Diagnosis: POF

I am a little behind but last week at Fertility Authority I wrote about family building options for people with POF.  Enjoy and tell me what you think http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/donor-diva/2011/07/13/diagnosis-premature-ovarian-failure-pof

Optimist or Realist?

This week at Fertility Authority, I talk about being a fertility optimist and realist.  Which are you? or are you both?

You Lost me at "Biological Mom"

This appeared in my my email box last week:

Hey donor diva,
My name is ______ and I work for The __________ Show in NY. We start filming our first season this summer and we will begin to air this september. We are a daytime talk show with a very intelligent and compassionate host whose main goal is to help all those guests he brings on. Think Oprah, NOT Maury. (more like Jerry Springer, in my opinion)
Anyway, a potential episode we may be shooting is about reuniting donor egg children with their biological mothers. My producer ________ would like to talk to you in further detail on the best ways to go about this. Are their databases? Perusing online I found your blog and you seem to be a perfect candidate even to come onto the show as a potential expert because you seem to be very passionate about the subject. Please get back to me when you can, and if you would like to expedite the process you can email my producer ________ at _______________. Thank you very much.
Best, _____________ 


Initially I was very flattered to be asked to be an expert but after reading the email several times I became more and more offended.  DH advised me to wait a few days to respond, this way it would soak in and I could give a not so heated response.  When I did respond it was short and to the point.  I was curious if anyone else had gotten emails like this.  After I responded I asked Marna, founder of Parents via Egg Donation(PVED), if she had ever gotten emails like this.  She told me ALL the time!

What I have learned from this experience is always ask Marna.  Seriously, she has been so helpful to me as a Mother and in my blogging world.  Once I found PVED I started understand egg donation more and how my choice will affect Ant.  I know I want to be an advocate but I don't want to be "eggploited."

Egg Donation Disclosure: To tell or not to tell?

This weeks blog at Fertility Authority is about disclosing to your child.  Will you disclose?

Different Worlds

This past week I was visiting my family.  As I have mentioned many times my family is VERY fertile.  I often dread visiting them because of this.  After a great conversation with my mother about bonding (read more here) with Ant, I was starting to feel on the same page as my mother (for the first time in awhile).

The last morning we were at my parents' house my mother and I went for a walk.  I was telling her about my brother and how frustrated I am with him.  His wife is currently pregnant with their 2nd set of NATURAL twins (her 3rd set).  At times it is hard for me to be happy for them because I desire another child but I am unsure it that will ever happen.  I was telling my mom how I bit my tongue when my brother mentioned that they really didn't want more kids.  I knew he didn't mean it in that way but I know 2 more babies is going to put ALOT of extra stress on him and SIL.  I also revealed to my mother why I was really upset with them.  Out of anyone in our immediate family, they are the only ones who haven't gotten Ant a single gift.  I know money is tight but seriously all I am asking for is a little outfit or something?!?  Just to acknowledge that he exsists.  Dumb reason to be upset but I am.

My mother then said to me, "Susan we all come from different experiences.  They don't understand your infertility and you don't understand what SIL has been through."

As much as I hate to admit it but my mother is right (sssshhh don't tell my mom) :)

I guess the point I am trying to make is we all come from different life experiences and this is why I share my feeling so opening on this blog.  At times I have considered making my blog more private so my family couldn't read it.  To my surprise I found out my brother reads my blog.  I have a hard time talking to my brother about what is going on, so I am glad he is reading to get an idea of what is going on in my life.

At times I am harsh when talking about my family but this is my release.  This is my safe place to express my feelings.  Sometimes it is easier for me to write then to actually tell them how I am feeling.  As frustrating as it is to watch our fertile friends produce more and more children while we struggle but most likely they have their own story that we don't know about.  Knowing all their stories doesn't make my infertility easier, but it does give me an understanding that they have struggles also.

Which State Uses IVF the Most?

Via: Fertility Nation


It is interesting that the state I live in is #3.  Makes sense why people are so supportive.

Cycle #2

(TMI WARNING, If you are a man and don’t want to hear about Aunt Flow (AF) then don’t read this post)

Cycle #2 has come and gone already.  It was an almost 27 day cycle but AF was only 2 days long.  To top it off my cycle was only 2 days long and very light.  There was no heavy day and I think I used about 6 pads, if that.  I haven’t consulted with Dr. Google but I may. 

