You Lost me at "Biological Mom"

This appeared in my my email box last week:

Hey donor diva,
My name is ______ and I work for The __________ Show in NY. We start filming our first season this summer and we will begin to air this september. We are a daytime talk show with a very intelligent and compassionate host whose main goal is to help all those guests he brings on. Think Oprah, NOT Maury. (more like Jerry Springer, in my opinion)
Anyway, a potential episode we may be shooting is about reuniting donor egg children with their biological mothers. My producer ________ would like to talk to you in further detail on the best ways to go about this. Are their databases? Perusing online I found your blog and you seem to be a perfect candidate even to come onto the show as a potential expert because you seem to be very passionate about the subject. Please get back to me when you can, and if you would like to expedite the process you can email my producer ________ at _______________. Thank you very much.
Best, _____________ 


Initially I was very flattered to be asked to be an expert but after reading the email several times I became more and more offended.  DH advised me to wait a few days to respond, this way it would soak in and I could give a not so heated response.  When I did respond it was short and to the point.  I was curious if anyone else had gotten emails like this.  After I responded I asked Marna, founder of Parents via Egg Donation(PVED), if she had ever gotten emails like this.  She told me ALL the time!

What I have learned from this experience is always ask Marna.  Seriously, she has been so helpful to me as a Mother and in my blogging world.  Once I found PVED I started understand egg donation more and how my choice will affect Ant.  I know I want to be an advocate but I don't want to be "eggploited."

Egg Donation Disclosure: To tell or not to tell?

This weeks blog at Fertility Authority is about disclosing to your child.  Will you disclose?

Which State Uses IVF the Most?

Via: Fertility Nation


It is interesting that the state I live in is #3.  Makes sense why people are so supportive.

DE Story: Mommy's Garden

I was reading Keiko's blog "Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed" and she had a great post about a way to tell a DE child their story.  The story of the mother and daughter was absolutely amazing and was very inspirational.  I am getting some good ideas for when Ant is older.  How have you told your DE child about their conception?

I Can't Ignore the Signs

I am finding life before my first cycle, so much easier.  After we decided on using donor eggs, I also decided that I never wanted to use birth control ever again.  If on the off chance that I did have a good egg, I didn't want to miss it.  The last 2yrs have been bliss for me, no AF and not worrying about "trying" to get pregnant.

Granted, I am only in cycle #1 post Ant but I was hoping I could avoid worrying about it.  At this point it isn't working.  It is hard to miss egg white cervical mucus, at least for me. It was unlucky lucky for DH because I was ready to do some baby making. Today (for a second) I even considered calling my OB and getting on birth control.  The hormones are making me crazy or just the idea of TTC makes me crazy.

I thought at first I wouldn't think about TTC, since I know a 40 year old has a better chance of getting pregnant then I do.  But all the positive mumbo-jumbo that everyone spouts is getting to my head.

"Pregnancy heals you."
"#2 will be easier."
"You will be more relaxed"
ETC!!!!

I just really need to get out of my head!!! Maybe I should consider birth control? NOT!!!

I am the Mom!

I have been spending the last couple days trying to write this blog. I had had discussion with my husband about what is a mom and also discussions with myself. In my head they sound like this, "How does one cell make you a mom?"

"It doesn't"

"Well they share genetics."

"Who cares about genetics? I gave birth to him."

"Genetics are important, that is how his eye color and hair color were decided."

"Well, still how does that make the donor his mother?"

My head has been spinning with frustration…how do I explain to people I am Ant ONLY mother? This all steams from a blog post a read in the NYT Motherlode this week, "An Egg Donor's Tale" written by an anonymous egg donor. It is basically about the anonymous egg donor and how she wants to reconnect with the recipients and the twins she helped create. She reminisces about how she wants to tell them about their conception because she believes the parents never told the twins. For the most part I enjoyed hearing from her but the only thing that stung was when she called herself the "Biological Mother." UGH!!! Also how she talked about co-parenting. Later on in the comments she says she doesn't want to co-parent but just be a part of the twins lives.

I was also impressed with how the comments were not your normal infertility comments, such as "God made you infertile, so you should adopt."

