I Passed!!!

I was just checking my voice mail and my OB called. She said," No need to worry you passed your glucose test." Now I can just enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. Happy New Year To All!!!

Ant in 3D

Today DH and I got to have a 3D/4D u/s. I was a little nervous that DH would consider it a waste of money but I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy to the fullest and that includes a 3D u/s. After we were done DH was asked if it was work it and he answered, "Yes!" For those of you who are on the fence on whether to do a 3D u/s or not. I would say go for it!! The more I look at them the more I love them. My little Ant was actually being a little shy for the camera today. He was head down and hiding behind the placenta.

The photo above is one of my favorites. You can see his cute nose, lips, chubby checks and his hand up by his face. It is just a great picture of Ant. The more I look at these pictures the more I love them. Before we know it he will be here running our lives.

As for the pregnancy things have been going great minus I failed my 1hr glucose test. This surprised me at first but then I realized that I might have had something candy before the test and that is a big no no. It is amazing to me how they don't really give you directions for the 1hr test but are very specific for the 3hr glucose test.

Monday I did the 3hr glucose test. I don't recommend failing the 1hr because the 3hr glucose test SUCKS!!! The worst part is that you have to fast for 12 hours before hand and then drink the orange crap...plus 3hrs of waiting and 4 blood draws. No news yet but I might have to wait till Monday to find out if I passed or failed. At this point I am thinking no news is good news.

Here is my pregnancy advice fast before the 1hr glucose test and do it first thing in the morning. Save yourself the torture of the 3hr glucose test. Your OB won't tell you this, that is why you have GFs. ;)

Teen DE Child Talks

This video just brought tears to my eyes. Since we made this hard decision to move onto DE, I have wondered how our child would deal with this. Now that Ant's arrival is so close I think about it more often. It is just so great to see and hear an actual teen child via egg donation and hear how she feels about being a DE child.

28 week, 12 to go

I can't believe I am in my 3rd trimester already-it feels like just yesterday my RE was calling me on the phone to tell me I was pregnant.

How far along: 28 weeks
Weight Gain: 22lbs but shhhh...don't tell my OB because she only knows about 16lbs of it.
Stretch marks: Nope, I am lucky that I have great genes in the department. Neither my grandma, mother, and sister got stretch marks.
Sleep: I am still sleeping well but I usually wake up 1-3 times a night and I can't remember the last time I slept through
Labor signs: I have a few Baxton-Hicks contracts a day but nothing to worry about.
Belly Button: At this point I still have an innie but we are on our way out.
What I miss most: Well it depends on the day but right now it is beer and wine. Especially during football season because DH and I would watch the Cowboys and drink beer together. Now it is DH drinking beer and me watching.
Baby movement: He moves all the time. My favorite movement is when I am laying on my right side and he punches both sides of my stomach at the same time.

As for Ant's room, well it is coming along. DH and I have done some room prep for painting. Yesterday we got his crib arrived-thank you Grammie. Today we were hoping to do a little painting but we were distracted by the blizzard going on outside (this was my first). Now I am hoping for Monday from work due to the 20+ inches of snow, so we can paint. Once his room is done I will post pictures but I am predicting that might not happen till January or February.

My Protector

I would like to introduce you to my protector, Hamilton. Hamilton is one of our fur-babies. Since I have become pregnant he has been following me around.Well, following me around is an understatement because in the last couple weeks it has been taken a few steps further.

At the beginning it was just hanging out with me on the sofa when I got home from work and then we noticed he was growling at the door whenever someone knocked on the door. DH and I got a kick out of this and we started calling him our guard kitty.

Well our little guard kitty is now guarding my belly at night. I have been sleeping with my body pillow and no matter what side I am sleeping on Hamilton is laying on my belly and the pillow. I thought maybe it was just his favorite place to sleep but DH says he isn't sleeping he is awake. It is also really cute because when I roll over at night I move him and then after I am settle he repositions himself . He is just so cute about it.

Jealousy

Sometimes I feel so stupid feeling this way but I am going to come out of the closet and admit something to myself and all my readers, “I am jealous.” I am jealous of my friends who can have biological children. I am jealous of women who can get pregnant without assistance.

This jealousy has seemed to always have been there since we found out DE was our only option but I didn’t realize how jealous I was until very recently. As we sat at the dinner table at Thanksgiving DH’s family start discussing who his cousin’s daughter looked like. For a normal mother this wouldn’t be a big deal but it made me jealous. I was thinking of next Thanksgiving with Ant. In my imagination we are sitting at the table and discussing who he looked like and how I might not enter the conversation. Maybe if I am lucky he might look like me or someone in my family but I will know differently.

Lately, I have been having these daydreams of a little girl who looks like me. This little girl is the daughter that I have always dreamed of having. The little girl that the RN at my REs office said we deserved. The child of my dreams is a little girl with brown eyes, brown hair, my smile, and with a little of DH mixed in there. Why now at 27weeks am I having such a hard time with this?

