Baby Steps

I am finally feeling like I am getting the hang of being a mother. This all started to set in over the weekend when Ant and I got the hang of feedings. No, we aren't back to full-time BFing but that is our ultimate goal. This realization came after my last meeting with my LC. She recognized something that no one else had identified.

Ant is a very noisy boy, he squeaks when he breathes and when he eats. She said it could possibly be tracheomalacia and I should talk to Ant's pediatrician about it. Today we went to the pediatrician for a weight check. After his weight check of 8lb 6oz (grow baby grow), I asked to speak to her if she had a moment. She came in as I was finishing feeding him and I told her what my LC said. Of course she heard him right there and asked, "Does he do this any other time?"

"Yes, while he sleeps."

She suggested we go see the ENT again and told me as the LC told me that he will most likely grow out of the tracheomalacia. I guess I really don't need to get him officially dx (diagnosis) but I would rather know then not.

We also have a plan now with his feedings now that we know he is still getting exhausted while nursing and burning to many calories. Currently we are supplementing with about 2 1/2oz of breast milk and then offering him the breast afterwards. Usually he will take me up on the offer because he LOVES nursing. It is our own special little time together.

Along with feedings going better our bond is growing stronger. I just love to be close to him. While he is sleeping in his crib or in his car seat asleep, I find I miss him being close to me. Or when he is full and doesn't want to nurse I am sad because I was really looking forward to those 10mins or so of us time. The joys of motherhood are becoming more obvious to me daily. He hasn't smiled at me yet but he does have a cute pout. DH told me that you are crazy if you don't think he his pout looks like yours. I guess he really did get something from me.

1Month and Mommyland

Last week Ant turned 1 month old and I can't believe it. It really seems just like yesterday that I found out I was pregnant but at the same time if feels like a life time ago. We have come a long way in a month from the NICU to weight issues.

On Ant's 1 month birthday we found out he had finally broken the 7lb mark and now he is 7lb 10oz. He gained about 2oz a day this past week. We have also graduated from twice a week weight checks. It feels great to have his weight issues under control.

Now our big issues is BFing(breastfeed). Currently, I am primarily pumping and bottle feeding. We started this because of his tongue and weight issues. What I like about pumping is I know EXACTLY how much breast milk Ant is getting but the downside is I am tied to the breast pump. Being tied to the breast pump makes it hard to get out of the house. If I wait to long my breasts let me know.

I experienced this issue this weekend when DH's family was visiting. On Sunday DH had a concert and we all went (Ant and I included). I pumped in the car on the way to the concert and I was planning on pumping again during intermission. Unfortunately, I didn't bring my car keys and DH was on stage. Soo...by the time we got to the car I REALLY needed to pump. I think I pumped 6oz of milk. What this also showed me is that I don't need to pump after every feeding. This has been liberating because I can pump while he is sleeping now during the day.

BFing is still a work in progress. I have had good experiences with Ant and bad ones. While DH's family was visiting I didn't BF at all because it was easier and there were plenty of hands to help with Ant. Today we had our first positive BFing experience in almost a week. After a few trys he latched on and ate. The plan is to call a Lactation Consultant and get some help. I haven't called yet. Maybe I will do that tomorrow?

In other news since we are family free Ant will be sleeping in his crib tonight. He has slept in his crib for a few naps but never at night. DH and I are very excited because we get our bedroom back. Also the cats can start sleeping with us again. I know the cats will be happy about this also. The first night home from the hospital Athena (our girl cat) meowed at our door all night.

Lastly, with each passing day I feel more and more bonded to Ant. When I spend time away from him now I miss him tremendously. I love him soo much and it just gets stronger everyday.
I guess that is all for now stay tuned for more about BFing. For my DE friends I will have more soon about how I am feeling about the DE.

Love At First Sight?

Since I was a little girl I have been “in love” with the idea of becoming a mother which is why I was heartbroken when told that I will most likely never have bio children. When I finally came to the realization that being a mother and being pregnant were the most important things to me, I was ready to forge ahead with DE. One of my worries about using DE was that I wouldn’t love or be able to bond with the baby. Once I found out I was finally pregnant, these feelings disappeared. I was instantly in love with the life growing inside of me.

Well, this has changed. These last couple of days, I have been struggling with the idea that I am not feeling that “love at first sight” bond with my son. I have been feeling guilty and embarrassed by this idea. Why don’t I feel bonded with my son? Is it post-partum depression (PPD)? Or is it something else?

I think there is a big misconception about how we are supposed to feel after having a child. Hollywood has portrayed this relationship as something that instantly happens. Once the baby comes out you are “in love.” When pregnant, you hear from all your “mommy” friends about how great it is to be a parent. Are they all lying or is it something else?

This week, I dropped by work to finish some paperwork and my coworkers were badgering me with questions about being a mother. I didn’t know how to answer. I knew I was supposed to be excited and loving every minute of it, but I just couldn’t shake this disconnected feeling.

After reading a blog by Dawn Davenport titled “The Myth of Love at First Sight,” I decided it was my turn to talk about the feelings that I have been hiding from those around me. The most important piece of advice I got was that love isn’t always instant and that it will grow with time, just like any good relationship.

I have been rationalizing my feelings since my son’s birth and I have narrowed it down to three things: emergency c-section, NICU and DE. This combination of events has added to my lack of bonding with my son. Last night was the first time I admitted to myself and my DH that I was feeling this way. I was a crying mess and DH assured me that these feelings were normal. I also opened up to a dear friend and she agreed that part of it could be due to the c-section and NICU but also told me to make sure I speak to my OB if it doesn’t get better. My friend is worried that I might have PPD. At this point, I don’t think it is PPD but I have promised her that if it gets worse then I will contact my doctor.

I really think the c-section and NICU stay affected my feeling of bonding because that first mothering experience I was looking forward to didn’t happen until 24 hours after my son was born. During the actual c-section I knew that after Ant was checked by the nurses, they would bring him back to me for his first feeding. This was going to be the sealing of our bond. Due to all the craziness with Ant’s glucose, this didn’t happen. Also, most new parents are able to spend their first few nights together with their child in the hospital. They have time to get to know each other but still have the support of the hospital staff. For us, there was no baby in our room; just the sounds of me pumping every few hours. Would it have been that different if these things had never happened? Maybe? Or maybe not. I could keep wondering, or I could choose to just move forward and continue bonding with Ant. My son.