Am I a cynic?

Lately I have been finding myself error on the side of caution when people ask me if we are having a second child.  I used to tell them, “hopefully!”  Now I find myself saying , “Ant will most likely be an only child.”  Why am I changing my tune?

The eternal optimist in me wants to say we will have a second but the realist that I have become realizes it is a long shot.  I believe these changes have to do with the fact, that now we have Ant.  As much as I want a second, I don’t want to risk his well being on another.  It would be between another 15K- 30K+ for #2 if the FET doesn’t work.  This is the downside to DE.  If my eggs were good my insurance would cover the procedure but that isn’t the case for us. 

Recently I was talking with DH about our little totsicle.   I told him I was considering just donating our little totsicle to someone else and just be happy with Ant.  My thinking was that if we went through we the FET (in a couple years) and it didn’t work then my desire for #2 would be greater.  If we just donated our little totsicle now we could just live our lives as they are now, with Ant.  Unfortunately/Fortunately DH disagrees and wants to do the FET (whenever I am ready).

My fear is if we do the FET it will make me depressed and unhappy with what I already have.  I LOVE Ant and I would love to share that love with another child.  Do I want to risk my happiness on the possibility on even more happiness?  Is it worth the possible heartache?

"#2 Will Be Easier"

Even though it is a commonly known fact that Ant is a DE child people still tell me "the second will come easier."

I have to say this comment is really starting to annoy me.  We want to have another child more than anything, but it all comes down to money.  It is depressing to me to say this out loud.  If we want to expand our family we have to scrimp and save our money for the next ___ years.  

Over the last month or so this inner dialog of wanting another child has gotten louder.  Maybe it is that my breastfeeding friends ask me if I want another one...then I remind them about the DE and they suddenly don't know what to say.  In July we will have to pay the storage fee on little totsicle again.  How much longer do we want to wait before we transfer?

I'm also thinking about my breastfeeding, since I have to stop to go through a FET.  I know many people turn their noses at people breastfeeding past a year, but I will proudly say I hope to breastfeed Ant for at least 2 years (and we may nurse longer.)  So, at this moment it looks like #2 is still a long way away.

Awhile ago I talked about how I was the infertile in a very fertile world.  This was prompted by the announcement of my younger sister being pregnant with her second and my SIL being pregnant with her 3rd set of NATURAL TWINS (yes, you read that right).  At times it is hard being a member of my immediate family-they just don't seem to understand what DH and I have been going through and are still going through.  Also, hearing all this news of more babies makes my desire for another stronger.  

For now I am content with Ant and our breastfeeding goals.  In time I will know the answers to all these questions.  Till then I will do my best to enjoy life to its fullest and enjoy every moment with Ant.