Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Photo

Am I a cynic?

Lately I have been finding myself error on the side of caution when people ask me if we are having a second child.  I used to tell them, “hopefully!”  Now I find myself saying , “Ant will most likely be an only child.”  Why am I changing my tune?

The eternal optimist in me wants to say we will have a second but the realist that I have become realizes it is a long shot.  I believe these changes have to do with the fact, that now we have Ant.  As much as I want a second, I don’t want to risk his well being on another.  It would be between another 15K- 30K+ for #2 if the FET doesn’t work.  This is the downside to DE.  If my eggs were good my insurance would cover the procedure but that isn’t the case for us. 

Recently I was talking with DH about our little totsicle.   I told him I was considering just donating our little totsicle to someone else and just be happy with Ant.  My thinking was that if we went through we the FET (in a couple years) and it didn’t work then my desire for #2 would be greater.  If we just donated our little totsicle now we could just live our lives as they are now, with Ant.  Unfortunately/Fortunately DH disagrees and wants to do the FET (whenever I am ready).

My fear is if we do the FET it will make me depressed and unhappy with what I already have.  I LOVE Ant and I would love to share that love with another child.  Do I want to risk my happiness on the possibility on even more happiness?  Is it worth the possible heartache?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

To Track or Not to Track?

Well, I think Aunt Flow (AF) has reared her ugly head for the first time in almost 2 years.  In some ways I expected her to show up: my face started breaking out, I thought I had ovulation pains about 2 weeks ago, and today I was having heart palpitation(POF symptom).

Prior to these last two years I tracked EVERY cycle.  I know almost immediately if I didn't ovulate or if something was off in my cycle.   Part of me is ready to jump back on the cycle tracking wagon but there is another part of me that doesn't want to track my cycle.  My fear is if I track my cycle, I will "try" to conceive again.  In our dream world we want another child but I don't want to put myself through this again.  I am currently VERY happy with where I am right now.

Then I also want to call my DR and have them run all the baseline fertility test.  I want to know how my FSH is after two years off.

This next cycle is going to be interesting and I wonder what it is going to bring.  Will it be normal?  Will I ovulate?  Will I have other POF symptoms?

Monday, May 16, 2011

The Secret is Out!

My secret is I am the newest blogger for Fertility Authority!!! My blog's title is Donor Diva: Let's Talk Egg Donation and my first post goes up tomorrow!!!  I am so excited!!  I will post a direct link tomorrow...please come share your support.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Forced to Live Child Free

When starting TTC the idea of living "child free" wasn't even on my radar.  Through my journey through infertility I have met many women.  Most of them reach their goal of becoming a mother but there are a few who chose were forced to live child fee.

Recently, one of my dear friends was put in this position.  Her TTC journey has come to an end and she is trying to cope with living child free.  On one hand I understand how she feels but I have a child.

Back Story:
Around the time I found out I was pregnant, she found out she was pregnant also.  We were so excited to have babies so close to each other.  It was just perfect.  Sadly her pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.  After a few FETs she finally got pregnant again.  We were so excited when she made it past the 12week mark but this pregnancy ended prematurely also :(

My friend and her DH saved up for one more IVF but before ER they found out her DH didn't have any moble sperm and this equaled the end for them.

I want to support my friend in her forced choice to live child free but I don't know how to help.  For someone who loves to help, I am at a loss. 

Suggestions?  How would you help your friend deal with being forced to live child free?

Friday, May 13, 2011

Photo Friday

Sorry I have been MIA, I will admit work got the best of me the last couple weeks.  One more day of "HELL" week and then life gets back to normal.  There have also been some very exciting things going on in the background.  I really want to share them but will wait till it is a done deal.

So, my 365 project is a is time to modify my goal, instead of daily I am sharing weekly pics.   Enjoy this weeks Friday Photo.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

There when times in my journey to motherhood when I had no hope but now I get to see this smiling face everyday. Thank you for bringing so much joy into my life Ant. Thank you to our donor for giving us the greatest gift ever, the egg that created Ant.
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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Goodbye Pump!

It is official, I am "hanging up the horns!"
I pumped for 14 months and 4 days!

I am happy to say that I have transitioned away from pumping at work.  It is very sad but exciting at the same time.  Ant is still nursing when we are together and I am wondering how my body will do during the weekend. 

If you asked me a year ago if I would have made it this long I would have most likely told you, "NO!" We conquered our breastfeeding challenges and it was worth every tear, every lost hour of sleep, and every pumping session.