If you are interested in the comments they are a pretty good read. There is some banter back and forth between a few but for the most part they talk about how the egg donor shouldn't contact the twins. So, I was brave and commented also,

"Thank you so much for sharing your story. As a mother through egg donation it is nice to hear from a donor. The only part of your story or comments that jumps out at me is you calling yourself the "Biological Mother." I realize egg donation is still a "new" ART procedure but I really feel like "Biological Mother" is the wrong term. What even makes one a mother? But all I know is that I am my son's ONLY mother. Yes, a very nice women donated eggs so we could have our family but I carried him, I nurse him, and when he cries I am the one he wants. Thank you again for sharing your story."

Well, almost the next was:

"Donor Diva- Read my comment in 63 and Todd Fox's in 66. Sorry, it's just not true in your case. You aren't the only mother of your child. Your child has a different genetic mother, which has many biological and yes, emotional ramifications (see CZ's comment). The sooner you deal with this, the better off you and your child will be."

UGH!!! I was so annoyed but I refrained from getting into a comment argument and decided to blog about it instead. Seriously how does one cell give our egg donor the title of mother to Ant? She donated it so she is giving it to use and has no claim to this cell. This one cell was then mixed with my DH's cell to create Ant (the embryo). This embryo was then grown in the lab and then transferred into ME! Yes, ME (I guess I sound a little selfish). Ant then grew inside of me for the next 36 weeks and then I gave birth to him (I have the c-sec scare to prove it). Also since he is breastfeeding the milk he drinks is created by me. How does this not make him my biological child? This one cell that was donated grew inside of me and is now growing with the help of my milk.

DH says, "There is a lot more to being a mom then a one cell egg."

This comment came from our discussion about donor sperm and egg donation. When I hear people talking about sperm donation, I have NEVER heard a sperm donor referred to as the father. Maybe I need to hang out with more people who used donor sperm or is it because it is so much easier to get sperm then eggs?

I don't even know where I am going in this blog except to say I am Ant's ONLY mother. Yes, a wonderful donor gave us the eggs to create him but I took over from there. Mum(+ 1cell) + Dad = Ant!

A Little Jealous

Recently, I have been experiencing a little bit of jealousy. I have a several friends who were considering DE as their next step and on their last shot with their own eggs it worked! I am truly happy for them but there is a part of me that wonders if I had done one more cycle with my eggs if it had worked. This is silly for me to think of because now that Ant is here I wouldn't ever trade him for a genetic child. As, I have said before he is the child I was meant to have.

I must remember for as many friends who have succeed I know many more who haven't. Instead of wishing for something that for something that didn't happen I need to stay focused on our amazing blessing.

Also, I just wanted to send out a warning for my blog readers. I am going to be focusing on motherhood blogs for awhile. As much as I identify and understand IF I want to talk about motherhood more at this moment. For up coming blogs I am going to talk about babywearing, breastfeeding(of course), and just general life as a mother.

American Girl

I think every person has a dream of what their child/ren will look like. They pick their best features and combine them together. A few days ago I was driving home from work and the song "American Girl" by Carrie Underwood came on. It got me thinking about my dreams of our little girl (the one we were suppose to have). My American girl was going to be the perfect combination of DH and I. She would have my brown hair, my smile, and my chin dimple. She would have DH's beautiful blue eyes and perfectly strong teeth. She would also have a uni brow...but there is wax for that. My American girl still exists in my imaginations and I still dream about her. Part of moving on to DE was moving past the dream of my American girl, the perfect child of my dreams. I might still dream about her but the real perfect child sits in front of me now, my amazing son who smiles at me every day. Being a mother of a DE child makes you realize there is much more to being a mother then passing on your genes. It is about sharing your love with your child. The child you were meant to have.

I still dream of my American girl but I love my little miracle Ant.

"He has your nose"

I thought for sure it would bother me if people told me Ant doesn't look like me. Or when they stare at him and say, "I think he has your nose." Maybe he does but it is pure dumb luck.

