Loss

I have dealt with many types of loss, the loss of bio children, the loss of family members, the loss of friends, but I have never lost a child or had had miscarriage. Over this thankful holiday time a friend lost her baby. Her and I were about 3 weeks apart in our pregnancies. Almost everyday we would talk about our pregnancies. I enjoyed those conversations because they made me feel so normal.

Now I find I don't know what to say or if I should even say anything to her. I remember the loss I felt after each failed IVF. My hopes and dreams of finally having a bio child being ripped from me once again but I that was only 2 weeks of waiting. How can I compare that to a loss at 22 weeks? I think about my son growing strongly inside of me and it would just crush me to lose him.

Many thoughtless people might say there will be other children but how do you even know that. There is no guarantee, as I have learned over 3 years of TTC. There are no promises of success. Has living in the IF world taunted my view or has it given me a more realistic view. I now worry about seeing my friend every day as my belly grows larger and her's is now empty.

This reminds me of my first year of TTC. At my job there were 3 pregnant women. As it became apparent that they were pregnant part of my heart ached for the child I wanted. When the birth drew closer I longed to have the same large pregnant belly. Once their children were here I wished it was me and not them. I still feel this way every time I see their children and think to myself, "That should have been me." It wasn't and I was left in the dust childless and broken.

To my friend if you are reading this I have no words that can express the sadness you may be feeling. I know I can't completely understand. Just know that you and your angel are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thankful

This year I have so much to be thankful for. We are finally pregnant with our first child, we have jobs, and we have our house. I know there are still so many families out there that are struggling and now we have everything we have wanted. Well, almost baby Ant isn't here yet.

I am finding myself enjoying the holidays for the first time in years. There are no more what if questions or well I be pregnant next year. It is just so amazing how much life has changed. I am so thankful for our decision we made to move onto DE.

Little Ant might not be my "bio" baby but he is mine in every other way. It is just one little cell and we have done the rest. DH did his job and now he is growing inside of me. I feel his kicks, punches, and movements.

I am just so thankful to everyone who was involved in creating this pregnancy. Thank you to my RE, who never pushed me but told me gently that we would get pregnant this way. Thank you to our donor who so generously donated her eggs to help create our family. Thank you to all the Drs and embryologist who helped create him. Lastly thank you to all my friends and family for all of your support and love through this journey.

I'm not fat, I'm Pregnant

I am sure most first time moms to be have this issue but it is really starting to get to me now. I am not fat, I am pregnant! Is it people just trying to be nice by not saying anything?

Yesterday, I was at one of my yearly music teacher meeting. Usually they bore me to tears but this one wasn't so bad. We were working on vertical team stuff (other music teacher in my feeder) and one of the teacher says, "Susan, what's the rush?"

"Ummm, I am due in March."

Then she gave me a long weird look. Are people really that oblivious to pregnant or just want to ignore it? I know we are all taught that it is rude to ask someone if they are pregnant but I was never this fat and to me obviously all the extra weight in in my chest and belly. What could it be?

What this all boils down to is I can't wait till I am obviously pregnant. I have waited 3 years for these moments and at 25 weeks people still can't tell. I guess that is another myth about pregnancy is that you are instantly showing and everyone can tell. I really knew that I wouldn't show right away but I didn't know it would take this long.

Here is me at 11 weeks.

And here I am at 24 weeks, is it obvious yet?

Also, I went to the OB yesterday and it was the first time she measured my uterus. If I remember correctly you are suppose to measure an inch for each month pregnant you are. Well, I am currently 25 weeks and I measured 27 almost 28 inches. So, pregnancy wise I am not measuring small....hmm. Either I guess I just have a lot of room for Ant to hide in there because it looks like he is going to be a BIG boy.

19 week u/s pics

I know this is a little late but I like to say better late then never. It is amazing how human he looks at 19weeks. I can only imagine what he looks like now.

A Great Day

Today has been a wonderful day. First of all I got my H1N1 vaccine, I almost cried I was so happy to be finally getting the vaccine. DH got home yesterday. We did some baby shopping today and found the perfect bedding for little man. Lastly, it was just beautiful outside.

