Sometimes I feel so stupid feeling this way but I am going to come out of the closet and admit something to myself and all my readers, “I am jealous.” I am jealous of my friends who can have biological children. I am jealous of women who can get pregnant without assistance.
This jealousy has seemed to always have been there since we found out DE was our only option but I didn’t realize how jealous I was until very recently. As we sat at the dinner table at Thanksgiving DH’s family start discussing who his cousin’s daughter looked like. For a normal mother this wouldn’t be a big deal but it made me jealous. I was thinking of next Thanksgiving with Ant. In my imagination we are sitting at the table and discussing who he looked like and how I might not enter the conversation. Maybe if I am lucky he might look like me or someone in my family but I will know differently.
Lately, I have been having these daydreams of a little girl who looks like me. This little girl is the daughter that I have always dreamed of having. The little girl that the RN at my REs office said we deserved. The child of my dreams is a little girl with brown eyes, brown hair, my smile, and with a little of DH mixed in there. Why now at 27weeks am I having such a hard time with this?
I am just so jealous. Please don’t take this the wrong way because I love Ant and I wouldn’t change the way he is coming to us but I am having a hard time shaking these feelings. I pray these feelings disappear once I hold our son in my arms for the first time. The last thing I want is my insecurities to affect him. I guess it is better to deal with these emotions now then once Ant is here.