"#2 Will Be Easier"

Even though it is a commonly known fact that Ant is a DE child people still tell me "the second will come easier."

I have to say this comment is really starting to annoy me.  We want to have another child more than anything, but it all comes down to money.  It is depressing to me to say this out loud.  If we want to expand our family we have to scrimp and save our money for the next ___ years.  

Over the last month or so this inner dialog of wanting another child has gotten louder.  Maybe it is that my breastfeeding friends ask me if I want another one...then I remind them about the DE and they suddenly don't know what to say.  In July we will have to pay the storage fee on little totsicle again.  How much longer do we want to wait before we transfer?

I'm also thinking about my breastfeeding, since I have to stop to go through a FET.  I know many people turn their noses at people breastfeeding past a year, but I will proudly say I hope to breastfeed Ant for at least 2 years (and we may nurse longer.)  So, at this moment it looks like #2 is still a long way away.

Awhile ago I talked about how I was the infertile in a very fertile world.  This was prompted by the announcement of my younger sister being pregnant with her second and my SIL being pregnant with her 3rd set of NATURAL TWINS (yes, you read that right).  At times it is hard being a member of my immediate family-they just don't seem to understand what DH and I have been going through and are still going through.  Also, hearing all this news of more babies makes my desire for another stronger.  

For now I am content with Ant and our breastfeeding goals.  In time I will know the answers to all these questions.  Till then I will do my best to enjoy life to its fullest and enjoy every moment with Ant.

Jealousy

Sometimes I feel so stupid feeling this way but I am going to come out of the closet and admit something to myself and all my readers, “I am jealous.” I am jealous of my friends who can have biological children. I am jealous of women who can get pregnant without assistance.

This jealousy has seemed to always have been there since we found out DE was our only option but I didn’t realize how jealous I was until very recently. As we sat at the dinner table at Thanksgiving DH’s family start discussing who his cousin’s daughter looked like. For a normal mother this wouldn’t be a big deal but it made me jealous. I was thinking of next Thanksgiving with Ant. In my imagination we are sitting at the table and discussing who he looked like and how I might not enter the conversation. Maybe if I am lucky he might look like me or someone in my family but I will know differently.

Lately, I have been having these daydreams of a little girl who looks like me. This little girl is the daughter that I have always dreamed of having. The little girl that the RN at my REs office said we deserved. The child of my dreams is a little girl with brown eyes, brown hair, my smile, and with a little of DH mixed in there. Why now at 27weeks am I having such a hard time with this?

I am just so jealous. Please don’t take this the wrong way because I love Ant and I wouldn’t change the way he is coming to us but I am having a hard time shaking these feelings. I pray these feelings disappear once I hold our son in my arms for the first time. The last thing I want is my insecurities to affect him. I guess it is better to deal with these emotions now then once Ant is here.

Holiday Reflection

With the holiday season being in full swing I have been thinking a lot about last year and where I was. When I was living in the IF world the holidays were the hardest time of the year, except maybe a BFN after an IVF. The reason the holidays are so hard is because you are surrounded by friends and family.

Last year at this time DH and I were preparing for what was our last IVF cycle with my eggs. I had spent the last year almost changing my life and my diet to make my eggs the best they could be. We both had high hopes for our last IVF. In the middle of all those high hopes there were fears and disappointments of not being able to conceive.

We also traveled to the southwest to see our families. During this trip we spent several days at my parents other house out in the middle of nowhere. I was very nervous about this because I was in the middle of IVF prep, my sister had just had her brand new baby, my brother’s twins and my SIL talking about wanting more babies. It was sooo hard to keep my sanity in check and be a happy sociable person. The way I survived was reading the “Twilight” series. DH would have said I wasn’t surviving; it was more like hiding and avoiding.

DH’s family wasn’t nearly as hard for me to see because hardly anyone was talking baby. The only baby talk going on was from us and DH’s cousin who was due in July after dealing with her own IF issues. It made it easier for me to deal with because she knew how I was feeling and when we were hanging around with their family only once did someone mention the new baby on the way. It was surprising to me because it was DH’s Aunt and Uncle’s first grandchild. I am so grateful to them to this day for that evening of baby free conversation and was one of the easiest evenings of the holiday season.

Still to this day it amazes me the differences between our two families. They are both supportive in their own way and it works but I have to say I preferred DH’s families’ approach of lets not talk about it unless she brings it up.

Thanksgiving this year was just a peak into my new world and I LOVE it. I got to see DH’s cousin’s baby girl and she was just adorable. We all talked about little Ant, about how he was created, and he soon arrival. My IL’s also have a count down in their house to his EDD. It made me nervous to look at it, not because of my IF, but because how soon it is.

These same changes I see everywhere in my daily life. It is amazing how carrying a life can change your life. How I can finally say next year Ant will be with us. Next year will be Ant’s first Christmas. This year I actually get to celebrate all the things we have been waiting for.