I am just so jealous. Please don’t take this the wrong way because I love Ant and I wouldn’t change the way he is coming to us but I am having a hard time shaking these feelings. I pray these feelings disappear once I hold our son in my arms for the first time. The last thing I want is my insecurities to affect him. I guess it is better to deal with these emotions now then once Ant is here.

Holiday Reflection

With the holiday season being in full swing I have been thinking a lot about last year and where I was. When I was living in the IF world the holidays were the hardest time of the year, except maybe a BFN after an IVF. The reason the holidays are so hard is because you are surrounded by friends and family.

Last year at this time DH and I were preparing for what was our last IVF cycle with my eggs. I had spent the last year almost changing my life and my diet to make my eggs the best they could be. We both had high hopes for our last IVF. In the middle of all those high hopes there were fears and disappointments of not being able to conceive.

We also traveled to the southwest to see our families. During this trip we spent several days at my parents other house out in the middle of nowhere. I was very nervous about this because I was in the middle of IVF prep, my sister had just had her brand new baby, my brother’s twins and my SIL talking about wanting more babies. It was sooo hard to keep my sanity in check and be a happy sociable person. The way I survived was reading the “Twilight” series. DH would have said I wasn’t surviving; it was more like hiding and avoiding.

DH’s family wasn’t nearly as hard for me to see because hardly anyone was talking baby. The only baby talk going on was from us and DH’s cousin who was due in July after dealing with her own IF issues. It made it easier for me to deal with because she knew how I was feeling and when we were hanging around with their family only once did someone mention the new baby on the way. It was surprising to me because it was DH’s Aunt and Uncle’s first grandchild. I am so grateful to them to this day for that evening of baby free conversation and was one of the easiest evenings of the holiday season.

Still to this day it amazes me the differences between our two families. They are both supportive in their own way and it works but I have to say I preferred DH’s families’ approach of lets not talk about it unless she brings it up.

Thanksgiving this year was just a peak into my new world and I LOVE it. I got to see DH’s cousin’s baby girl and she was just adorable. We all talked about little Ant, about how he was created, and he soon arrival. My IL’s also have a count down in their house to his EDD. It made me nervous to look at it, not because of my IF, but because how soon it is.

These same changes I see everywhere in my daily life. It is amazing how carrying a life can change your life. How I can finally say next year Ant will be with us. Next year will be Ant’s first Christmas. This year I actually get to celebrate all the things we have been waiting for.

Loss

I have dealt with many types of loss, the loss of bio children, the loss of family members, the loss of friends, but I have never lost a child or had had miscarriage. Over this thankful holiday time a friend lost her baby. Her and I were about 3 weeks apart in our pregnancies. Almost everyday we would talk about our pregnancies. I enjoyed those conversations because they made me feel so normal.

Now I find I don't know what to say or if I should even say anything to her. I remember the loss I felt after each failed IVF. My hopes and dreams of finally having a bio child being ripped from me once again but I that was only 2 weeks of waiting. How can I compare that to a loss at 22 weeks? I think about my son growing strongly inside of me and it would just crush me to lose him.

Many thoughtless people might say there will be other children but how do you even know that. There is no guarantee, as I have learned over 3 years of TTC. There are no promises of success. Has living in the IF world taunted my view or has it given me a more realistic view. I now worry about seeing my friend every day as my belly grows larger and her's is now empty.

This reminds me of my first year of TTC. At my job there were 3 pregnant women. As it became apparent that they were pregnant part of my heart ached for the child I wanted. When the birth drew closer I longed to have the same large pregnant belly. Once their children were here I wished it was me and not them. I still feel this way every time I see their children and think to myself, "That should have been me." It wasn't and I was left in the dust childless and broken.

To my friend if you are reading this I have no words that can express the sadness you may be feeling. I know I can't completely understand. Just know that you and your angel are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thankful

This year I have so much to be thankful for. We are finally pregnant with our first child, we have jobs, and we have our house. I know there are still so many families out there that are struggling and now we have everything we have wanted. Well, almost baby Ant isn't here yet.

I am finding myself enjoying the holidays for the first time in years. There are no more what if questions or well I be pregnant next year. It is just so amazing how much life has changed. I am so thankful for our decision we made to move onto DE.

Little Ant might not be my "bio" baby but he is mine in every other way. It is just one little cell and we have done the rest. DH did his job and now he is growing inside of me. I feel his kicks, punches, and movements.

I am just so thankful to everyone who was involved in creating this pregnancy. Thank you to my RE, who never pushed me but told me gently that we would get pregnant this way. Thank you to our donor who so generously donated her eggs to help create our family. Thank you to all the Drs and embryologist who helped create him. Lastly thank you to all my friends and family for all of your support and love through this journey.

I'm not fat, I'm Pregnant

I am sure most first time moms to be have this issue but it is really starting to get to me now. I am not fat, I am pregnant! Is it people just trying to be nice by not saying anything?