If I compare this AF to cycle #1 it was definitely lighter.  I have a few ideas why my cycle is so short:

1.  Since I am still breastfeeding so often my hormones aren't in full swing yet.
2.  I am going into full fledged Premature Ovarian Failure.

Part of me thinks this is the IFer in side of me just overreacting (most likely the case) but it is hard not worry.    

SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!

Tomorrow is my last day of work till August.  Since the school year started I have been counting down to this day and now it is upon me.  There is so much going on the next 2 months jury duty, family vacations, play dates, and maybe a little grad school.  I can't believe I am going to be able to do all of this in 2 months.

As I stood in my empty classroom today I found myself thinking about how things are different this year from last year.  Last year I left my classroom thinking I wasn't coming back.  I was convinced that I was going to be trying out a new career path.  Needless to say that didn't work out and I am still teaching.  In some ways I am glad this happened because over the last year I have rediscovered my love of teaching.  After 3 years of infertility it is refreshing to be living my life again.

I Can't Ignore the Signs

I am finding life before my first cycle, so much easier.  After we decided on using donor eggs, I also decided that I never wanted to use birth control ever again.  If on the off chance that I did have a good egg, I didn't want to miss it.  The last 2yrs have been bliss for me, no AF and not worrying about "trying" to get pregnant.

Granted, I am only in cycle #1 post Ant but I was hoping I could avoid worrying about it.  At this point it isn't working.  It is hard to miss egg white cervical mucus, at least for me. It was unlucky lucky for DH because I was ready to do some baby making. Today (for a second) I even considered calling my OB and getting on birth control.  The hormones are making me crazy or just the idea of TTC makes me crazy.

I thought at first I wouldn't think about TTC, since I know a 40 year old has a better chance of getting pregnant then I do.  But all the positive mumbo-jumbo that everyone spouts is getting to my head.

"Pregnancy heals you."
"#2 will be easier."
"You will be more relaxed"
ETC!!!!

I just really need to get out of my head!!! Maybe I should consider birth control? NOT!!!

How Life Has Changed

I meet my friend Lucy several years ago at a IF support group.  After several weeks of going to group Lucy, Wendy and I really hit it off.  One week group was canceled, so the 3 of us got together and had our own little group.  Just over 2 years go Wendy and I found out we were pregnant with our DE babies but Lucy's IUI ended up getting canceled :(  Wendy and I were bummed out that Lucy's cycle didn't work but we had hope she would join the preggo club soon.  Lucy did join us just a few months later.  The 3 of us enjoyed our 3 very different pregnancies.

I was thinking about this because yesterday we attended C's (Lucy's son) 1st birthday party.  To see the 4 boys playing together was surreal.  To think they didn't even exist 2 years ago.  Our lives are so blessed. It is fun to think, iff the 3 of us weren't infertile we would have NEVER met.  Infertility is hard but it can also create the best friendships.
 
 

To Track or Not to Track?

Well, I think Aunt Flow (AF) has reared her ugly head for the first time in almost 2 years.  In some ways I expected her to show up: my face started breaking out, I thought I had ovulation pains about 2 weeks ago, and today I was having heart palpitation(POF symptom).

Prior to these last two years I tracked EVERY cycle.  I know almost immediately if I didn't ovulate or if something was off in my cycle.   Part of me is ready to jump back on the cycle tracking wagon but there is another part of me that doesn't want to track my cycle.  My fear is if I track my cycle, I will "try" to conceive again.  In our dream world we want another child but I don't want to put myself through this again.  I am currently VERY happy with where I am right now.

Then I also want to call my DR and have them run all the baseline fertility test.  I want to know how my FSH is after two years off.

This next cycle is going to be interesting and I wonder what it is going to bring.  Will it be normal?  Will I ovulate?  Will I have other POF symptoms?

Forced to Live Child Free

When starting TTC the idea of living "child free" wasn't even on my radar.  Through my journey through infertility I have met many women.  Most of them reach their goal of becoming a mother but there are a few who chose were forced to live child fee.

Recently, one of my dear friends was put in this position.  Her TTC journey has come to an end and she is trying to cope with living child free.  On one hand I understand how she feels but I have a child.

Back Story:
Around the time I found out I was pregnant, she found out she was pregnant also.  We were so excited to have babies so close to each other.  It was just perfect.  Sadly her pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.  After a few FETs she finally got pregnant again.  We were so excited when she made it past the 12week mark but this pregnancy ended prematurely also :(

My friend and her DH saved up for one more IVF but before ER they found out her DH didn't have any moble sperm and this equaled the end for them.

