Forced to Live Child Free

When starting TTC the idea of living "child free" wasn't even on my radar.  Through my journey through infertility I have met many women.  Most of them reach their goal of becoming a mother but there are a few who chose were forced to live child fee.

Recently, one of my dear friends was put in this position.  Her TTC journey has come to an end and she is trying to cope with living child free.  On one hand I understand how she feels but I have a child.

Back Story:
Around the time I found out I was pregnant, she found out she was pregnant also.  We were so excited to have babies so close to each other.  It was just perfect.  Sadly her pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.  After a few FETs she finally got pregnant again.  We were so excited when she made it past the 12week mark but this pregnancy ended prematurely also :(

My friend and her DH saved up for one more IVF but before ER they found out her DH didn't have any moble sperm and this equaled the end for them.

I want to support my friend in her forced choice to live child free but I don't know how to help.  For someone who loves to help, I am at a loss. 

Suggestions?  How would you help your friend deal with being forced to live child free?
 

I chose to be childless for 3 years?

One of my dear friends sent me the link to this article in the New York Times. It is written by a women who underwent IF treatments but after failed IVF decided to live a childless life. This article intrigued me since I know some way and some how I wanted to be a parent. I have found the danger of writing a article about IF for the general public is you have people who don't understand IF respond. Here is one comment that hit me hard.

"It is interesting to me that most women who are infertile speak of their childless state as though it is something out of their control. They need to be honest and admit that being childless is their choice. There are literally millions of children out there who need good homes. If your goals are family and motherhood, why is adoption given such short shrift? Why not just be honest and admit that family and parenting aren’t your goals, but rather genetic preservation or perhaps just the state of being pregnant? While Ms. Little cursorily addresses adoption by demeaning those who have suggested it to her and tries to save face by praising those who do adopt, it doesn’t seem to me that she has honestly examined her motives for not wanting to consider adoption."— ML

My problem with her comment is that she is saying that I was choosing to be childless. Obviously, she has never dealt with IF because no one chooses IF. Yes, I choose not to adopt but that was because I wanted to experience the joy of being pregnant and feeling my child grow inside of me. Also as a mother to be of a donor egg baby genetics aren't the most important thing to me. Yes, I dreamed of having my own biological child but I came to a point where it was more important to be pregnant and carry my child then biology. Other IF couples who adopt come to the same conclusion but decided it is more important to parent then have a biological child.

I think infertilies who decide not to adopt are misunderstood. Adoption isn't for everyone and is a long expensive process. I know several people who adopted children and they understand that it is a choice. Adoption isn't a guaranteed thing, I have heard many stories from couples who went through failed adoptions. If this couple went through IF treatments they have already been through lots of disappointment. They just might be to vulnerable to go through that disappointment again. I guess my point here is "just adopt" is never an appropriate answer to IF.

People who didn't live through IF won't ever completely understand the pain and disappointment it causes. IF has changed my life and has changed many of my views. Looking back on my 3 year journey to my baby, I wouldn't go back and change much. I just hope other can learn from my struggles.

PS. To my fertile friends, don't worry I still love you and I know you understand my struggles to the best of your ability. Thank you for your support during my journey. I was lucky to have understanding friends and I count my blessings daily.