Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas and 10 months

I know I am a little late on the holiday post but better late then never. If it makes your feel better sent of the rest of our Christmas cards today. Yes, they are late but hey I sent them.

Just the other day I was talking with a dear friend who is still in the throws of IF. She wasn't looking forward to the holidays. She just had a m/c and the next steps in her infertility journey were daunting. As she told me how she
was feeling I was having flash back to Christmas 2008. We were visiting family. My great escape was the "Twilight" books. I don't think I would have survived otherwise. As I have said before my in-laws are great but my family doesn't understand IF. I guess being "Fertile Mertiles" is why they don't. They never had to try they always just got pregnant. I remember being surrounded and all my family talked about was babies. My sister just had my nephew a month ago and my SIL had 1 year old twins (natural). I was in fertility hell. To top it off we were gearing up for our last IVF with my eggs.

When you are in the throws of IF you don't realize how your life can or will change. All you can think about is the moment you are in. For me 2 years ago it was fertility hell and this year heaven. Wow!

We had a great first Christmas, minus me being sick most of it. It wasn't perfect but it was what it was. What was perfect was we bought Ant his Christmas ornament with his name and birth date on it. While we doing our Christmas shopping we came across it and had to have it. Glad we did! While we were in the process of purchasing and getting it engraved I got teary-eyed. I never thought I would cry over something so small but this ornament symbolized to me the family we had finally created.

Can you believe it?!? Ant is 10months!!! When did that happen?

Weight: Don't know I will tell you tomorrow. My guess is 19lbs+
Eating: We have a big boy! Yesterday he had spaghetti with meat sauce. He will eat almost anything I give him. I tried giving him a step 3 baby food the other day and he just spit out the chunks...LOL. It was really hard not to laugh, well never mind I did laugh. It doesn't makes sense because he eats solids but doesn't like solid chunks in his puree.
New Tricks: Crusing!! We will have a walker soon!! He will crusie all around the house.
Favorite Toy: Fisher Price Laugh and Learn was his Christmas present from us. Best toy EVER!!!
Sleep: Naps are great! He seems to be dropping his morning nap sometimes but when he does he takes 1 long nap. Night sleep is a different story. He sleeps about 12hrs at night but he wakes up 2 times (midnight and 4am). I think he is reverse cycling since he doesn't have a lot of milk at daycare. I am ok with the 2 night feedings but on those rare night he wakes up 3 times...UGH!!! What happened to the baby that I had to wake up in the middle of the night to eat.

(It snowed on Christmas day and I put Ant in his snow suit so we could have a picture. He was not pleased)

Friday, December 10, 2010


Recently I have been thinking about who Ant looks like. YES, he looks like his dad but the other day I peaked at the DONOR'S profile. While I was looking at her picture I could see the resemblance between Ant and her. Really it is no big deal but it has got me thinking. What it means and how I feel about it, I really don't know. It is just a confused feeling

We knew going into this that he might "look" like me but that would be pure luck. But in some ways it is just hard for me to wrap my head around. Part of me wants to post her picture but at the same time so you can see it too. But I want to protect her identity and protect my little Ant.

If our donor was one of my sisters I don't think I would be so weirded out about this. If we had had the chance to meet our donor I don't know if I would have wanted to. For me I like this separation. I fear someday Ant will up and leave me for this women (I know that sounds crazy) but the fear is there. Maybe I will feel differently in the future.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Have I mentioned I am a babywearing addict?

I love carrying Ant! If I have the choice of using his stroller or wearing him, I almost always pick wearing him. Today I am going to talk about one of my recent discoveries, The Ergo. I knew about the Ergo early on but for some reason I picked the Baby Bjorn (dumb move). My brother and sister-in-law had two Ergos, one for each twin. During a Family camping trip I actually carried both of them on a walk. They were heavy but I was balanced.
Now for some reason I forgot how awesome these carriers were but now that I have my own I am in love with the Ergo all over again. Don't get me wrong I still love my Moby but when you have a active little one you have less time to wrap yourself up.


  • Quick and easy to put on
  • You can nurse on the go
  • Head cover (great for when Ant falls asleep)
  • Easy on the back
  • Can be used up to 35lbs (I have heard 40lbs also)
  • Can wear them on your back and side (we haven't tired these yet)
  • You can nurse on the go


  • Baby can't face out (I don't think this is a negative because they can turn their heads and you can always wear them on your side.)
  • With younger babies you have to buy an insert (I don't have personal experience with this since I didn't buy it till Ant was almost 7months)

As you can see it is really hard for me to come up with negatives for the Ergo because it is AWESOME! Ant loves to be close to me and the Ergo makes it so easy. If I could go back and get the Ergo instead of the Baby Bjorn I would.

One last note on The Ergo. On our return flights I chose to use the Ergo. Ant fell asleep in it once we reach while we were in the Atlanta Airport. As we walked around to find dinner Ant comfortably slept. When we got on the plane I just wore him on. Once I got in my seat I release the top straps and if he would have still been asleep it wouldn't have woken him up. I actually wore the Ergo on the plane and it didn't bother me. When it was time to get off I just hugged Ant and strapped him back in.

I will give you my review on the Baby Bjorn last since it is my least favorite. Coming up soon is another favorite the Maya Wrap. For breastfeeding Moms on the go it is a MUST have. I would also love to try the Baby Ktan but I am waiting to find a deal to warrant the purchase. Since I have 2 Mobys, 1 Baby Bjorn, 1 Ergo, and a Maya Wrap; I am sure DH thinks I am crazy that I want another baby carrier. I also think babywearing has contributed to my desire to have another child. I want to wear another baby :)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Bio Mom?!

My mother and I were in the kitchen talking about many different things. I was talking with her about DH's cholesterol issues and how it seemed to be a family trait. I believe I said something about hoping Ant didn't have these issues. And then my mother responded, "Does the BIO MOM have a history of high cholesterol?"


I know my mother meant no harm by it but for me it was out of left field. I am Ant's bio mother! I carried him for 9months. This brings me back to discussion I have had with other DE moms. As DE parents we really need to share the correct vocabulary with our families. What I did was I just ignored it and kept on going in the conversation.

Now that I have a clear head I want to go back and talk to my mom about it. It actually hurt me a little when she said "Bio Mom" and wasn't referring to me. What should she be called? She is the "DONOR" nothing more and nothing less. She is the women who "DONATED" one cell so I could experience pregnancy and create a child with my DH. For all the grandmothers of DE children out there please DON'T call the Donor the "Bio Mom."

Let me go back a minute to how it made me feel or how it might make others feel. For mother DE parents it has taken us years to conceive a child after many failures. Most of us already feel vulnerable. Now to hear someone very close to you call someone else the mother of your child is like getting punch when you are already down. Granted, I know my mother and she meant nothing by it doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

As for talking with my mom about it, I haven't yet. She might actually read my blog first or my Dad will and he will tell her. Or maybe I will suck it up and just tell her.