I want to support my friend in her forced choice to live child free but I don't know how to help.  For someone who loves to help, I am at a loss. 

Suggestions?  How would you help your friend deal with being forced to live child free?
 

"Being Young Means You Don't Have to Worry About Infertility"

Before we even started TTC conceive, I had people telling me no need to rush you are still young.  I was 24 when we first started TTC.  So, you would assume that it would have been easy and by now we would have 2+ kids. 

I think back to my college days when the signs of my possible infertility starting showing up.  I believe I was a Junior in college and I started having irregular cycles.  My mother told me it was stress and my OB's solution was to try progesterone to see if that helped.  The first few cycles after the progesterone were fine but then my cycles got all wonky again.  I opted to go on birth control to normalize my cycle.  My OB never did any test to figure out why my cycle was off.  If I knew then what I know now I would have asked for more test.

Fast forward several years later, I am married and we had been TTC for over a year.  I made an appointment to see my OB to get a referral to see the RE and talk to her about my cycle because I was having the wonky cycles again.  Her solution was to give me a pregnancy test and proceed to tell me how she got a previous couple pregnant in 1 month.  She was NO help and actually destroyed me mentally.  I knew I wasn't pregnant and she didn't listen to my concerns. 

During our whole time of TTC I can't count how many time we were told that "your were still young" and "don't worry."  All of that stopped the day we got my day 3 blood work back.  It went from "you are young" to
"It is to late." 
"Your FSH is high."
"You need "donor egg."

To all the young ladies out there who have off cycles.  Don't let your OB/DR tell you nothing is wrong.  Have them figure out the cause of your wonky cycles.  Don't wait till you are TTC because then it might be to late.  Be your own advocate.

This blog was written for National Infertility Awareness Week.  If you would like more information about infertility just click on the link.

A Little Jealous

Recently, I have been experiencing a little bit of jealousy. I have a several friends who were considering DE as their next step and on their last shot with their own eggs it worked! I am truly happy for them but there is a part of me that wonders if I had done one more cycle with my eggs if it had worked. This is silly for me to think of because now that Ant is here I wouldn't ever trade him for a genetic child. As, I have said before he is the child I was meant to have.

I must remember for as many friends who have succeed I know many more who haven't. Instead of wishing for something that for something that didn't happen I need to stay focused on our amazing blessing.

Also, I just wanted to send out a warning for my blog readers. I am going to be focusing on motherhood blogs for awhile. As much as I identify and understand IF I want to talk about motherhood more at this moment. For up coming blogs I am going to talk about babywearing, breastfeeding(of course), and just general life as a mother.

The Infertile Next Door

The past 6 months I have been sitting in my Breastfeeding support group thinking most of these women are the fertile people I longed to be. The longer I attend this group the more I learn about each of them. After about a month I learned one of the women has PCOS and after she changed her diet and added exercise she got pregnant with her daughter after about 4+ years of TTC. This was the first of many discoveries, that I wasn't the only IFer sitting in the room.

A few weeks ago Ant and I apeared in a local news cast and I shared it with the group. I am proud of my IF journey because it has brought me the best joy in my life. I don't want to hide how that came about.

While we were getting ready to leave support group one of the mother's started talking about how she was surprised Ant was conceived through DE because he looks so much like me (I smiled). This conversation sparked her talking about her IVF. Then several of the other mothers talked about the same thing. Out of the 6 mothers there including myself 5 of us has been through IVF. I honestly think the other mother felt a little weird being the only one who conceived naturally. The funniest thing is I have been talking with many of these women for months and just now we started sharing our IF stories.

What this tells us is that more of us are suffering from IF then we really know. Why are we afraid? We didn't choose IF it choose us. Some of us conquer it and some of us don't but those of us who live it are changed. Take some time this week to discover your infertile friend next door. He or she might need you as much as you need them.

IF/BF How it Changed Me

I don't think I have a hard life but there have been some definite challenges in my life. The obvious challenge of TTC and my most recent challenge was breastfeeding. For many people these are both easy things but for me I like to say I have to do things the hard way or I just want to be an expert on both topics.

