I have been spending the last couple days trying to write this blog. I had had discussion with my husband about what is a mom and also discussions with myself. In my head they sound like this, "How does one cell make you a mom?"
"Well they share genetics."
"Who cares about genetics? I gave birth to him."
"Genetics are important, that is how his eye color and hair color were decided."
"Well, still how does that make the donor his mother?"
My head has been spinning with frustration…how do I explain to people I am Ant ONLY mother? This all steams from a blog post a read in the NYT Motherlode this week, "An Egg Donor's Tale" written by an anonymous egg donor. It is basically about the anonymous egg donor and how she wants to reconnect with the recipients and the twins she helped create. She reminisces about how she wants to tell them about their conception because she believes the parents never told the twins. For the most part I enjoyed hearing from her but the only thing that stung was when she called herself the "Biological Mother." UGH!!! Also how she talked about co-parenting. Later on in the comments she says she doesn't want to co-parent but just be a part of the twins lives.
I was also impressed with how the comments were not your normal infertility comments, such as "God made you infertile, so you should adopt."
If you are interested in the comments they are a pretty good read. There is some banter back and forth between a few but for the most part they talk about how the egg donor shouldn't contact the twins. So, I was brave and commented also,
"Thank you so much for sharing your story. As a mother through egg donation it is nice to hear from a donor. The only part of your story or comments that jumps out at me is you calling yourself the "Biological Mother." I realize egg donation is still a "new" ART procedure but I really feel like "Biological Mother" is the wrong term. What even makes one a mother? But all I know is that I am my son's ONLY mother. Yes, a very nice women donated eggs so we could have our family but I carried him, I nurse him, and when he cries I am the one he wants. Thank you again for sharing your story."
Well, almost the next was:
"Donor Diva- Read my comment in 63 and Todd Fox's in 66. Sorry, it's just not true in your case. You aren't the only mother of your child. Your child has a different genetic mother, which has many biological and yes, emotional ramifications (see CZ's comment). The sooner you deal with this, the better off you and your child will be."
UGH!!! I was so annoyed but I refrained from getting into a comment argument and decided to blog about it instead. Seriously how does one cell give our egg donor the title of mother to Ant? She donated it so she is giving it to use and has no claim to this cell. This one cell was then mixed with my DH's cell to create Ant (the embryo). This embryo was then grown in the lab and then transferred into ME! Yes, ME (I guess I sound a little selfish). Ant then grew inside of me for the next 36 weeks and then I gave birth to him (I have the c-sec scare to prove it). Also since he is breastfeeding the milk he drinks is created by me. How does this not make him my biological child? This one cell that was donated grew inside of me and is now growing with the help of my milk.
DH says, "There is a lot more to being a mom then a one cell egg."
This comment came from our discussion about donor sperm and egg donation. When I hear people talking about sperm donation, I have NEVER heard a sperm donor referred to as the father. Maybe I need to hang out with more people who used donor sperm or is it because it is so much easier to get sperm then eggs?
I don't even know where I am going in this blog except to say I am Ant's ONLY mother. Yes, a wonderful donor gave us the eggs to create him but I took over from there. Mum(+ 1cell) + Dad = Ant!