I guess the point I am trying to make is we need to share the correct vocabulary with our families. If we don't then we might get a punch or a kick when we least expect it.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thankful for 9 Months

Ant at 9 months

Weight: 18lbs 1oz
Height: 28 1/4 in
Eating: Nursing when I am home and I am pumping at work for him still. Currently he is eating many different solids. He also had his first Thanksgiving dinner yesterday.
New Tricks: Pulling up is his newest trick.
Favorite Toy: Still his piano
Sleep: Great! Naps GREAT! No he doesn't always sleep through the night but he is breastfed and isn't suppose to.

Our first Thanksgiving with Ant was AWESOME! My family just fell in love with him. As my mother said he doesn't look like any of my side of the family but his cuteness and the fact he is so easy going makes up for it. Now some might take what she said the wrong way but this was a complement on how wonderful Ant is.
I probably say this every month but I don't know where the time goes before I know it he is a month older. Ant has turned into such a little man. He is starting to notice when DH or I leave the house. The last couple days when DH left the house he fussed a little bit and was looking for him.
Stay tune lots of stuff coming...even a DE parent blog!

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Moby

As I said in my previous post, I LOVE TO BABYWEAR!!! Before Ant was here I was more concerned about having the perfect stroller. Well I have that but I find I prefer to wear Ant then push him in a stroller. One of my favorites was my Moby Wrap. We actually had to buy 2 because DH refused to wear the sage one I originally bought. As you can see we have a camo one also.

  • Many different carrying positions

  • Great for little ones who don't have head control yet

  • Very supportive (I don't feel like I am carrying a baby)

  • Baby is secure


  • Difficult to figure out (but once you know how it is easy)

  • Lots of fabric (the only negative in my opinion)

This was the carrier I used the most when Ant was 0-7months. I loved how was close to me and secure. You are suppose to be able to breastfeed using this carrier but I never mastered that skill. I think the only reason I don't use my Moby now is for that very reason. I love to be able to nurse on the go. I will tell you soon about that carrier. But I wouldn't have survived those first 3+ months without the Moby. It kept Ant secure and his head secure while I would get stuff done around the house.

I find myself giving demos on the Moby ever week at breastfeeding support group. This should be one of my many jobs...Demoing baby carriers.

Even Daddy loves the Moby!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

A Little Jealous

Recently, I have been experiencing a little bit of jealousy. I have a several friends who were considering DE as their next step and on their last shot with their own eggs it worked! I am truly happy for them but there is a part of me that wonders if I had done one more cycle with my eggs if it had worked. This is silly for me to think of because now that Ant is here I wouldn't ever trade him for a genetic child. As, I have said before he is the child I was meant to have.

I must remember for as many friends who have succeed I know many more who haven't. Instead of wishing for something that for something that didn't happen I need to stay focused on our amazing blessing.

Also, I just wanted to send out a warning for my blog readers. I am going to be focusing on motherhood blogs for awhile. As much as I identify and understand IF I want to talk about motherhood more at this moment. For up coming blogs I am going to talk about babywearing, breastfeeding(of course), and just general life as a mother.

Monday, October 25, 2010

8 Months

Age: 8 Months
Weight: 16lbs 12oz
Eating: Nursing full-time on weekends and evenings!!! He also loves his solid foods. He will pretty much eat anything you give him.
Talking: He is still saying Mama and has added Baba. Sometimes I think he says "Hi"
Favorite Toy: Right now it his piano. I found the fisherprice piano at a consignment sale and Ant LOVES it. If I need a few moments to get something done I will sit him in front of it and he is happy for about 10-15mins before he moves onto another toy.
Sleep: GREAT! He has made real improvement this last month. Last month he wasn't napping well on weekends but now he will sometimes nap in his crib.
Milestones: Ant is on the move! He is army crawling everywhere. He started doing this at the beginning of the month and he is a master now. Every once in awhile he will get up on his hands and knees but no full out crawling yet.
Life has been very busy this month, as I said in an earlier blog DH has been out of town. It was a huge adjustment but we have survived. We are in the final week and look forward to DH returning.
People always tell you how fast time passes once you have children but I never knew how quickly it passes. It seems like just yesterday Ant was inside of my belly kicking me but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.
This past month has been such an exciting one. Ant started army crawling, which made it necessary to put up baby gates. The only downside is my cats won't jump the gates...I thought cats were suppose to be able to jump them. I think mine are just lazy.
We also took a trip to the pumpkin patch this weekend. I had never been and I am now wishing we had done this sooner. Ant and I had a blast. There was so much to do and many of the act ivies were free. I got some great pics of Ant and a pumpkin. I didn't want to bombard you with to many pictures so here are just a few.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Single Mama

For the last 3 weeks or so I have been a single mama. My DH has been on the road for work and he is still gone till Nov 1st. These last 3 weeks have been a learning experience of "How the heck do single moms do it?" Yes, I can do it but life is much easier with DH helping out.

Everyday when I get home I have a list of things to do to get prepared for the next day

  1. Wash pump gear
  2. Wash bottles
  3. Wash diapers
  4. Do the laundry
  5. Take out the trash
  6. Wash dishes
  7. etc!

I feel like this list is never ending. I get to a point where I think I am catching up and then something happens and I have to start ALL over again. During times like these I wish we lived closer to our families. If we lived in the same city or even state I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. I do have friends out here but most of them have their own children or I am afraid of inconviencing them.

The other downside to being a single mama is that when I get home, I want to play with Ant. Instead I get hime all set up with toys and start on my list. After I finish my list or at least do a few of them it is cuddle time.

In times like these I am so glad I found the love of my life (DH). He helps out so much and half the time I don't even realize it.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Baby on the Move

We are now officially in baby proof mode. Over the weekend Ant figured out how to army crawl. Everyday he gets faster and explores the living room more. Sunday afternoon during his nap I went through and picked up everything I could think of in the living room. I took out all the magazines and moved furniture. My goal is our living room is going to be Ant's play area. We also bought two portable baby gates to block of the entrances to the room.

The funny thing about baby gates is my cats refuse to jump over them for now. I set them up today and while Ant and I napped. Hamilton and Athena just hung out in the living room. They could have easily jumped the gates but are two afraid to do so for now. I am hoping they get over this fear soon because there are a few gates I would like to leave shut.

Also, this is week one of being a single parent. DH is out of town for the whole month of October. I do have several friends who have offered to help but it is just different being the only caregiver. Usually when I would get home from work I could relax and play with Ant. Now I have to do dishes and prepare for the next day. Also after Ant goes to bed I need to pick up the house. If only there were a few more hours in the day.

