Sunday, July 24, 2011

Moving to Word Press

Well the time has come.  I am moving my blog to wordpress.  I am a little sad to leave blogger but it is time for a change.  Check out my new updated blog  Tell me what you think!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Diagnosis: POF

I am a little behind but last week at Fertility Authority I wrote about family building options for people with POF.  Enjoy and tell me what you think

Monday, July 18, 2011

Sleep Frustration

The last week has been terrible and the worst sleeping Ant has done since he was a very tiny newborn.  I will take blame for his sleep being off because I was the one who wanted to night wean him.  After our trip he was nursing more at night and I was looking forward to a full nights rest.  Needless to say Ant had other ideas!

For the last week there are been nights when Ant has been up for 3hrs!!!  To top it off he would refuse to nap.  So mama had to put on her big girl pants and let him cry it out.  I am not a fan of this technique but it was the last  straw.

So here we are about a week after trying to night wean and Ant is still nursing at night.  Sleep is getting better but last night he was up for at least an hour.  I know some of you are thinking it might be time to wean completely but I am even more convinced that Ant is not ready to wean.

To each there own!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Back on the Horse

Well, it is official, I am back on the TTC band wagon.  Originally, I wasn't sure I wasn't sure if I wanted to get back on but WTH.  Cycle #3 has started and AF is on her way out.  There are some things that are going to be different this time around.  I am not going in with my eye closed but I am going into this with my eyes wide open.

The plan right now is to take things slow.  I am still currently breastfeeding, so seeing the RE is out of the question.  Also, I am not ready for our FET.  The plan for our little 'totscile' is to transfer a year or two from now.  If we want to transfer next summer Ant will have to self wean by his second birthday.

Currently, we are in the middle of a family diet change.  My DH has been doing lots of research on eating because of his high cholesterol.  I have also been in some forums and groups talking about how these diet changes can help with TTC.  The foods we are eliminating are meat and dairy to start.  I have opted to leave fish in once a week.  As a family we have switched to almond milk (minus my morning creamer in my coffee) and eat as meat free as possible.  This means we are eating A LOT more fruits and veggies.  Phase two would be the elimination of sugar and gluten.  Phase 3 eliminate processed foods.  

DH and have told a few friends and family about our food plan.  Some are supportive and some are not.  I will keep you posted on how our eating plan goes.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

You Lost me at "Biological Mom"

This appeared in my my email box last week:

Hey donor diva,
My name is ______ and I work for The __________ Show in NY. We start filming our first season this summer and we will begin to air this september. We are a daytime talk show with a very intelligent and compassionate host whose main goal is to help all those guests he brings on. Think Oprah, NOT Maury. (more like Jerry Springer, in my opinion)
Anyway, a potential episode we may be shooting is about reuniting donor egg children with their biological mothers. My producer ________ would like to talk to you in further detail on the best ways to go about this. Are their databases? Perusing online I found your blog and you seem to be a perfect candidate even to come onto the show as a potential expert because you seem to be very passionate about the subject. Please get back to me when you can, and if you would like to expedite the process you can email my producer ________ at _______________. Thank you very much.
Best, _____________ 

Initially I was very flattered to be asked to be an expert but after reading the email several times I became more and more offended.  DH advised me to wait a few days to respond, this way it would soak in and I could give a not so heated response.  When I did respond it was short and to the point.  I was curious if anyone else had gotten emails like this.  After I responded I asked Marna, founder of Parents via Egg Donation(PVED), if she had ever gotten emails like this.  She told me ALL the time!

What I have learned from this experience is always ask Marna.  Seriously, she has been so helpful to me as a Mother and in my blogging world.  Once I found PVED I started understand egg donation more and how my choice will affect Ant.  I know I want to be an advocate but I don't want to be "eggploited."

Monday, June 27, 2011

Different Worlds

This past week I was visiting my family.  As I have mentioned many times my family is VERY fertile.  I often dread visiting them because of this.  After a great conversation with my mother about bonding (read more here) with Ant, I was starting to feel on the same page as my mother (for the first time in awhile).

The last morning we were at my parents' house my mother and I went for a walk.  I was telling her about my brother and how frustrated I am with him.  His wife is currently pregnant with their 2nd set of NATURAL twins (her 3rd set).  At times it is hard for me to be happy for them because I desire another child but I am unsure it that will ever happen.  I was telling my mom how I bit my tongue when my brother mentioned that they really didn't want more kids.  I knew he didn't mean it in that way but I know 2 more babies is going to put ALOT of extra stress on him and SIL.  I also revealed to my mother why I was really upset with them.  Out of anyone in our immediate family, they are the only ones who haven't gotten Ant a single gift.  I know money is tight but seriously all I am asking for is a little outfit or something?!?  Just to acknowledge that he exsists.  Dumb reason to be upset but I am.

My mother then said to me, "Susan we all come from different experiences.  They don't understand your infertility and you don't understand what SIL has been through."

As much as I hate to admit it but my mother is right (sssshhh don't tell my mom) :)

I guess the point I am trying to make is we all come from different life experiences and this is why I share my feeling so opening on this blog.  At times I have considered making my blog more private so my family couldn't read it.  To my surprise I found out my brother reads my blog.  I have a hard time talking to my brother about what is going on, so I am glad he is reading to get an idea of what is going on in my life.

