A Different Rollercoaster Ride

As a "IFer" I will never forget the IF rollercoaster went through to get our son. I knew that motherhood would be no piece cake but I didn't realize what a rollercoaster it would be. From the day Ant enter the world it began from the NICU to BFing. I am absolutely amazed with my determination. There have been many times when I was seriously considering giving up BFing and pumping. Sometimes I think it would be much easier to just mix the formula and stick a bottle in his mouth. Yes, it is easier but there are moments that I would miss out on.


Now that we are getting closer to being back on the breast the rewards are greater. As you already know we have good days and bad days but the good days out weigh the bad. It was completely amazing to me how rejuvenating 1 good feeding is. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of bad feeding after bad feeding then last night at our late night feeding Ant latched right on and nursed. It went from tears of frustration to tears of joy.

Now not everything is perfect because when I weighed Ant this morning he lost an ounce but I think in the long term battle of weight and BFing we are making leaps and bonds in the right direction.

I realize now that my IF has given me the strength and determination to win the battle of BFing. We are going to do it even if it takes us till he is 3months old and I am going back to work. We will win!

Bonding and Healing

Thank you everyone for all your support. Yes, I am doing better but I still have my moments. The last couple days I have been enjoying getting out of the house and some of these trips were solo. These trips have been liberating and making me feel more like me again. Also, after one of these trips I realized I missed Ant and I wanted to be close to him. This feeling made me feel so much better. As my friends have told me, I fall more in love with him EVERYDAY!

The last couple days I have been having feelings of jealousy again. Several months I ago I was talking with my friend Lucy. We were discussing our IF wounds and how long it would take for them to heal. I was telling her I felt like my wound was healing and that I thought my son would fill it. Yes, Ant does help the wound but I am still not completely over the lose of my fertility. I am starting to think I will never completely get over the lose.

I find these feelings are brought on by family and friends getting pregnant all around me still. These feelings have resurfaced since the birth of Ant. I think it has to do with the fact that I am not pregnant anymore and as tough as the last month was I enjoyed feeling Ant grow. I also know exactly what I would have to do to have another child and it won't be easy emotional or financially. I guess as my friend Lucy says, "My IF will always be with me."