I am happy to report my anxiety is better for now. Praying it stays away. Well it is off to bed for me.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Ant 7 Months

Age: 7months
Weight: 15lbs 10oz
Eating: Nursing when I am home and loves solid foods. You put it in front of him and he will eat it or want to eat it.
New Tricks: Rolling all over the room. He is also turning and scooting all over.
Talking: Maaama and Haaaay. He really gots the AAAA sound down.
Favorite Toy: He isn't pick just as long as he can put it in his mouth. If he can chew it he likes it.
Sleep: Ant continues to be a great sleeper. At night he goes down around 9pm and sleeps till about 7am. No he isn't sleeping straight through the night. He isn't suppose to because he is breastfed. We get up about 3am for a dream feed. Naps are going great we have 1 long nap and 2 short naps.

At time I wonder if it can get better then this and as soon as I think it can't Ant does something new. Right now he is sooo close to crawling.

Daycare is going great. He is well fed and taken care of. I am still heartbroken that I can't be home with him but you have to do what is best for your family. I don't mind working but I would rather spend my days chasing Ant.

This next month is going to be a hard one. DH is going to be gone, so I will be a single mom for a MONTH!!!

The pictures were taken just about 2 weeks ago. Getting portraits done with a baby are hard. You have to schedule it during a time when you think they are going to be happy and awake. Sometimes that is easier said then done. Anyways I hope you enjoy them. I know I enjoy looking at them.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Infertile Next Door

The past 6 months I have been sitting in my Breastfeeding support group thinking most of these women are the fertile people I longed to be. The longer I attend this group the more I learn about each of them. After about a month I learned one of the women has PCOS and after she changed her diet and added exercise she got pregnant with her daughter after about 4+ years of TTC. This was the first of many discoveries, that I wasn't the only IFer sitting in the room.

A few weeks ago Ant and I apeared in a local news cast and I shared it with the group. I am proud of my IF journey because it has brought me the best joy in my life. I don't want to hide how that came about.

While we were getting ready to leave support group one of the mother's started talking about how she was surprised Ant was conceived through DE because he looks so much like me (I smiled). This conversation sparked her talking about her IVF. Then several of the other mothers talked about the same thing. Out of the 6 mothers there including myself 5 of us has been through IVF. I honestly think the other mother felt a little weird being the only one who conceived naturally. The funniest thing is I have been talking with many of these women for months and just now we started sharing our IF stories.

What this tells us is that more of us are suffering from IF then we really know. Why are we afraid? We didn't choose IF it choose us. Some of us conquer it and some of us don't but those of us who live it are changed. Take some time this week to discover your infertile friend next door. He or she might need you as much as you need them.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Anxiety is Back :(

Before I got pregnant I had terrible anxiety attacks or what I considered terrible. I wasn't worried about anything other then TTC and starting a family but I felt like I always had a heavy heart. Well over the last couple days it has been coming back. The high of pregnancy and BFing is wearing off. What am I going to do? I have throughly enjoyed this break and feeling sane for the first time in years. It might be time to talk to my PCP. I am just not ready to give up BF and I think the only way to get rid of this is to go on HRT which means no BFing :(

Monday, September 6, 2010

IF/BF How it Changed Me

I don't think I have a hard life but there have been some definite challenges in my life. The obvious challenge of TTC and my most recent challenge was breastfeeding. For many people these are both easy things but for me I like to say I have to do things the hard way or I just want to be an expert on both topics.

My challenges through TTC have made me an expert on how the reproductive system works. When I here people talking about it I instantly want to jump in. It still amazes me how little most women know about reproduction (I was one of them). I knew there was a fertile time but I only had an idea when that happened. Some people have no clue or aren't even trying and they end up pregnant (this fact amazes me). Once you learn the ins and outs of TTC it is amazing how people actually get pregnant.

As for Breastfeeding, I don't know if I thought it was going to be be easy but I definitely didn't think it would be as hard as it was for Ant and myself. At times I was sure I was going to give it up. What helped me survive was the mini victories. Our first victory was actually starting to nurse again and each progressive victory till he was nursing full-time.
We had lots of bumps in the road: supply issues, duct issues, latch issues, pain issues, etc. You name it, it probably happened to me.

Through these challenges it has made me appreciate both Ant and breastfeeding more then i could ever imagine. When realized I was going to have to go back to work I was heart broken but I knew it was what I had to do. When my schedule threatened to prevent me from pumping, I made sure to voice my opinions and my rights as a breastfeeding mother. I worked way to hard and way to long to give up breastfeeding now.

The funny thing is these two challenges have balanced me. Breastfeeding Ant makes me not long for another child ( I still want one) but I am willing to wait. My battle through IF made it so I had the confidence to battle through the ups and downs of breastfeeding. These two challenges have made me more confident in my opinions and more willing to speak up for myself and my rights. The shy innocent girl who started TTC over 4 years ago is such a distant memory. Even the heart broken women dreaming of a baby seems so far away. I never thought I could put my IF behind me but at time I find it hard to remember how I felt.

At time I fear forgetting the pain because I always want to be able to relate my IF friends who are still struggling but for now it is a welcome relief. For the moment I can live my life and not think about what could have been. I am living the life I was meant to have.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Ant 6months

Age: 6month
Weight: 14lbs 11oz (25th percentile)
Height: 25 3/4in
Eating: Nursing full-time when I am home. I am back to work but on weekend he is a 100% breastfeed baby. We have also started some solids.
New Tricks: Rolling over both ways and he loves to stand up (with help). He is also sitting up.
Favorite Toy: Has to be his letter spinner. He spins it to hear Animal sounds and letters.
Sleep: He isn't napping as much but he gets at least 2 30min to hr naps in.
I can't believe we have reached the halfway mark to a year. It is just absolutely amazing how fast they grow. Ant is doing new things everyday. My first day back to work I came home and I walk in to Ant saying "Mama." It was very exciting and made going to work the next day even harder.
On Thursday we had our 6month check up and I was worried his Ped wouldn't be happy with his weight gain. Well I was WRONG...he has jumped from the 10th percentile to the 25th. This was such relief.
Our biggest milestone is nursing full-time (when I am home). Ok I think that is enough bragging. Well almost...
Warning this is a mommy bragging about her baby. We just have so many awesome pictures and I wanted to share them with you.

Don't they all look so much a like?

We think this one is funny. I think the lady at the picture place thought we were crazy to get copies of this on.
He is just way too cute!

Me and my boy!

I am just like my daddy!

I am teething!

I love naked baby!


Ok I am done bragging

Monday, August 23, 2010

Crippled by Infertility

While you are living your infertility nightmare you don't always realize how crippling it is. Now that I am finally coming out of the fog it is astounding to me how much it changed me!