At times I am harsh when talking about my family but this is my release.  This is my safe place to express my feelings.  Sometimes it is easier for me to write then to actually tell them how I am feeling.  As frustrating as it is to watch our fertile friends produce more and more children while we struggle but most likely they have their own story that we don't know about.  Knowing all their stories doesn't make my infertility easier, but it does give me an understanding that they have struggles also.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Which State Uses IVF the Most?

The United States of IVF - State IVF Rates and Rankings - Map Infographic
Via: Fertility Nation

It is interesting that the state I live in is #3.  Makes sense why people are so supportive.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Shirt For Ant

Cool Tees, T-Shirts and Gift Ideas From Stupid And Funny T Shirt Gifts

I am looking for a cute T-shirt for Ant. I really like this one. What is your favorite A.R.T. shirt for infants or toddlers?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Cycle #2

(TMI WARNING, If you are a man and don’t want to hear about Aunt Flow (AF) then don’t read this post)

Cycle #2 has come and gone already.  It was an almost 27 day cycle but AF was only 2 days long.  To top it off my cycle was only 2 days long and very light.  There was no heavy day and I think I used about 6 pads, if that.  I haven’t consulted with Dr. Google but I may. 

If I compare this AF to cycle #1 it was definitely lighter.  I have a few ideas why my cycle is so short:
  1.  Since I am still breastfeeding so often my hormones aren't in full swing yet.
  2.  I am going into full fledged Premature Ovarian Failure.

Part of me thinks this is the IFer in side of me just overreacting (most likely the case) but it is hard not worry.    

Friday Photo (a little late)

Sorry I am a little late with this one but was without internet for several days.  It was nice living in a world of no internet and no cell phone but I am happy to have it all back.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Tomorrow is my last day of work till August.  Since the school year started I have been counting down to this day and now it is upon me.  There is so much going on the next 2 months jury duty, family vacations, play dates, and maybe a little grad school.  I can't believe I am going to be able to do all of this in 2 months.

As I stood in my empty classroom today I found myself thinking about how things are different this year from last year.  Last year I left my classroom thinking I wasn't coming back.  I was convinced that I was going to be trying out a new career path.  Needless to say that didn't work out and I am still teaching.  In some ways I am glad this happened because over the last year I have rediscovered my love of teaching.  After 3 years of infertility it is refreshing to be living my life again.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

15 Months

Weight: 23lbs (with clothes and cloth diaper on) For some reason after they are a year they don't need to be naked anymore for weigh-ins.
Height: 30 1/2in
Breastfeeding: Great!!! Yes, we are still nursing and loving it.  On a work day he is nursing about 4 times a day.  On the he nurses more because I am around.  It is hard to count because many of those are snacks.  As for pumping I went through about 2 weeks where I pumped at work again.  I just stopped again and feeling very comfortable with that decision.
New Tricks: Well Ant has been walking for about 2 months now.  Right around 13months he started walking and hasn't slowed down.  He is also has started to walk backwards sometimes.  There is so much he is doing right now it is hard to keep track of everything.
Signing: New signs are bird, grandpa, and cracker, Aunt.
Words: Currently Ant has a vocabulary of about 30+ words.  It seems like he is learning new words all the time. Mama, Dada, Mimi (grandma), Papa (grandpa), Grandpa, tree, star, car, ball, door, cat, dog, sky, Elmo, plane, cracker, eat, food, milk, night night, bath, shoes, socks, balloon, bear, golf club, golf ball, book, duck, uncle, hi, bye bye.  He is also making animal sounds such as meow (cat), eee-eee (monkey), whoo whoo (owl), quack (duck). I am sure I forgot at least a few words he is saying.
Sleep: Night time sleep is great.  He sometimes gets up once to nurse but he sleep from about 7 to 7.  Nap-time we just switched to 1 nap because the 2 naps became unreliable.  
Favorite Toy: His golf clubs and golf balls.  He second favorite is Elmo.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

DE Story: Mommy's Garden

I was reading Keiko's blog "Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed" and she had a great post about a way to tell a DE child their story.  The story of the mother and daughter was absolutely amazing and was very inspirational.  I am getting some good ideas for when Ant is older.  How have you told your DE child about their conception?

Monday, June 6, 2011

I Can't Ignore the Signs

I am finding life before my first cycle, so much easier.  After we decided on using donor eggs, I also decided that I never wanted to use birth control ever again.  If on the off chance that I did have a good egg, I didn't want to miss it.  The last 2yrs have been bliss for me, no AF and not worrying about "trying" to get pregnant.

Granted, I am only in cycle #1 post Ant but I was hoping I could avoid worrying about it.  At this point it isn't working.  It is hard to miss egg white cervical mucus, at least for me. It was unlucky lucky for DH because I was ready to do some baby making. Today (for a second) I even considered calling my OB and getting on birth control.  The hormones are making me crazy or just the idea of TTC makes me crazy.