Yesterday our family of 3 took a trip to my work, it was the band and string concert. This was also the first time many of the parents would meet my son. Ant and I have taken a few trips to school but all during the day. After the concert we were flocked with parents and students. Since I have been teaching at my school for 6 years now I know many of the parents.

The families that I knew would come up and ogle at Ant. They would look at him and then at me. Then tell me how beautiful he is. My favorite comment was, "Girl, you might have carried him but he is all daddy."

In all honesty I wasn't sure how I would handle comments about who he looked like or people telling me he looked like me or he didn't. It turns out it is more of a joke to me. I have to hold back a smirk when they tell me he looks like me.

As for people at work most of them know he is a DE baby. I have made no secret about my struggles to become a mother. The reason I am so open is because if one of them is having issues I would hope they would feel comfortable enough to come and talk to me. As for the parents of my students very few of them know. It just hasn't ever come up in conversation. Will I ever tell them? Maybe. But till they ask or we talk about it I am just going to have to laugh on the inside as they struggle to find something of his that looks like me.

Starting the Story

Even before Ant was conceived, I knew I wanted to tell him his conception story. Ever day I am just so grateful to the women who donated her eggs to us so we could finally start our family.

Now that Ant is here I feel awkward talking to him about his story. It makes sense why DE parents talk about starting young. I am hoping by the time he starts to understand I have found the best way to tell him how he joined our family.

When I talk to him about his beginnings what is the best way? Should he be awake? The beginning of this conversation is hard. I guess I just need to start practicing.

Ant, here is the first picture we have of you...

Let the story telling begin!

Teen DE Child Talks

This video just brought tears to my eyes. Since we made this hard decision to move onto DE, I have wondered how our child would deal with this. Now that Ant's arrival is so close I think about it more often. It is just so great to see and hear an actual teen child via egg donation and hear how she feels about being a DE child.

Jealousy

Sometimes I feel so stupid feeling this way but I am going to come out of the closet and admit something to myself and all my readers, “I am jealous.” I am jealous of my friends who can have biological children. I am jealous of women who can get pregnant without assistance.

This jealousy has seemed to always have been there since we found out DE was our only option but I didn’t realize how jealous I was until very recently. As we sat at the dinner table at Thanksgiving DH’s family start discussing who his cousin’s daughter looked like. For a normal mother this wouldn’t be a big deal but it made me jealous. I was thinking of next Thanksgiving with Ant. In my imagination we are sitting at the table and discussing who he looked like and how I might not enter the conversation. Maybe if I am lucky he might look like me or someone in my family but I will know differently.

Lately, I have been having these daydreams of a little girl who looks like me. This little girl is the daughter that I have always dreamed of having. The little girl that the RN at my REs office said we deserved. The child of my dreams is a little girl with brown eyes, brown hair, my smile, and with a little of DH mixed in there. Why now at 27weeks am I having such a hard time with this?

I am just so jealous. Please don’t take this the wrong way because I love Ant and I wouldn’t change the way he is coming to us but I am having a hard time shaking these feelings. I pray these feelings disappear once I hold our son in my arms for the first time. The last thing I want is my insecurities to affect him. I guess it is better to deal with these emotions now then once Ant is here.

Learning From The Adoption Community

Today I listened to a podcast by Dawn Davenport. She does an amazing weekly radio show on infertility and adoption and has a great website. Back in September she did a show titled "What 3rd Party Reproduction Can Learn from Adoption." Now that I am pregnant I am a little back logged in my infertility listening. You would think now that I am pregnant I would listen to pregnancy podcast. I guess I am still living in my IF world.

During the radio show she had two guest Adam Pertman, Executive Director of The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute and Marna Gatlin, founder and Director of the nonprofit, Parents Via Egg Donation. They were discussing the mistakes that donor egg parents are making and how they are the same mistakes the adoption community used to make.

I find most of the mistakes stem from our own insecurities as donor egg parents. After years of treatments and failure, we are just ready to move on with out lives and forget about how our miracle came to us. Another of our fears is the fear of rejection, we fear our child will tell us they love their "donor" better then us or that they will bond more with their father (the biological link). Many of us also feel their is a stigma with being the recipient of donor eggs and building our family in a non-traditional way. I have felt all of these and debated them in my head.