As I am preparing for my 7th year as the music teacher at my school, I am reflecting on previous years and how I have changed as a teacher. What motivated me, what didn't, favorite lessons, and co-workers. I knew IF had affected my teaching but WOW. When I enter the school building for the first time this year I had a huge smile on my face. There were no worries about when I was going to become pregnant or how I was going to survive being pregnant. It was like the me before IF was peaking out again. This strange person popped her head out again at the "Music Teacher Meeting" on Tuesday, for the first time in 4plus years I was inspired by something and wanted to take it back to my classroom. I could also look at the pregnant music teachers and not be jealous (DOUBLE WOW!).

As the fog lifts I am feel the optimistic person I once was re-apear but she isn't exactly the same. This new person has confidence and is more willing to try new things. She also doesn't like to be walked all over and likes to speak her mind. Who is this person?

I wonder is this from the IF or from motherhood?

Who know but for the first time in years I am excited to teach, excited for new things, and I am not crippled by my IF! It is such a feeing feeling to not be held down anymore. I am still infertile but I have emeraged from the other end of the fog. Ant we gave you life and helped me get my life back from infertility.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Goodbye 20's

Well, I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to do a post a day for 2 weeks. Especially since I went back to work this week. If I had to grade myself I would have FAILED...LOL. As I sit here an enjoy the last few remaining ours of my 20's, I know tomorrow brings a new start. Just over a year ago I was worried about turning 30 and not being a mom. There is something about being a mother that changes everything. Time no longer matters, age doesn't matter, the most important thing now is a little life I have been put in charge of.

I guess I am ready to say goodbye to my troubled 20's. My 20's were a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. My greatest joys and sorrows all happened in the last decade. In my 20's I met and married the man of my dreams. We bought our first house but then also came the most devastating news of my life. The news that I wouldn't be able to have a biological child. At times I wondered if I would ever get passed that loss. Then again the best moment during my 20's was the birth of Ant. The last 6months have been the best. So goodbye 20's and hello 30's. May my 30's bring me more happiness! May the next decade of our lives be even happier then the last.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

DH Connection

The summer of 2001 I decided to go to to the "International Horn Convention" which was held in Kalamazoo, MI. I was going with two other horn players in my studio. At that point I didn't knew either one very well. One was DH and the other was his friend. I was a little nervous about going since I didn't know either one of them really well but that didn't stop me.

Both DH and I were in a transitional time in our relationships. I been broken up with my high school sweet heart for just under a year and was dating. DH also just gotten out of a long term relationship. Neither of us expected anything to happen on this trip except for hearing lots of Horn music.

One day during a break DH and I went on a search for a Drug Store. Of course AF comes while you are on a trip and not prepared. To my surprise DH was willing to go with me looking for a Drug Store. Several hours later and us doing a huge loop we found a Drug Store and returned to campus. We had spent most of the day talking and really hit it off.

That night several of the horn players went to the bar to have a beer. Me being 20 and 11months was nervous about going but I went. After drinking a beer and DH have a few we both got a little touchy. Our hands ended up on each others legs. Our horn professor at the time was probably confused because she didn't know DH and his EX were broken up. I think our other horn player friend filled her in after we left the bar.

On the shuttle ride back from the bar DH and I sat really close, maybe even held hands. I knew DH was hooked when we went for a midnight snack at subway. I caught him staring at me. Whenever he does it now I call it the "Subway Stare."

For the remainder of the trip DH and I did ALOT of flirting but that was as far as it went. On the flight home we also held hands :)

Once we returned home I had some stuff to iron out but after DH asking me out 3 times. We finally made a date and have been together ever since.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Band Nerd

Well this isn't just one event but this is a little more about me before college. My family is very musical and I remember singing songs with my Grandpa at a very young again. Actually we have it on tape somewhere. Some of my most memorable moments as a teen and young adult were in band classes. That is where I met almost all of my friends and also how I met my DH (not till college though).

My most memorable moment during my 4 years of high school band was the year we got a "1" at state. It was the first time in a VERY long time that our marching band had done so well. It was a very proud moment for our school and everyone involved. Also I would like to thank my high school band director for inspiring me. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be in the job I am in today. I love music, I love playing music and I love teaching children music!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

December 17,1997

I was in a terrible car accident that day with my two sisters. We had gone to see Titanic with a few friends and on the way home a car hit us head-on. My sister K and I both broke our femurs. While my sister A just got really bad whip lash. On top of the broken femur I broke my tibia and fibula. I will admit my right leg was real messed up. Luckily for us we were all wearing our seat belts.

This day changed my life in many ways. It was pretty much the end of my swimming career. Also, it created some new relationships in my life. Sadly I don't talk with these people anymore but they really help my family out in our time of need. The one good thing that came out of this event was I had the financial freedom to go to college and not take out any loans. Even though I did end up getting a job but it was nice to have a cushion. Also if I didn't have these funds I wouldn't have had the funds to go to the college I went to. And then later meet my DH.

Still to this day I get freaked out in the car if a semi is driving to close or if someone changes lanes unexpectedly. But as we all know it is these events that shape who we are today. Yes it would be nice to not have a limp. Yes, it would be nice to not have the scares from the surgeries but that is what makes me, ME!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Baby Sister

I am going to start my count down to 30 with a little post about my baby sister. I love my entire family but my baby sister has a special place in my heart!

Here is a picture of me and my baby sister. Throughout our journey she has been the most supportive and even offered her eggs and uterus to help us build our family. Even though we didn't end up using her eggs I will never forget her offer and how much it meant to me. But this isn't the story I want to tell about my baby sister. I want to tell you the story of her birth, well as much of it as I remember.

I don't remember when my mother went into labor with my sister but she was born on April 18th, so I am guessing on the 17th of April 1986. I was at school and I was suddenly pulled out of class. My mother was going to have my siblings and myself there for the birth of my sister. It was a very exciting day but the only thing I can remember now is that I was suppose to make a gingerbread cookie in Kindergarten that day. Still to this day I remember this event because I never got to make my gingerbread cookie. As sad as I was that day to miss out on cookie making, I know how blessed I am to have such an amazing sister. Thank you so much for being my cheerleader and BTW you still owe me a cookie ;)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Count down to 30!

For the next 2 weeks I am going to talk about the top 14 life changing events in my life. I am sure you can guess a few of them. Some are going to be happy and some are going to be sad. I am so excited to share these 14 events with you. Stay tune for day 1 of 14 tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Pump is Retired!

As of today I am finally retiring my pump for a week and a half. After a weekend in Chicago for a wedding, I finally have the confidence that I can feed Ant without the assistance of a pump, bottles, and supplementing. Actually when I first weighed him I was nervous because he still wasn't over 14lbs (but he hadn't eaten in awhile). So throughout the course of 2hrs at the meeting he at 6oz from me!!! So by the time we left support group he was well over 14lbs!!!

I am so excited to have finally reached this point in our breastfeeding saga but I am also saddened that it will be short lived. I return to my teaching job in just over a week, so I am will be back to pumping and bottles. On the bright side at least we made it to this point and we have weekends.

