Baby on the Move

We are now officially in baby proof mode. Over the weekend Ant figured out how to army crawl. Everyday he gets faster and explores the living room more. Sunday afternoon during his nap I went through and picked up everything I could think of in the living room. I took out all the magazines and moved furniture. My goal is our living room is going to be Ant's play area. We also bought two portable baby gates to block of the entrances to the room.

The funny thing about baby gates is my cats refuse to jump over them for now. I set them up today and while Ant and I napped. Hamilton and Athena just hung out in the living room. They could have easily jumped the gates but are two afraid to do so for now. I am hoping they get over this fear soon because there are a few gates I would like to leave shut.

Also, this is week one of being a single parent. DH is out of town for the whole month of October. I do have several friends who have offered to help but it is just different being the only caregiver. Usually when I would get home from work I could relax and play with Ant. Now I have to do dishes and prepare for the next day. Also after Ant goes to bed I need to pick up the house. If only there were a few more hours in the day.

I am happy to report my anxiety is better for now. Praying it stays away. Well it is off to bed for me.

Ant 7 Months

Age: 7months
Weight: 15lbs 10oz
Eating: Nursing when I am home and loves solid foods. You put it in front of him and he will eat it or want to eat it.
New Tricks: Rolling all over the room. He is also turning and scooting all over.
Talking: Maaama and Haaaay. He really gots the AAAA sound down.
Favorite Toy: He isn't pick just as long as he can put it in his mouth. If he can chew it he likes it.
Sleep: Ant continues to be a great sleeper. At night he goes down around 9pm and sleeps till about 7am. No he isn't sleeping straight through the night. He isn't suppose to because he is breastfed. We get up about 3am for a dream feed. Naps are going great we have 1 long nap and 2 short naps.

At time I wonder if it can get better then this and as soon as I think it can't Ant does something new. Right now he is sooo close to crawling.

Daycare is going great. He is well fed and taken care of. I am still heartbroken that I can't be home with him but you have to do what is best for your family. I don't mind working but I would rather spend my days chasing Ant.

This next month is going to be a hard one. DH is going to be gone, so I will be a single mom for a MONTH!!!

The pictures were taken just about 2 weeks ago. Getting portraits done with a baby are hard. You have to schedule it during a time when you think they are going to be happy and awake. Sometimes that is easier said then done. Anyways I hope you enjoy them. I know I enjoy looking at them.

The Infertile Next Door

The past 6 months I have been sitting in my Breastfeeding support group thinking most of these women are the fertile people I longed to be. The longer I attend this group the more I learn about each of them. After about a month I learned one of the women has PCOS and after she changed her diet and added exercise she got pregnant with her daughter after about 4+ years of TTC. This was the first of many discoveries, that I wasn't the only IFer sitting in the room.

A few weeks ago Ant and I apeared in a local news cast and I shared it with the group. I am proud of my IF journey because it has brought me the best joy in my life. I don't want to hide how that came about.

While we were getting ready to leave support group one of the mother's started talking about how she was surprised Ant was conceived through DE because he looks so much like me (I smiled). This conversation sparked her talking about her IVF. Then several of the other mothers talked about the same thing. Out of the 6 mothers there including myself 5 of us has been through IVF. I honestly think the other mother felt a little weird being the only one who conceived naturally. The funniest thing is I have been talking with many of these women for months and just now we started sharing our IF stories.

What this tells us is that more of us are suffering from IF then we really know. Why are we afraid? We didn't choose IF it choose us. Some of us conquer it and some of us don't but those of us who live it are changed. Take some time this week to discover your infertile friend next door. He or she might need you as much as you need them.

Anxiety is Back :(

Before I got pregnant I had terrible anxiety attacks or what I considered terrible. I wasn't worried about anything other then TTC and starting a family but I felt like I always had a heavy heart. Well over the last couple days it has been coming back. The high of pregnancy and BFing is wearing off. What am I going to do? I have throughly enjoyed this break and feeling sane for the first time in years. It might be time to talk to my PCP. I am just not ready to give up BF and I think the only way to get rid of this is to go on HRT which means no BFing :(

IF/BF How it Changed Me

I don't think I have a hard life but there have been some definite challenges in my life. The obvious challenge of TTC and my most recent challenge was breastfeeding. For many people these are both easy things but for me I like to say I have to do things the hard way or I just want to be an expert on both topics.