My challenges through TTC have made me an expert on how the reproductive system works. When I here people talking about it I instantly want to jump in. It still amazes me how little most women know about reproduction (I was one of them). I knew there was a fertile time but I only had an idea when that happened. Some people have no clue or aren't even trying and they end up pregnant (this fact amazes me). Once you learn the ins and outs of TTC it is amazing how people actually get pregnant.

As for Breastfeeding, I don't know if I thought it was going to be be easy but I definitely didn't think it would be as hard as it was for Ant and myself. At times I was sure I was going to give it up. What helped me survive was the mini victories. Our first victory was actually starting to nurse again and each progressive victory till he was nursing full-time.
We had lots of bumps in the road: supply issues, duct issues, latch issues, pain issues, etc. You name it, it probably happened to me.

Through these challenges it has made me appreciate both Ant and breastfeeding more then i could ever imagine. When realized I was going to have to go back to work I was heart broken but I knew it was what I had to do. When my schedule threatened to prevent me from pumping, I made sure to voice my opinions and my rights as a breastfeeding mother. I worked way to hard and way to long to give up breastfeeding now.

The funny thing is these two challenges have balanced me. Breastfeeding Ant makes me not long for another child ( I still want one) but I am willing to wait. My battle through IF made it so I had the confidence to battle through the ups and downs of breastfeeding. These two challenges have made me more confident in my opinions and more willing to speak up for myself and my rights. The shy innocent girl who started TTC over 4 years ago is such a distant memory. Even the heart broken women dreaming of a baby seems so far away. I never thought I could put my IF behind me but at time I find it hard to remember how I felt.

At time I fear forgetting the pain because I always want to be able to relate my IF friends who are still struggling but for now it is a welcome relief. For the moment I can live my life and not think about what could have been. I am living the life I was meant to have.

Crippled by Infertility

While you are living your infertility nightmare you don't always realize how crippling it is. Now that I am finally coming out of the fog it is astounding to me how much it changed me!

As I am preparing for my 7th year as the music teacher at my school, I am reflecting on previous years and how I have changed as a teacher. What motivated me, what didn't, favorite lessons, and co-workers. I knew IF had affected my teaching but WOW. When I enter the school building for the first time this year I had a huge smile on my face. There were no worries about when I was going to become pregnant or how I was going to survive being pregnant. It was like the me before IF was peaking out again. This strange person popped her head out again at the "Music Teacher Meeting" on Tuesday, for the first time in 4plus years I was inspired by something and wanted to take it back to my classroom. I could also look at the pregnant music teachers and not be jealous (DOUBLE WOW!).

As the fog lifts I am feel the optimistic person I once was re-apear but she isn't exactly the same. This new person has confidence and is more willing to try new things. She also doesn't like to be walked all over and likes to speak her mind. Who is this person?

I wonder is this from the IF or from motherhood?

Who know but for the first time in years I am excited to teach, excited for new things, and I am not crippled by my IF! It is such a feeing feeling to not be held down anymore. I am still infertile but I have emeraged from the other end of the fog. Ant we gave you life and helped me get my life back from infertility.

Who does he look like?

The answer to that question is he looks like Ant. He looks like the person he is suppose to look like. All that put aside I think he looks like DH and my FIL. When the IL's came to visit FIL brought pictures of everyone as babies. As of right now he looks most like my FIL's baby picture. When my parents were up visiting they also talked about how much he looked like FIL. I guess I am grateful for this because the family resemblance is so obvious.

Yesterday, I went to get my once a month waxing and my way over do hair cut. It felt great to have some me time. The lovely lady who has been waxing my bows for years knows alot of my conception story. Soo...to my surprise she asked me, "who does he look like?"

In my head, "Duh DH!" I answered out loud, "DH."

She looks at him harder and says, "I think he has your nose."

Maybe Ant has my nose but I think it would be pure luck. One thing for sure he does have my pout. I have already told you how cute that is.

Why must everyone figure out who he looks like? Why can't we just leave as he looks like himself?

What I was surprised by was how it really didn't upset me. I have come to accept my IF is a sore spot, even now with the cutest son one could hope for. Even though my IF is a sore spot, how my son was conceived is not. DE was the way we had to go to create our family or at least start it. I am not ashamed of this fact nor do I hide it. I have come to terms with the fact Ant won't look like me but I am so very grateful that he looks like his dad. Especially since he has the cutest dad in the whole world.

I told you there were the cutest ever!!!