It is absolutely amazing how fast Ant changes. Just in the last week has be come so aware of his surroundings. While he is nursing he has decided he doesn't like the "Hooter Hider" anymore. He wants to see the world as he eats. For me personally I am OK with nursing in public but I know it makes people uncomfortable. So in those situations I will be as discrete as possible but it is my right to nursing him in public. is crazy how much I have changed. I have turned into a cloth diapering, breastfeeding, hippy mommy. Underneath though I still have the feels of an IFer. As I have come to accept some of those feelings will never go away.

Here are some pictures from our trip!!!

This is my favorite picture of bad it isn't with mommy or daddy.

Monday, July 26, 2010

5 Month Update

Age: 5 months
Weight: 13lbs 10oz
Sleep: Great! Sleeps from about 10pm-6am, 1- 2hr nap, and 2 shorter naps
Eating: Currently still nursing and pumping milk for supplements but now we have one feeding that is exclusively nursing. No solids yet but we will be starting sometime in the next month.
New Trick: Ant was holding his own bottle for feedings but that was only for about a week.
Favorite Toy: It would have to be a toss up between his peacock and his excersaucer.

Where has the last five months gone? At times it feels like I just had him and at others he has always been in my life. Now I can't imagine life without him. As you remember our early weeks were not easy weeks. From the unexpected c-section, PPD, breastfeeding, and weight gain issues. It seems they have all resolved themselves. The c-section has been healed for a long time now and my PPD was short lived. As for breastfeeding and weight gain those are our on going works in progress but they are both getting better. As far as I can tell his weight gain is better because we have no more weight checks at the ped's office. We also do weekly checks at our Breastfeeding Support Group. These are more for my peace of mind. I guess I have just come to terms with pumping, nursing, and bottle feeding.

When you are pregnant you have grand ideas of what motherhood will be like. You will fall in love with your child instantly (didn't happen), breastfeeding is easy (NOT), you will never sleep (I actually get lots of sleep), and many more. After watch many people parent there were a few things I didn't want to do such as nursing Ant to sleep. I resisted this up until a week or two ago. It started with me nursing him for naps. I figured a little extra food wouldn't hurt and I wanted more bonding time with him. I am still trying to avoid nursing him to bed at night. It is my last resort but that rarely happens. Only when we try to make his bed time earlier.

Daycare is still a work in progress. DH and I are exploring the military option a little more because it is soooo affordable. Now the only problem is finding someone who I click with. I was discussing this with my neighbor the other day and she was telling me that they knew instantly that they had found the right place. Now to find the right place for Ant.

I have officially 3 more weeks before I go back to work. I have 2 goals CLEAN and enjoy every minute with Ant.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Daycare Dilemma

I know it has been awhile since I have written but I have been in limbo. DH and I were hoping that a possible work from home job would be finalized before Decision Day. Unfortunately the job didn't get finalized in time and now I have to go back to work on Aug 16th :(

Since we were hoping this job would work out we never secured childcare for Ant. We figured this job would work out and I would be home with him as planned. At this moment we have 2 choice.

Choice number one is a Nanny share with my friend. The problems with the nanny share is cost and my friend wasn't planning on starting till Novemeber. I think she can start in October for me but that still leaves August and September.

Choice number two is a in home daycare but the big problem is it is to far from my work. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but DH is going on tour in October, which makes me a single parent for a month. Also I didn't like that she wanted to give Ant formula and rice ceral. I work hard to make breastmilk and if I make it he will drink it.

My choice is the obvious one of doing a nanny share with my friend. The reasons for this is because Ant is on a great schedule and I would like it to continue, he will be close to work, he could use his cloth diapers, and not be forced to eat solids before we are ready. So if money was no object we would be set. Finished...but that isn't the case.

As for Ant he is doing great. He has gained another pound so he is about 13 1/2lbs. He is nursing more but we are still supplmenting with the bottle. I was hoping I would be able to enjoy a few weeks without bottles but I am starting to think that might never happen but the most important thing is he is growing.

Friday, June 25, 2010

4 months

Happy 4 months Ant!
It is just amazing how fast the months go by. I can't believe he is 4 months already. Today he has his 4 month appointment. I am always very anxious about Ped appointments because they weigh him and if he doesn't weigh enough the Ped talks about formula. Well for the second appointment in a row his Ped has been happy with his weight gain. He was 12lbs 9oz today and that is just 3oz shy of a 2lb weight gain in a month.
This last week has been amazing with him. I have been home with him all day (SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!) and he has FINALLY gotten the hang of nursing. It was absolutely amazing because all of a sudden on Saturday he got it. I am hopeful in a week or 2 we won't need a bottle anymore. Also I am down to 4 pumpings a day, that is down from 8!! Even with only pumping 4 times I day I end up with way to much breastmilk. I think this has a lot to do with nursing. As soon as he started nursing better my milk supply went through the roof.
For now life is great!
Here are a few pics! Enjoy!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

American Girl

I think every person has a dream of what their child/ren will look like. They pick their best features and combine them together. A few days ago I was driving home from work and the song "American Girl" by Carrie Underwood came on. It got me thinking about my dreams of our little girl (the one we were suppose to have). My American girl was going to be the perfect combination of DH and I. She would have my brown hair, my smile, and my chin dimple. She would have DH's beautiful blue eyes and perfectly strong teeth. She would also have a uni brow...but there is wax for that. My American girl still exists in my imaginations and I still dream about her. Part of moving on to DE was moving past the dream of my American girl, the perfect child of my dreams. I might still dream about her but the real perfect child sits in front of me now, my amazing son who smiles at me every day. Being a mother of a DE child makes you realize there is much more to being a mother then passing on your genes. It is about sharing your love with your child. The child you were meant to have.

I still dream of my American girl but I love my little miracle Ant.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Baby Steps

I know it has been a long time since I have written, but I have to admit being a working mom is hard work. To top it off you miss so much time with you child. Many people like being working moms or have to be working moms but if I am given the choice I would stay home in a heart beat. During maternity leave I enjoyed spending all day with Ant, even though some days were better then others. At this point I am just counting down my work days, so I can start being home with Ant again full-time.

As for BFing, we have hit a break through this weekend. For the first time since we started BF and bottle feeding he is consistently leaving extra milk in his bottle. I am assuming this means he is getting more milk from me now. Also when I go to pump afterwards I am getting less milk.

