Friday, September 11, 2009

I chose to be childless for 3 years?

One of my dear friends sent me the link to this article in the New York Times. It is written by a women who underwent IF treatments but after failed IVF decided to live a childless life. This article intrigued me since I know some way and some how I wanted to be a parent. I have found the danger of writing a article about IF for the general public is you have people who don't understand IF respond. Here is one comment that hit me hard.

"It is interesting to me that most women who are infertile speak of their childless state as though it is something out of their control. They need to be honest and admit that being childless is their choice. There are literally millions of children out there who need good homes. If your goals are family and motherhood, why is adoption given such short shrift? Why not just be honest and admit that family and parenting aren’t your goals, but rather genetic preservation or perhaps just the state of being pregnant? While Ms. Little cursorily addresses adoption by demeaning those who have suggested it to her and tries to save face by praising those who do adopt, it doesn’t seem to me that she has honestly examined her motives for not wanting to consider adoption."— ML

My problem with her comment is that she is saying that I was choosing to be childless. Obviously, she has never dealt with IF because no one chooses IF. Yes, I choose not to adopt but that was because I wanted to experience the joy of being pregnant and feeling my child grow inside of me. Also as a mother to be of a donor egg baby genetics aren't the most important thing to me. Yes, I dreamed of having my own biological child but I came to a point where it was more important to be pregnant and carry my child then biology. Other IF couples who adopt come to the same conclusion but decided it is more important to parent then have a biological child.

I think infertilies who decide not to adopt are misunderstood. Adoption isn't for everyone and is a long expensive process. I know several people who adopted children and they understand that it is a choice. Adoption isn't a guaranteed thing, I have heard many stories from couples who went through failed adoptions. If this couple went through IF treatments they have already been through lots of disappointment. They just might be to vulnerable to go through that disappointment again. I guess my point here is "just adopt" is never an appropriate answer to IF.

People who didn't live through IF won't ever completely understand the pain and disappointment it causes. IF has changed my life and has changed many of my views. Looking back on my 3 year journey to my baby, I wouldn't go back and change much. I just hope other can learn from my struggles.

PS. To my fertile friends, don't worry I still love you and I know you understand my struggles to the best of your ability. Thank you for your support during my journey. I was lucky to have understanding friends and I count my blessings daily.


  1. Wow.

    I don't know what else to say about the comment on that article. It's so offensive.

  2. I think, too, that most people going through IF think that it will be a much shorter process.

    If someone had told you at the beginning: "you absolutely will not get pregnant for three years," then it would have meant a different decision-making process. You might have chosen to pursue adoption instead. But, you couldn't have known that the first (and second, and third, and fourth) things you tried wouldn't work. Every person keeps thinking and hoping that the next one will work. You could have chosen a somewhat more certain path (since most adoptions do go through within a faster timeframe), but you were hoping that your attempts to get pregnant would work more quickly than they did.

    Choosing to hope is definitely different from choosing to wait.

  3. You really couldn't have hit the nail on the head more perfectly. People think that adoption is as simple as calling an agency and saying "Hey, I want a kid." Little do people realize the cost, time, effort and potential disappointment that may ensue. As my grandfather once said so lovingly to me and DH, "Well babe, why don't you quit these treatments and just adopt a baby. You'll have an end result much quicker and shouldn't be that expensive."

    'Well, gramps.... It's truly not that easy."

    I know MANY couples who have had potential adoptions pulled out from under them just weeks before the baby being born or within weeks after the baby was born. What a devestating process.

    Thank you for your blog. :)