My challenges through TTC have made me an expert on how the reproductive system works. When I here people talking about it I instantly want to jump in. It still amazes me how little most women know about reproduction (I was one of them). I knew there was a fertile time but I only had an idea when that happened. Some people have no clue or aren't even trying and they end up pregnant (this fact amazes me). Once you learn the ins and outs of TTC it is amazing how people actually get pregnant.

As for Breastfeeding, I don't know if I thought it was going to be be easy but I definitely didn't think it would be as hard as it was for Ant and myself. At times I was sure I was going to give it up. What helped me survive was the mini victories. Our first victory was actually starting to nurse again and each progressive victory till he was nursing full-time.
We had lots of bumps in the road: supply issues, duct issues, latch issues, pain issues, etc. You name it, it probably happened to me.

Through these challenges it has made me appreciate both Ant and breastfeeding more then i could ever imagine. When realized I was going to have to go back to work I was heart broken but I knew it was what I had to do. When my schedule threatened to prevent me from pumping, I made sure to voice my opinions and my rights as a breastfeeding mother. I worked way to hard and way to long to give up breastfeeding now.

The funny thing is these two challenges have balanced me. Breastfeeding Ant makes me not long for another child ( I still want one) but I am willing to wait. My battle through IF made it so I had the confidence to battle through the ups and downs of breastfeeding. These two challenges have made me more confident in my opinions and more willing to speak up for myself and my rights. The shy innocent girl who started TTC over 4 years ago is such a distant memory. Even the heart broken women dreaming of a baby seems so far away. I never thought I could put my IF behind me but at time I find it hard to remember how I felt.

At time I fear forgetting the pain because I always want to be able to relate my IF friends who are still struggling but for now it is a welcome relief. For the moment I can live my life and not think about what could have been. I am living the life I was meant to have.

Ant 6months

Age: 6month

Weight: 14lbs 11oz (25th percentile)

Height: 25 3/4in

Eating: Nursing full-time when I am home. I am back to work but on weekend he is a 100% breastfeed baby. We have also started some solids.

New Tricks: Rolling over both ways and he loves to stand up (with help). He is also sitting up.

Favorite Toy: Has to be his letter spinner. He spins it to hear Animal sounds and letters.

Sleep: He isn't napping as much but he gets at least 2 30min to hr naps in.

I can't believe we have reached the halfway mark to a year. It is just absolutely amazing how fast they grow. Ant is doing new things everyday. My first day back to work I came home and I walk in to Ant saying "Mama." It was very exciting and made going to work the next day even harder.

On Thursday we had our 6month check up and I was worried his Ped wouldn't be happy with his weight gain. Well I was WRONG...he has jumped from the 10th percentile to the 25th. This was such relief.

Our biggest milestone is nursing full-time (when I am home). Ok I think that is enough bragging. Well almost...

Warning this is a mommy bragging about her baby. We just have so many awesome pictures and I wanted to share them with you.

Don't they all look so much a like?

We think this one is funny. I think the lady at the picture place thought we were crazy to get copies of this on.
He is just way too cute!

Me and my boy!

I am just like my daddy!

I am teething!

I love naked baby!

:)

Ok I am done bragging

Crippled by Infertility

While you are living your infertility nightmare you don't always realize how crippling it is. Now that I am finally coming out of the fog it is astounding to me how much it changed me!

As I am preparing for my 7th year as the music teacher at my school, I am reflecting on previous years and how I have changed as a teacher. What motivated me, what didn't, favorite lessons, and co-workers. I knew IF had affected my teaching but WOW. When I enter the school building for the first time this year I had a huge smile on my face. There were no worries about when I was going to become pregnant or how I was going to survive being pregnant. It was like the me before IF was peaking out again. This strange person popped her head out again at the "Music Teacher Meeting" on Tuesday, for the first time in 4plus years I was inspired by something and wanted to take it back to my classroom. I could also look at the pregnant music teachers and not be jealous (DOUBLE WOW!).

As the fog lifts I am feel the optimistic person I once was re-apear but she isn't exactly the same. This new person has confidence and is more willing to try new things. She also doesn't like to be walked all over and likes to speak her mind. Who is this person?

I wonder is this from the IF or from motherhood?

Who know but for the first time in years I am excited to teach, excited for new things, and I am not crippled by my IF! It is such a feeing feeling to not be held down anymore. I am still infertile but I have emeraged from the other end of the fog. Ant we gave you life and helped me get my life back from infertility.