Recently we also went to the Pediatric ENT. I will tell you more about that visit in another post but on thing I will share is it is confirmed he has laryngomalacia. I must run, I can hear Ant squirming in his crib.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Time Flies-3 months

On Tuesday we went to the Ped for Ant's 3 month weight check. I knew for the first time in a long time she would be pleased with his weight gain. We weigh him once a day so I already knew he gained 2lbs in the last month. His official weight was 10lbs 12oz. His Ped was very please, so much so that she didn't insist we see the Ped ENT sooner. His appointment isn't until June 8th. She also decided to put him on reflux medicine after talking with us about his feedings and I am happy to say he is spitting up less and eating more.
While we were at the Ped's office one of the RNs freaked out about Ant's breathing. She said, "You better get the Dr now because of his breathing." DH and I just chuckled to ourselves and told her it was normal. It has become a story we tell often to people. Many people think he is hiccuping but it is really just him breathing.
As for nursing, it is getting better but we are still supplementing every feeding. I have increased his nursing time but he still takes the same amount of supplement afterwards. At this point I don't want to mess with his feedings because of work. As soon as the summer is here I am going to focus on nursing more and bottle feeding less.
Life for the most part is good. I miss being home with Ant all day. DH has been with him the last two weeks and will send me pics via cell phone. It has been a great bonding experience for the two of them but I know no one can replace me. When I get home he is happy to see me and excited to nurse.
Time to get back to my little man!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Back to Work

Well I am officially back to work. As I am sure many 1st time mothers they have lots of mixed emotions if they return to work. I knew I could have stay out a few days longer but money was a big reason. Maternity leave works like this for my district for the first 6-8weeks you can use your sick leave (if you have it) and any time after that is without pay. You can take up to 12 weeks of leave and still have your job but pay is a who different story. And since I had to use a lot of my sick leave for IF treatments over the last couple years that left me with very little sick leave.

I survived my first day back to work. It seems they wanted to make it easy for me because there were a lot of interruptions to my teaching schedule. Out of the 7 classes I normally teach on Monday only 1 of them was a normal schedule. To also help me ease into my first day DH brought Ant in to see me at lunch time. It was great to see them both and get to nurse Ant. The hardest part about returning to work is finding enough time to pump. In my original plan I wanted to pump 4 times. I quickly realized that was unrealistic and now shooting for 3times a day (at work).

Well, I must be off. I have to finish getting ready for work. As for the picture is it Ant and DH watching the Cubs game. I think I have told you that Ant has the cutest pout. Well, I finally caught it on film, by accident. Have a great day!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

"He has your nose"

I thought for sure it would bother me if people told me Ant doesn't look like me. Or when they stare at him and say, "I think he has your nose." Maybe he does but it is pure dumb luck.

Yesterday our family of 3 took a trip to my work, it was the band and string concert. This was also the first time many of the parents would meet my son. Ant and I have taken a few trips to school but all during the day. After the concert we were flocked with parents and students. Since I have been teaching at my school for 6 years now I know many of the parents.

The families that I knew would come up and ogle at Ant. They would look at him and then at me. Then tell me how beautiful he is. My favorite comment was, "Girl, you might have carried him but he is all daddy."

In all honesty I wasn't sure how I would handle comments about who he looked like or people telling me he looked like me or he didn't. It turns out it is more of a joke to me. I have to hold back a smirk when they tell me he looks like me.

As for people at work most of them know he is a DE baby. I have made no secret about my struggles to become a mother. The reason I am so open is because if one of them is having issues I would hope they would feel comfortable enough to come and talk to me. As for the parents of my students very few of them know. It just hasn't ever come up in conversation. Will I ever tell them? Maybe. But till they ask or we talk about it I am just going to have to laugh on the inside as they struggle to find something of his that looks like me.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A New Mother's Day

During my years of IF I would dread Mother's Day. Instead of a day of celebration it was a reminder of our failure to conceive. So, today I get to look through my rose color glasses and actually enjoy today.

I was a little nervous about today because I had hyped it up for so many years but it was perfect...minus DH having to work most of the day. This morning DH woke up before me and got Ant's bottle ready before either of us were awake. He also prepared all my pumping gear and brought it up to the bedroom. To top it off he made me breakfast in bed. Also he bought me the perfect gift. A necklace of a monkey with Ant's birthstone in it.

Actually I have been sending him emails for weeks to give him ideas of what I would like. I didn't want him to go shopping and not have an idea of what I wanted.

Ant gave me a Mother's Day present too! He was 10lbs this morning!!! Baby Boy you have come so far in the last couple week. We are going to impress your pediatrician.

Before I sign off today I just wanted to send some love to my sisters who are still TTC. I am sending you lots of prayers, that someday soon your prayers of being a mother will be answered. Luv ya!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Who does he look like?

The answer to that question is he looks like Ant. He looks like the person he is suppose to look like. All that put aside I think he looks like DH and my FIL. When the IL's came to visit FIL brought pictures of everyone as babies. As of right now he looks most like my FIL's baby picture. When my parents were up visiting they also talked about how much he looked like FIL. I guess I am grateful for this because the family resemblance is so obvious.

Yesterday, I went to get my once a month waxing and my way over do hair cut. It felt great to have some me time. The lovely lady who has been waxing my bows for years knows alot of my conception story. my surprise she asked me, "who does he look like?"

In my head, "Duh DH!" I answered out loud, "DH."

She looks at him harder and says, "I think he has your nose."

Maybe Ant has my nose but I think it would be pure luck. One thing for sure he does have my pout. I have already told you how cute that is.
Why must everyone figure out who he looks like? Why can't we just leave as he looks like himself?

What I was surprised by was how it really didn't upset me. I have come to accept my IF is a sore spot, even now with the cutest son one could hope for. Even though my IF is a sore spot, how my son was conceived is not. DE was the way we had to go to create our family or at least start it. I am not ashamed of this fact nor do I hide it. I have come to terms with the fact Ant won't look like me but I am so very grateful that he looks like his dad. Especially since he has the cutest dad in the whole world.

I told you there were the cutest ever!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Starting the Story

Even before Ant was conceived, I knew I wanted to tell him his conception story. Ever day I am just so grateful to the women who donated her eggs to us so we could finally start our family.

Now that Ant is here I feel awkward talking to him about his story. It makes sense why DE parents talk about starting young. I am hoping by the time he starts to understand I have found the best way to tell him how he joined our family.

When I talk to him about his beginnings what is the best way? Should he be awake? The beginning of this conversation is hard. I guess I just need to start practicing.

Ant, here is the first picture we have of you...

Let the story telling begin!

Saturday, April 17, 2010


My parents are up visiting from AZ and when we originally talked on the phone my dad told me they wanted to go into DC for the day. I was originally sadden by this because I didn't think I could go with with them between trying to BF and pumping all the time. As I thought about it and talked with DH about his work day I made a plan. I had previously gone into DC for a afternoon and pumped at his work. So, we made a plan to meet DH at his work in the early afternoon. Skipping one pumping session wasn't going to hurt me. As for BFing, I had bottles all ready to go.
As we walked around the museums I had my eyes open for places where I could possibly BF/pump. I originally thought there wasn't going to be anywhere but on a trip to the bathroom I discovered a bench just outside of the bathroom but behind a wall so I wasn't out in the open. This was perfect. Unfortunately we left that museum before it was time for Ant to eat. But when we go the the next museum I quickly found a bench. I BF Ant and then I pumped. VICTORY!!!