Before DH left we did a little bit of shopping for baby's room but I really didn't find anything I was a "in love with." We picked something but I just wasn't happy with it. While DH was away I went to "Babies R Us" with my friends and saw the Tree Top bedding set and loved it instantly but didn't say anything.

DH and I started off at Buy Buy Baby and he just didn't see anything that he liked. I saw one that I "kinda loved" but when I felt the blanket it just felt cheap. We decided that we would go somewhere else and find something more original. As we walked up and down the aisles at Babies R Us DH stopped in front of the bedding and was admiring the animal on the mobile.

"Do you like this one?" I asked

DH's response, "Yes!"

Me, "I love this one!"

So it is official now we have a theme for the Baby's Room. I was starting to think we would never find something we would both love. Next step is to pick paint colors.

Relieved

So, I am happy to say that I officially have an appointment for my H1N1 vaccine. I know some of you have issues with this vaccine but I have come to the decision that it is the best thing for me, DH, and the baby. There is just to much risk being a teacher and being exposed to the virus.

On top of finally getting an appointment DH comes home tomorrow!! I am sooooo excited that he is coming home.

Learning From The Adoption Community

Today I listened to a podcast by Dawn Davenport. She does an amazing weekly radio show on infertility and adoption and has a great website. Back in September she did a show titled "What 3rd Party Reproduction Can Learn from Adoption." Now that I am pregnant I am a little back logged in my infertility listening. You would think now that I am pregnant I would listen to pregnancy podcast. I guess I am still living in my IF world.

During the radio show she had two guest Adam Pertman, Executive Director of The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute and Marna Gatlin, founder and Director of the nonprofit, Parents Via Egg Donation. They were discussing the mistakes that donor egg parents are making and how they are the same mistakes the adoption community used to make.

I find most of the mistakes stem from our own insecurities as donor egg parents. After years of treatments and failure, we are just ready to move on with out lives and forget about how our miracle came to us. Another of our fears is the fear of rejection, we fear our child will tell us they love their "donor" better then us or that they will bond more with their father (the biological link). Many of us also feel their is a stigma with being the recipient of donor eggs and building our family in a non-traditional way. I have felt all of these and debated them in my head.

Like many people who go through many IF treatments I felt like a failure by the time I got to DE. I was depressed and ready to move onto the next chapter of live "Motherhood." When my DH and I finally settle on DE it was a relief and I knew we wouldn't fail. This was our way to become parents. From the very beginning I knew I wanted to tell our little angel that his origins and how he came to us but there was a moment when I was unsure about telling. I remember discussing our next course of action with a close friend and leaving out DE. I felt like such as liar and I knew I couldn't continue this. I had to be honest with myself, family, and friends about what we were doing.

One of the reasons I hesitate telling anyone about us using DE was the stigma I imagined attached to it. I was sure people would look down upon me because I couldn't create a child without 3rd party reproduction. I was a failure as a women. The one thing women were created for I could not do, that was create an egg that would turn into a baby. Surprisingly in my life I found a wealth of support. Many of my friends and family had no idea what I was talking about but they were just so happy that I was finally going to have the chance to be the mother I so desperately wanted to be. What I am saying is there are people who may look down upon you for your choice of DE but I haven't run into a single person yet.

My insecurities weren't just from the stigma but also from worrying that he would love his father more or reject me because I wasn't his "biological mother." They discussed this in the show and talked about how adoptive parents feel the same way. There may be a point in my son's life that he uses that line but all teenagers say hurtful things to their parents, I did. How I have been dealing with this issue is preparing to tell our son from birth his story. They suggest doing this in the podcast. The reason they suggest starting from birth is so when he gets old enough to understand and ask questions you already know what to say because you have been practicing for years. I want my little angel to be comfortable with his orgins and not feel as an outcast.

After listening to this podcast I am even more confident in my decision to disclose to our son how he was created. I am not ashamed of my choices and neither should anyone else who has created their family with the assistance of DE. We know we made the best decision for ourselves and for our families.