Stupid Genetics

Why does everything come back to genetics?  Why as parents are we so stuck on them?

I know why I am, if you saw my sister and I standing next to each other there would be no doubt in your mind that we were related to each other.  The funnest thing to me is were asked several times if we were TWINS (LOL).  Not so funny to my sister since she if 5 years younger then me.

It is interesting how not a single person commented on how Ant looked.  Not a mention of how he looked like me or my sister.  I know he doesn't but usually people try to find something.  They were just so overwhelmed by my likeness to my sister.

Moments like these with my sister thing about the genetics that Ant and I don't share.  When we are around my family they comment on how much he looks like DH (I LOVE THIS!) but I feel left out of the genetic equation.  The funniest thing to me is that I long for people to find likeness between Ant and I.  As funny as I think it is I want them to tell me Ant looks like me.  It reassures me that we picked the right donor.

Stupid Genetics why do you taunt me!  I want to push you to the back of my mind and never think of you again but you are just to strong.  I see why some people can never move past it.  At times I don't know how I did.  I just wanted out of that deep dark infertile hole that I used to live in.

Ant I am so glad you are in my life.  You make me forget about the part of me that I lost to POF.  You have filled that loss but when I am around my family that loss if thrown in my face again and again.  It isn't their fault we look so much a like, it is all the fault of genetics.  The same genetics that gave me POF. 

Don't Doubt My Love

I LOVE ANT!!!! He our child!

I don't want anyone to misunderstand my previous post.  Yes, I long dream about the child I thought we were suppose to have but I would NEVER trade Ant.  He is an amazing little boy and I look forward to watching him grow up.  Ant no matter what I say or what anyone else says you are my sweet angel boy and I wouldn't trade you for 100 "genetic children."

It is frustrating because the last thing I want is for my words to be misunderstood.  My goal through this blog is to share some of my inner most thoughts, fears, dreams, etc.  Third party reproduction is still new and there is still so much people don't understand. 

Donor Diva

Genetic Connection

Last night I was talking with one of my new mommy friends (she had IF also) about the genetic connection and my desire to have more children.  As many times as I tell people how happy I am to have Ant there is that small part of me that still longs for a genetic child.  It breaks my heart to even think that because I love Ant soooo much.  From the time you start dating someone you start imaging what your children will look like and I am finding really hard to let go of that.

Part of the reason this has recently resurfaced is because I have had several friends get pregnant on their "last chance" with their own eggs.  I am so ecstatic for them that they didn't have to use a donor but it makes me dream more about my own "genetic children."  At times I wonder if I will ever truly get over this loss. 

Now that Ant is a year I am starting to think about my desire to have more children and be pregnant again. In my mind I am considering trying with my own eggs again.  Am I completely mad?  How will I explain that one?

I am just in a weird place and don't know  where to go from here.  I guess it is a good thing that Ant is still nursing because if he wasn't I might actually have to decided on how we want to proceed for #2, if there is a #2.