While we were on our way home I knew I needed to pump one last time so I wouldn't lose my milk supply for the next day. I turned to DH, "Do I have 15mins?"

"Yes but you better start now."

So right there on the back of the metro I pumped. No, I just didn't whip out my breast but I used my hooter hider to cover myself. It was perfect, by the time we got to our stop I was finished and had everything put away.

I had such a great time in DC that day because no matter where I am realized I can pump or BF. I am enjoying my new found confidence. Today we were in Starbucks and Ant wanted some nursing time so I just got out my cover and nursed him.
It is amazing how far we have come in the 7 weeks he has been here with us. He has truly changed our lives.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Baby Steps

I am finally feeling like I am getting the hang of being a mother. This all started to set in over the weekend when Ant and I got the hang of feedings. No, we aren't back to full-time BFing but that is our ultimate goal. This realization came after my last meeting with my LC. She recognized something that no one else had identified.

Ant is a very noisy boy, he squeaks when he breathes and when he eats. She said it could possibly be tracheomalacia and I should talk to Ant's pediatrician about it. Today we went to the pediatrician for a weight check. After his weight check of 8lb 6oz (grow baby grow), I asked to speak to her if she had a moment. She came in as I was finishing feeding him and I told her what my LC said. Of course she heard him right there and asked, "Does he do this any other time?"

"Yes, while he sleeps."

She suggested we go see the ENT again and told me as the LC told me that he will most likely grow out of the tracheomalacia. I guess I really don't need to get him officially dx (diagnosis) but I would rather know then not.

We also have a plan now with his feedings now that we know he is still getting exhausted while nursing and burning to many calories. Currently we are supplementing with about 2 1/2oz of breast milk and then offering him the breast afterwards. Usually he will take me up on the offer because he LOVES nursing. It is our own special little time together.

Along with feedings going better our bond is growing stronger. I just love to be close to him. While he is sleeping in his crib or in his car seat asleep, I find I miss him being close to me. Or when he is full and doesn't want to nurse I am sad because I was really looking forward to those 10mins or so of us time. The joys of motherhood are becoming more obvious to me daily. He hasn't smiled at me yet but he does have a cute pout. DH told me that you are crazy if you don't think he his pout looks like yours. I guess he really did get something from me.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Birth Control Conversation

I have been telling DH that I have been looking forward to the conversation with my OB about birth control (BC). I would often tell him that I would laugh the OB when they asked me this question. This week I had my 6 week check up and yes, it did come up. It went something like this.

OB "What form of BC are you going to be using?"

Me "None." (smirk)

OB "You know you can get pregnant while BFing."

Me "Yes" and I look at Ant, "He is a DE baby and it took us 3 years to get him."

OB (DING) "So it would be a blessing if you got pregnant again."

He continued to talk about what I would need to do if I became pregnant again. It was really sweet and he also told me about how having a baby resets your body and make you more fertile. I smiled because I hear this often but the realist inside reminds myself not very likely but I will take it if it happens.

BFing update: My LC came over again yesterday to weigh him. He did gain an ounce a day since we last met but after watching him BF she became concerned with how hard he was working to eat. I will tell you more about this after later because she is doing some research before we decide on a solution. For now we are BFing no more then 20mins a feeding and supplementing the rest.

Before signing off I uploaded a few pics. Enjoy :)

Friday, April 9, 2010

A Different Rollercoaster Ride

As a "IFer" I will never forget the IF rollercoaster went through to get our son. I knew that motherhood would be no piece cake but I didn't realize what a rollercoaster it would be. From the day Ant enter the world it began from the NICU to BFing. I am absolutely amazed with my determination. There have been many times when I was seriously considering giving up BFing and pumping. Sometimes I think it would be much easier to just mix the formula and stick a bottle in his mouth. Yes, it is easier but there are moments that I would miss out on.

Now that we are getting closer to being back on the breast the rewards are greater. As you already know we have good days and bad days but the good days out weigh the bad. It was completely amazing to me how rejuvenating 1 good feeding is. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of bad feeding after bad feeding then last night at our late night feeding Ant latched right on and nursed. It went from tears of frustration to tears of joy.

Now not everything is perfect because when I weighed Ant this morning he lost an ounce but I think in the long term battle of weight and BFing we are making leaps and bonds in the right direction.

I realize now that my IF has given me the strength and determination to win the battle of BFing. We are going to do it even if it takes us till he is 3months old and I am going back to work. We will win!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Update (Breastfeeding)

I have been trying to find time to blog for a few days now but Ant has been taking up most of my time. Since I made the decision to go back nursing full-time it has been a roller coaster. We have good feedings and we have TERRIBLE feedings. For the most part the terrible feedings are happening less often now but when they happen they test my determination to succeed.

On Monday the LC (lactation consultant) came to our house to have a one on one consult. It was great and she gave me some great pointers. She also answered my biggest question. How much should I pump? To my surprise I should still be pumping after every feeding until I am not supplementing anymore. I wish I didn't have to supplement but Ant is just a slow feeder that he would be on the breast all day long and probably still not get enough to eat.Along with the struggles there are been highlights. When we have a great feeding I get soo excited and shout it to the roof tops.

Currently, Ant is asleep in the sling I am wearing. We had one of those nights. It started at about 11pm yesterday. The nice thing about our situation is DH can feed Ant. So DH fed at and I was getting ready for bed and pumping so I could sneak an extra 30mins of sleep. Ant had different plans. He has developed this new habit of wanting to use me as his pacifier. Which meant after he was done eating all he wanted to do was suckle on my breast. This got very frustrating cause all I wanted to do was sleep. I eventually about midnight put him in the sling and walked around the house. He was asleep in minutes and I was able to put him in his crib by 12:20. Now I can't remember if I woke him up or if he woke me up around 1:10am for his next feeding. I am completely exhausted and both of us end up falling asleep mid feeding. I eventually wake up and put him in his crib.

At about 3:30am he wakes me up again to eat and we try again. Same results as last time we both fall asleep. I put him in his crib again and I go back to bed AGAIN. Next thing I know he is waking me up at 5am because he is hungry. Of course he is because we haven't gotten a full feeding in since 11pm. I was determined to complete his feeding this time so I could get some more sleep. We succeeded FINALLY and I even pumped afterward. Well my little Ant wasn't ready to go back to sleep or he was just having a hard time going back to sleep. I finally just gave up and put him in his sling.

Ant is making weight gaining progress, as of yesterday he was 8lb 1oz. My LC lent us he extra scale and it has really taken away the worry. If I didn't have the scale I would be wondering if I was feeding him enough, was he gaining weight.

