Tuesday, I was in JoAnn’s and perusing the yarn section (I love to crochet). I was looking for the perfect yarn for our little miracle. This shopping trip was actually just to pass the time between my sono and my dinner plans. So, I ended up walking all over the store.
During my wandering I ended up in the frame section. While grazing through the frames I came across a family frame that said “generations” on it. For a normal mother to be they would be excited about the pictures of them and their child with other family members. To me it brought up other thoughts. One of them was that I am so happy he is a little boy. He will still be able to have his generation picture with Doug and my father-in-law. I can already picture it in my head now.
This same vision made me sad because how does this translate to me? Will he look like me? I know with any child you never know what you are getting but sometimes I feel that is more so with a DE baby. We did choose the donor, eye color, hair color, and so much more but I never met the women who actually donated. There are many stories of DE babies looking like their mothers but am I going to be one of those cases?
There times I also catch myself wondering how I will feel about people telling me he looks like me. Sometimes I think people lie to new parents by telling them how much the baby looks like them. There will be a point in my lifetime that someone tells me he looks like me. How will that make me feel? I pray that it won’t string my IF wound but reinforce the wonderful decision we made to use DE. I guess it all depends on how fresh my wound still is.
I don’t want anyone to think I regret giving up on a biological child because I don’t regret it for one minute. Thinking of a generation picture just makes me a twinge jealous that my son isn’t my biological son. Being a mom though is so much more then biology it is about loving and caring for your child. I knew I always wanted to be a mother and DE was one of the only way I could get there. He took 3 years and DE to conceive but he is going to have a lifetime of love.