I thought at first I wouldn't think about TTC, since I know a 40 year old has a better chance of getting pregnant then I do.  But all the positive mumbo-jumbo that everyone spouts is getting to my head.

"Pregnancy heals you."
"#2 will be easier."
"You will be more relaxed"

I just really need to get out of my head!!! Maybe I should consider birth control? NOT!!!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

How Life Has Changed

I meet my friend Lucy several years ago at a IF support group.  After several weeks of going to group Lucy, Wendy and I really hit it off.  One week group was canceled, so the 3 of us got together and had our own little group.  Just over 2 years go Wendy and I found out we were pregnant with our DE babies but Lucy's IUI ended up getting canceled :(  Wendy and I were bummed out that Lucy's cycle didn't work but we had hope she would join the preggo club soon.  Lucy did join us just a few months later.  The 3 of us enjoyed our 3 very different pregnancies.

I was thinking about this because yesterday we attended C's (Lucy's son) 1st birthday party.  To see the 4 boys playing together was surreal.  To think they didn't even exist 2 years ago.  Our lives are so blessed. It is fun to think, iff the 3 of us weren't infertile we would have NEVER met.  Infertility is hard but it can also create the best friendships.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Photo

Am I a cynic?

Lately I have been finding myself error on the side of caution when people ask me if we are having a second child.  I used to tell them, “hopefully!”  Now I find myself saying , “Ant will most likely be an only child.”  Why am I changing my tune?

The eternal optimist in me wants to say we will have a second but the realist that I have become realizes it is a long shot.  I believe these changes have to do with the fact, that now we have Ant.  As much as I want a second, I don’t want to risk his well being on another.  It would be between another 15K- 30K+ for #2 if the FET doesn’t work.  This is the downside to DE.  If my eggs were good my insurance would cover the procedure but that isn’t the case for us. 

Recently I was talking with DH about our little totsicle.   I told him I was considering just donating our little totsicle to someone else and just be happy with Ant.  My thinking was that if we went through we the FET (in a couple years) and it didn’t work then my desire for #2 would be greater.  If we just donated our little totsicle now we could just live our lives as they are now, with Ant.  Unfortunately/Fortunately DH disagrees and wants to do the FET (whenever I am ready).

My fear is if we do the FET it will make me depressed and unhappy with what I already have.  I LOVE Ant and I would love to share that love with another child.  Do I want to risk my happiness on the possibility on even more happiness?  Is it worth the possible heartache?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

To Track or Not to Track?

Well, I think Aunt Flow (AF) has reared her ugly head for the first time in almost 2 years.  In some ways I expected her to show up: my face started breaking out, I thought I had ovulation pains about 2 weeks ago, and today I was having heart palpitation(POF symptom).

Prior to these last two years I tracked EVERY cycle.  I know almost immediately if I didn't ovulate or if something was off in my cycle.   Part of me is ready to jump back on the cycle tracking wagon but there is another part of me that doesn't want to track my cycle.  My fear is if I track my cycle, I will "try" to conceive again.  In our dream world we want another child but I don't want to put myself through this again.  I am currently VERY happy with where I am right now.

Then I also want to call my DR and have them run all the baseline fertility test.  I want to know how my FSH is after two years off.

This next cycle is going to be interesting and I wonder what it is going to bring.  Will it be normal?  Will I ovulate?  Will I have other POF symptoms?

Monday, May 16, 2011

The Secret is Out!

My secret is I am the newest blogger for Fertility Authority!!! My blog's title is Donor Diva: Let's Talk Egg Donation and my first post goes up tomorrow!!!  I am so excited!!  I will post a direct link tomorrow...please come share your support.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Forced to Live Child Free

When starting TTC the idea of living "child free" wasn't even on my radar.  Through my journey through infertility I have met many women.  Most of them reach their goal of becoming a mother but there are a few who chose were forced to live child fee.

Recently, one of my dear friends was put in this position.  Her TTC journey has come to an end and she is trying to cope with living child free.  On one hand I understand how she feels but I have a child.

Back Story:
Around the time I found out I was pregnant, she found out she was pregnant also.  We were so excited to have babies so close to each other.  It was just perfect.  Sadly her pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.  After a few FETs she finally got pregnant again.  We were so excited when she made it past the 12week mark but this pregnancy ended prematurely also :(

My friend and her DH saved up for one more IVF but before ER they found out her DH didn't have any moble sperm and this equaled the end for them.

I want to support my friend in her forced choice to live child free but I don't know how to help.  For someone who loves to help, I am at a loss. 

Suggestions?  How would you help your friend deal with being forced to live child free?

Friday, May 13, 2011

Photo Friday

Sorry I have been MIA, I will admit work got the best of me the last couple weeks.  One more day of "HELL" week and then life gets back to normal.  There have also been some very exciting things going on in the background.  I really want to share them but will wait till it is a done deal.

So, my 365 project is a is time to modify my goal, instead of daily I am sharing weekly pics.   Enjoy this weeks Friday Photo.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

There when times in my journey to motherhood when I had no hope but now I get to see this smiling face everyday. Thank you for bringing so much joy into my life Ant. Thank you to our donor for giving us the greatest gift ever, the egg that created Ant.
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