Back to the Boob

After weeks of pumping, bottle feeding and occasional BFing. I finally am motivated to go back to full-time breast feeding. While I am pumping I miss quality time with Ant and I am missing that bonding time with him. So, I sucked it up and FINALLY called the lactation consultant (LC)yesterday.

Calling the LC was exactly what I needed. It took her awhile to respond but I finally got an email around 5pm yesterday. She said she was happy to consult with me but also told me about her FREE BFing support group that met that day at 6:30pm. At first I wasn't going to go to the support group but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to go.

At support group there were 3 other mothers there, usually there are more but due to March having 5 Weds the schedule was off. During support group we discussed birth stories and BFing issues. When I told my story about how I didn't get to BF for 24hrs the LC was appalled that they wouldn't let me BF sooner. Of course I continued with to story about how we ended up pumping full-time. I felt so out of place in this group because all 3 of them were BFing and I was pumping. I also felt those same pains of jealousy that I felt when someone else was pregnant. Why was BFing so hard for me? The whys were over powering me. To my surprise all 3 were very supportive and a little jealous that I already had 5oz of breast milk frozen in my fridge.

By the end of the support group it was time for Ant to eat. Silly mommy didn't bring a bottle because support group was only suppose to last an hour and we should have been fine. I figure well I guess I better BF him now since I had no other way to feed him. It was amazing he latched right on with the coaching of the LC. After he ate we weighted him again and he had eating 1oz. It was such an amazing feeling to be successful. We decided to give the other side a try and he latched on pretty good. By the end of BFing he had eating about 2oz of breast milk. YAHOOO!!! It is really nice having the scale there so you know exactly how much they have had. Also the other good news is that when we first weighted Ant he was 7lbs 14oz. He has gained another 4oz since Monday!

I learned so much at the support group yesterday and I look forward to the next one. I left feeling confident in my abilities to feed my son.

As for last night, it wasn't as easy as it was in support group to BF. I felt those feeling of failure brewing up inside as Ant struggled to latch. The Ped just has me so concerned about his weight that no matter how great a feeding goes I still wonder if he got enough to continue gaining weight. To ease my fears for a few days I think we are going to continue to bottle feed a few feedings a day. I just need that visual reassurance that he is getting enough. Also I think I am going to still schedule a private consult with the LC. I think both Ant and I could use another boost in our self confidence when it comes to BFing.

Holiday Reflection

With the holiday season being in full swing I have been thinking a lot about last year and where I was. When I was living in the IF world the holidays were the hardest time of the year, except maybe a BFN after an IVF. The reason the holidays are so hard is because you are surrounded by friends and family.

Last year at this time DH and I were preparing for what was our last IVF cycle with my eggs. I had spent the last year almost changing my life and my diet to make my eggs the best they could be. We both had high hopes for our last IVF. In the middle of all those high hopes there were fears and disappointments of not being able to conceive.

We also traveled to the southwest to see our families. During this trip we spent several days at my parents other house out in the middle of nowhere. I was very nervous about this because I was in the middle of IVF prep, my sister had just had her brand new baby, my brother’s twins and my SIL talking about wanting more babies. It was sooo hard to keep my sanity in check and be a happy sociable person. The way I survived was reading the “Twilight” series. DH would have said I wasn’t surviving; it was more like hiding and avoiding.

DH’s family wasn’t nearly as hard for me to see because hardly anyone was talking baby. The only baby talk going on was from us and DH’s cousin who was due in July after dealing with her own IF issues. It made it easier for me to deal with because she knew how I was feeling and when we were hanging around with their family only once did someone mention the new baby on the way. It was surprising to me because it was DH’s Aunt and Uncle’s first grandchild. I am so grateful to them to this day for that evening of baby free conversation and was one of the easiest evenings of the holiday season.

Still to this day it amazes me the differences between our two families. They are both supportive in their own way and it works but I have to say I preferred DH’s families’ approach of lets not talk about it unless she brings it up.

Thanksgiving this year was just a peak into my new world and I LOVE it. I got to see DH’s cousin’s baby girl and she was just adorable. We all talked about little Ant, about how he was created, and he soon arrival. My IL’s also have a count down in their house to his EDD. It made me nervous to look at it, not because of my IF, but because how soon it is.

These same changes I see everywhere in my daily life. It is amazing how carrying a life can change your life. How I can finally say next year Ant will be with us. Next year will be Ant’s first Christmas. This year I actually get to celebrate all the things we have been waiting for.