Like many people who go through many IF treatments I felt like a failure by the time I got to DE. I was depressed and ready to move onto the next chapter of live "Motherhood." When my DH and I finally settle on DE it was a relief and I knew we wouldn't fail. This was our way to become parents. From the very beginning I knew I wanted to tell our little angel that his origins and how he came to us but there was a moment when I was unsure about telling. I remember discussing our next course of action with a close friend and leaving out DE. I felt like such as liar and I knew I couldn't continue this. I had to be honest with myself, family, and friends about what we were doing.

One of the reasons I hesitate telling anyone about us using DE was the stigma I imagined attached to it. I was sure people would look down upon me because I couldn't create a child without 3rd party reproduction. I was a failure as a women. The one thing women were created for I could not do, that was create an egg that would turn into a baby. Surprisingly in my life I found a wealth of support. Many of my friends and family had no idea what I was talking about but they were just so happy that I was finally going to have the chance to be the mother I so desperately wanted to be. What I am saying is there are people who may look down upon you for your choice of DE but I haven't run into a single person yet.

My insecurities weren't just from the stigma but also from worrying that he would love his father more or reject me because I wasn't his "biological mother." They discussed this in the show and talked about how adoptive parents feel the same way. There may be a point in my son's life that he uses that line but all teenagers say hurtful things to their parents, I did. How I have been dealing with this issue is preparing to tell our son from birth his story. They suggest doing this in the podcast. The reason they suggest starting from birth is so when he gets old enough to understand and ask questions you already know what to say because you have been practicing for years. I want my little angel to be comfortable with his orgins and not feel as an outcast.

After listening to this podcast I am even more confident in my decision to disclose to our son how he was created. I am not ashamed of my choices and neither should anyone else who has created their family with the assistance of DE. We know we made the best decision for ourselves and for our families.

I chose to be childless for 3 years?

One of my dear friends sent me the link to this article in the New York Times. It is written by a women who underwent IF treatments but after failed IVF decided to live a childless life. This article intrigued me since I know some way and some how I wanted to be a parent. I have found the danger of writing a article about IF for the general public is you have people who don't understand IF respond. Here is one comment that hit me hard.

"It is interesting to me that most women who are infertile speak of their childless state as though it is something out of their control. They need to be honest and admit that being childless is their choice. There are literally millions of children out there who need good homes. If your goals are family and motherhood, why is adoption given such short shrift? Why not just be honest and admit that family and parenting aren’t your goals, but rather genetic preservation or perhaps just the state of being pregnant? While Ms. Little cursorily addresses adoption by demeaning those who have suggested it to her and tries to save face by praising those who do adopt, it doesn’t seem to me that she has honestly examined her motives for not wanting to consider adoption."— ML

My problem with her comment is that she is saying that I was choosing to be childless. Obviously, she has never dealt with IF because no one chooses IF. Yes, I choose not to adopt but that was because I wanted to experience the joy of being pregnant and feeling my child grow inside of me. Also as a mother to be of a donor egg baby genetics aren't the most important thing to me. Yes, I dreamed of having my own biological child but I came to a point where it was more important to be pregnant and carry my child then biology. Other IF couples who adopt come to the same conclusion but decided it is more important to parent then have a biological child.

I think infertilies who decide not to adopt are misunderstood. Adoption isn't for everyone and is a long expensive process. I know several people who adopted children and they understand that it is a choice. Adoption isn't a guaranteed thing, I have heard many stories from couples who went through failed adoptions. If this couple went through IF treatments they have already been through lots of disappointment. They just might be to vulnerable to go through that disappointment again. I guess my point here is "just adopt" is never an appropriate answer to IF.

People who didn't live through IF won't ever completely understand the pain and disappointment it causes. IF has changed my life and has changed many of my views. Looking back on my 3 year journey to my baby, I wouldn't go back and change much. I just hope other can learn from my struggles.

PS. To my fertile friends, don't worry I still love you and I know you understand my struggles to the best of your ability. Thank you for your support during my journey. I was lucky to have understanding friends and I count my blessings daily.