There is much more to talk about but I am exhausted and I think Ant is FINALLY asleep enough to go back into his crib. I am hoping for another hour or two of sleep before our day starts.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Back to the Boob

After weeks of pumping, bottle feeding and occasional BFing. I finally am motivated to go back to full-time breast feeding. While I am pumping I miss quality time with Ant and I am missing that bonding time with him. So, I sucked it up and FINALLY called the lactation consultant (LC)yesterday.

Calling the LC was exactly what I needed. It took her awhile to respond but I finally got an email around 5pm yesterday. She said she was happy to consult with me but also told me about her FREE BFing support group that met that day at 6:30pm. At first I wasn't going to go to the support group but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to go.

At support group there were 3 other mothers there, usually there are more but due to March having 5 Weds the schedule was off. During support group we discussed birth stories and BFing issues. When I told my story about how I didn't get to BF for 24hrs the LC was appalled that they wouldn't let me BF sooner. Of course I continued with to story about how we ended up pumping full-time. I felt so out of place in this group because all 3 of them were BFing and I was pumping. I also felt those same pains of jealousy that I felt when someone else was pregnant. Why was BFing so hard for me? The whys were over powering me. To my surprise all 3 were very supportive and a little jealous that I already had 5oz of breast milk frozen in my fridge.

By the end of the support group it was time for Ant to eat. Silly mommy didn't bring a bottle because support group was only suppose to last an hour and we should have been fine. I figure well I guess I better BF him now since I had no other way to feed him. It was amazing he latched right on with the coaching of the LC. After he ate we weighted him again and he had eating 1oz. It was such an amazing feeling to be successful. We decided to give the other side a try and he latched on pretty good. By the end of BFing he had eating about 2oz of breast milk. YAHOOO!!! It is really nice having the scale there so you know exactly how much they have had. Also the other good news is that when we first weighted Ant he was 7lbs 14oz. He has gained another 4oz since Monday!

I learned so much at the support group yesterday and I look forward to the next one. I left feeling confident in my abilities to feed my son.

As for last night, it wasn't as easy as it was in support group to BF. I felt those feeling of failure brewing up inside as Ant struggled to latch. The Ped just has me so concerned about his weight that no matter how great a feeding goes I still wonder if he got enough to continue gaining weight. To ease my fears for a few days I think we are going to continue to bottle feed a few feedings a day. I just need that visual reassurance that he is getting enough. Also I think I am going to still schedule a private consult with the LC. I think both Ant and I could use another boost in our self confidence when it comes to BFing.

Monday, March 29, 2010

1Month and Mommyland

Last week Ant turned 1 month old and I can't believe it. It really seems just like yesterday that I found out I was pregnant but at the same time if feels like a life time ago. We have come a long way in a month from the NICU to weight issues.

On Ant's 1 month birthday we found out he had finally broken the 7lb mark and now he is 7lb 10oz. He gained about 2oz a day this past week. We have also graduated from twice a week weight checks. It feels great to have his weight issues under control.

Now our big issues is BFing(breastfeed). Currently, I am primarily pumping and bottle feeding. We started this because of his tongue and weight issues. What I like about pumping is I know EXACTLY how much breast milk Ant is getting but the downside is I am tied to the breast pump. Being tied to the breast pump makes it hard to get out of the house. If I wait to long my breasts let me know.

I experienced this issue this weekend when DH's family was visiting. On Sunday DH had a concert and we all went (Ant and I included). I pumped in the car on the way to the concert and I was planning on pumping again during intermission. Unfortunately, I didn't bring my car keys and DH was on stage. the time we got to the car I REALLY needed to pump. I think I pumped 6oz of milk. What this also showed me is that I don't need to pump after every feeding. This has been liberating because I can pump while he is sleeping now during the day.

BFing is still a work in progress. I have had good experiences with Ant and bad ones. While DH's family was visiting I didn't BF at all because it was easier and there were plenty of hands to help with Ant. Today we had our first positive BFing experience in almost a week. After a few trys he latched on and ate. The plan is to call a Lactation Consultant and get some help. I haven't called yet. Maybe I will do that tomorrow?

In other news since we are family free Ant will be sleeping in his crib tonight. He has slept in his crib for a few naps but never at night. DH and I are very excited because we get our bedroom back. Also the cats can start sleeping with us again. I know the cats will be happy about this also. The first night home from the hospital Athena (our girl cat) meowed at our door all night.

Lastly, with each passing day I feel more and more bonded to Ant. When I spend time away from him now I miss him tremendously. I love him soo much and it just gets stronger everyday.
I guess that is all for now stay tuned for more about BFing. For my DE friends I will have more soon about how I am feeling about the DE.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

3 weeks

Today Ant is 3 weeks old. It is amazing how quickly the days pass now. Over the past 2 weeks or so we have been transitioning in our house. The first week was pretty easy other then him being in NICU. After we were home it was an eye opening experience. Nothing prepares you for motherhood but I wouldn't change a thing.

We have had a few struggles over the past couple weeks. One of them being Ant not gaining weight fast enough. All his other issues have been linked to the lack of weight gain. After several consults with the RN at the Ped's office on breastfeeding we realized that Ant was tongue-tied (the ligament underneath his was to tight). This was causing him to get air while he was eating and he was getting over tired.

Last week we got Ant's tongue clipped but that didn't solve our breastfeeding problems. On top of that we both got frustrated so we went strictly to pumping and bottle feeding. We were making good progress and in 4 days Ant gained 4oz. After a few days I decided to add in a few feedings on the breast with breast milk supplemented bottles. Today we had our first normal breastfeeding experience in almost a week. It was WONDERFUL!!! I am hoping this is just the start for Ant and I with breastfeeding.

As of now we are all doing great and adjusting. With each day I fall more in love with him. I catch myself staring at him and admiring how beautiful he is.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bonding and Healing

Thank you everyone for all your support. Yes, I am doing better but I still have my moments. The last couple days I have been enjoying getting out of the house and some of these trips were solo. These trips have been liberating and making me feel more like me again. Also, after one of these trips I realized I missed Ant and I wanted to be close to him. This feeling made me feel so much better. As my friends have told me, I fall more in love with him EVERYDAY!

The last couple days I have been having feelings of jealousy again. Several months I ago I was talking with my friend Lucy. We were discussing our IF wounds and how long it would take for them to heal. I was telling her I felt like my wound was healing and that I thought my son would fill it. Yes, Ant does help the wound but I am still not completely over the lose of my fertility. I am starting to think I will never completely get over the lose.

I find these feelings are brought on by family and friends getting pregnant all around me still. These feelings have resurfaced since the birth of Ant. I think it has to do with the fact that I am not pregnant anymore and as tough as the last month was I enjoyed feeling Ant grow. I also know exactly what I would have to do to have another child and it won't be easy emotional or financially. I guess as my friend Lucy says, "My IF will always be with me."