Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bonding and Healing


Thank you everyone for all your support. Yes, I am doing better but I still have my moments. The last couple days I have been enjoying getting out of the house and some of these trips were solo. These trips have been liberating and making me feel more like me again. Also, after one of these trips I realized I missed Ant and I wanted to be close to him. This feeling made me feel so much better. As my friends have told me, I fall more in love with him EVERYDAY!

The last couple days I have been having feelings of jealousy again. Several months I ago I was talking with my friend Lucy. We were discussing our IF wounds and how long it would take for them to heal. I was telling her I felt like my wound was healing and that I thought my son would fill it. Yes, Ant does help the wound but I am still not completely over the lose of my fertility. I am starting to think I will never completely get over the lose.

I find these feelings are brought on by family and friends getting pregnant all around me still. These feelings have resurfaced since the birth of Ant. I think it has to do with the fact that I am not pregnant anymore and as tough as the last month was I enjoyed feeling Ant grow. I also know exactly what I would have to do to have another child and it won't be easy emotional or financially. I guess as my friend Lucy says, "My IF will always be with me."

14 comments:

  1. While my IF issues and situation was a bit different than yours, I know completely what you mean. I don't know if this will help but I have still have my moments. For example my 22 year old niece is pregnant with her second child and it took her and hubby no trying at all to get this second miracle. Also, my sister told me this week that her and her husband might be adopting a little girl and even that brought back my old feelings of IF. Most days it does get better, especially when I can enjoy my daughter. Ant will help the feelings, but I think after you have gone through everything you did to get pregnant it will always be with you. On the bright side you have a beautiful healthy baby boy, and a wonderful support system in place so that will help some days too. Love you! Sending you big hugs!

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  2. I'm sorry I should probably add that the moments are few and far between as I get further away from that time in my life. Brianna just turned 2 and it such an amazing journey with her that it helps more and more every day.

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  3. Hi Susan!
    I'm brand new to your blog. I found it while researching DE, as my RE says that's likely our only chance at a family. My DH and I are still trying to decide on the best course of action. I'm so so sorry that you are feeling so down after the birth of your son. If you don't mind this newbie asking, given your feelings, would you change anything about your DE experience? By all means, ignore me if this is much too personal. I will not be offended.
    Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings. I think you are very brave.

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  4. I'm glad you're feeling a little better!

    I still call myself infertile. Yeah, I'm pregnant, but it took IVF to get here. I'm infertile, but treatment helped to temporarily address my infertility. Once our little guy arrives (and don't even get me started on fears of not taking home a live baby--amplified I'm sure as an IFer), I'll be infertile even though we won't be TTC...and then I have to go on BCP! I think I at least will always be dealing with it.

    I'm pregnant and still jealous of other pregnant women. Go figure.

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  5. AWW I LOVE THAT PICTURE!! Jelousy is a natural thing. Lord knows we all deal with a fair share of it during our trying to conceive. I'm not sure we will every really and truly get over our IF! It really changes who we have become and sculpted us into the people we are today. I know for me...it has taught me many life lessons. I will never forget these difficult times we are going through and I know that someone who understands would never expect me too! HUGE HUGS!

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  6. Ryan, that is a great question. I don't think I would change anything about my DE experience. With each day I find I love my son more and more even though he isn't biologically related to me. I don't think I could have come to the decision of DE if I hadn't gone through everything I have gone through. If you have more questions feel free to email me donordiva@gmail.com

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  7. Susan- I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you! Ant is beautiful and things will be great with time....just give it time! :)
    Hugs!!!
    Kitty

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  8. What a sweetie! Thanks for this great post. I just found out yesterday that I'm pregnant, and my baby too is from donor eggs. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm so glad you are bonding with little Ant!

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  9. For what it is worth...I don't think you ever get over the feeling of loss and injustice of being infertile. But over time as I've mothered my two donor-conceived daughters, the only pain that remains is whether donor will be negative in any way for THEM. I have come to feel that these were the children I was meant to have. If infertility had not happened to me, these babies would not have happened either -- and it's just unthinkable that they would not be in my life, enriching it every day. But it definitely took time; my girls are four and two. Congratulations on little Ant!!!!

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  10. I just had to add...Ant is...so...SO...CUTE!!! That is one sweet baby. I like sleeping six hours a night but I miss the little cuddle bundle of a newborn.

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  11. Laura that is awesome!! Congrats on your pregnancy and I am wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months. Here's to a uneventful pregnancy. :)

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  12. Thank you too from me! I have enjoyed reading your blog and the honesty of it all. I will be having DE IVF transfer set for end of April. I am excited and nervous and your blog gives me hope and perspective :) Thank you

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  13. Susan - THANKS! I'm just so thrilled to be pregnant, I can hardly contain myself! I appreciate your kind words. So far, I don't have any symptoms! But lots of positive home preg tests! I'm only 9dp5dt, so it's really early!:)

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  14. I know the IF pain myself and I wonder what the future will hold. It stings a bit whhen people ask me who I think the baby looks like (we just had 3D u/s done) or that I will need to make sure they are healthy becuase diabetes runs in my family (not hers though). I am not prepared to tell people outside my very inner circle for now. It is the price I pay for the dream of being a mother. Given the alternative, I will gladly take it, tears and all. Wishing you so much happiness.

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