Monday, March 1, 2010

Breaking Heart

Today was the big day. I was getting discharge from the hospital and I thought Ant would too. There was even a rumor going around that he was coming home too. The rumor was wrong and when the Dr. told me Ant wasn't coming home with me I couldn't control my tears.

Let's back up now and I will tell you how we got to this point. As you remember from the birth story that Ant was hypo glycemic due to my GD. Also, when they pulled him out the figured out why he was having such a hard time during contractions. His cord was right up by his neck and he was facing straight up. Due to his position he also had some bruising on his face.

It was really hard for me to be away from him those first 24hrs but I knew I needed to heal. One thing I did do was I started pumping from the time I got to my room. I also woke up every 3 hrs to pump even though I probably could have used the sleep. The next morning I got to see Ant for the first time. They were testing his blood sugars constantly and over the night they had to put him on a glucose drip.

By the end of the day he was off the glucose drip and on Saturday his blood sugars were completely stable. There were even rumors then that he would be discharged from the NICU to the nursery on Sunday. Well it never happened because his biliruben(sp?) was high. They put him under the bili lights.

By this point he was breastfeeding REALLY well. It is actually a funny story because I was about to the point of giving up and then all of a sudden I started getting milk from the pump . Also Ant started latching really well. Now I don't mind because I get a decent amount of milk.

Now what happened today, in the morning I went over to feed him as normal and after I returned to my room the rumors started that Ant was coming home. It wasn't just my RN but also the Midwife. I don't blame either of them because they did tell me it was just a rumor but I was just sooo hopeful. At his noon feeding the Dr had finally gotten to Ant and was looking over his chart. I could just see it in his face from the very beginning that he wasn't happy with Ant's number. So he said to me that he isn't going home today and it might be a few more days :(

I was dreading this moment and before he even told me I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I got myself half together and left the NICU. On my way back to my room tons of people were staring at my swollen red tear soaked face. All I wanted was the safety of my room. When I finally got there DH was waiting and he could tell immediately what had happened. He did all he could do to comfort me but there was no comfort. The only comfort that would sooth my pain was the knowledge that my son was coming home and no one could tell me that.

After lots of tears I pulled myself together and started planning on how we would do this. At this moment the plan is to stay till Ant's late 9 or 10pm feeding and then go home to sleep. We will return early tomorrow morning, missing maybe 2 feedings. While I am away I will continue pumping. The hospital is lending me a pump so I have plenty of milk for him.

Through this whole experience I wonder why? Why is this happening? Why us? Haven't we been through enough already? You would think 3 years of IF would prepare us for something like this today but this is almost as painful as a BFN but the difference is I know my son will be coming home soon. While a BFN means the end of that cycle and who knows if you will ever get your BFP.

Thank you everyone for you love and support.


  1. I'm praying for you Susan...I know Ant will be good and strong soon. I know that NOTHING can prepare you for hearing that something isn't right with your baby...and I'm sorry that you're going through with this now. Take care...keep reading God's promises to well.
    Alyson Jacobson

  2. Re: the pumping

    If it makes you feel better, you really shouldn't have been able to get much milk those first few times. Even Ant wouldn't have gotten much if he had been drinking straight from you. There just isn't much at first. So, you're doing really fantastically. :)

    For some people, pumping while away from the baby makes you feel like you're accomplishing something. Like, "I wish I could hold him in person, but since I can't, this is the best thing I can do to help." For other people, it's just a sad reminder of the separation. Try to stay positive - maybe even let yourself brag a little that you managed to pump milk so fast, you crazy milk-maker! - and get what rest you can.

    If you need any food, please let us know. I love making (or even just buying) food for people. I don't know how much you'll need at home, since you're travelling back and forth to the hospital for now, but we could even pack you some sandwiches or something.

  3. I am so sorry. Let's hope he can come home soon.

  4. Hey Girlie! I nominated you for an award over on my blog! Stop by and check it out

  5. Praying that he will be home with you soon.

  6. oh susan, i am so sorry he wasn't able to come home with you!!! i know that must have been devastating. you sound like you are doing GREAT with the breastfeeding already, though, which is so awesome! he's going to get nice and strong and come home very soon, i just know it. you and doug are great parents already. as everyone knew you would be!

  7. Thinking of you all! Keep up the pumping and Any will be home in no time! Hugs!!!