Yesterday, I was at one of my yearly music teacher meeting. Usually they bore me to tears but this one wasn't so bad. We were working on vertical team stuff (other music teacher in my feeder) and one of the teacher says, "Susan, what's the rush?"

"Ummm, I am due in March."

Then she gave me a long weird look. Are people really that oblivious to pregnant or just want to ignore it? I know we are all taught that it is rude to ask someone if they are pregnant but I was never this fat and to me obviously all the extra weight in in my chest and belly. What could it be?

What this all boils down to is I can't wait till I am obviously pregnant. I have waited 3 years for these moments and at 25 weeks people still can't tell. I guess that is another myth about pregnancy is that you are instantly showing and everyone can tell. I really knew that I wouldn't show right away but I didn't know it would take this long.

Here is me at 11 weeks.

And here I am at 24 weeks, is it obvious yet?

Also, I went to the OB yesterday and it was the first time she measured my uterus. If I remember correctly you are suppose to measure an inch for each month pregnant you are. Well, I am currently 25 weeks and I measured 27 almost 28 inches. So, pregnancy wise I am not measuring small....hmm. Either I guess I just have a lot of room for Ant to hide in there because it looks like he is going to be a BIG boy.

19 week u/s pics

I know this is a little late but I like to say better late then never. It is amazing how human he looks at 19weeks. I can only imagine what he looks like now.

A Great Day

Today has been a wonderful day. First of all I got my H1N1 vaccine, I almost cried I was so happy to be finally getting the vaccine. DH got home yesterday. We did some baby shopping today and found the perfect bedding for little man. Lastly, it was just beautiful outside.

Before DH left we did a little bit of shopping for baby's room but I really didn't find anything I was a "in love with." We picked something but I just wasn't happy with it. While DH was away I went to "Babies R Us" with my friends and saw the Tree Top bedding set and loved it instantly but didn't say anything.

DH and I started off at Buy Buy Baby and he just didn't see anything that he liked. I saw one that I "kinda loved" but when I felt the blanket it just felt cheap. We decided that we would go somewhere else and find something more original. As we walked up and down the aisles at Babies R Us DH stopped in front of the bedding and was admiring the animal on the mobile.

"Do you like this one?" I asked

DH's response, "Yes!"

Me, "I love this one!"

So it is official now we have a theme for the Baby's Room. I was starting to think we would never find something we would both love. Next step is to pick paint colors.

Relieved

So, I am happy to say that I officially have an appointment for my H1N1 vaccine. I know some of you have issues with this vaccine but I have come to the decision that it is the best thing for me, DH, and the baby. There is just to much risk being a teacher and being exposed to the virus.

On top of finally getting an appointment DH comes home tomorrow!! I am sooooo excited that he is coming home.

Learning From The Adoption Community

Today I listened to a podcast by Dawn Davenport. She does an amazing weekly radio show on infertility and adoption and has a great website. Back in September she did a show titled "What 3rd Party Reproduction Can Learn from Adoption." Now that I am pregnant I am a little back logged in my infertility listening. You would think now that I am pregnant I would listen to pregnancy podcast. I guess I am still living in my IF world.

During the radio show she had two guest Adam Pertman, Executive Director of The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute and Marna Gatlin, founder and Director of the nonprofit, Parents Via Egg Donation. They were discussing the mistakes that donor egg parents are making and how they are the same mistakes the adoption community used to make.

I find most of the mistakes stem from our own insecurities as donor egg parents. After years of treatments and failure, we are just ready to move on with out lives and forget about how our miracle came to us. Another of our fears is the fear of rejection, we fear our child will tell us they love their "donor" better then us or that they will bond more with their father (the biological link). Many of us also feel their is a stigma with being the recipient of donor eggs and building our family in a non-traditional way. I have felt all of these and debated them in my head.

Like many people who go through many IF treatments I felt like a failure by the time I got to DE. I was depressed and ready to move onto the next chapter of live "Motherhood." When my DH and I finally settle on DE it was a relief and I knew we wouldn't fail. This was our way to become parents. From the very beginning I knew I wanted to tell our little angel that his origins and how he came to us but there was a moment when I was unsure about telling. I remember discussing our next course of action with a close friend and leaving out DE. I felt like such as liar and I knew I couldn't continue this. I had to be honest with myself, family, and friends about what we were doing.

One of the reasons I hesitate telling anyone about us using DE was the stigma I imagined attached to it. I was sure people would look down upon me because I couldn't create a child without 3rd party reproduction. I was a failure as a women. The one thing women were created for I could not do, that was create an egg that would turn into a baby. Surprisingly in my life I found a wealth of support. Many of my friends and family had no idea what I was talking about but they were just so happy that I was finally going to have the chance to be the mother I so desperately wanted to be. What I am saying is there are people who may look down upon you for your choice of DE but I haven't run into a single person yet.

My insecurities weren't just from the stigma but also from worrying that he would love his father more or reject me because I wasn't his "biological mother." They discussed this in the show and talked about how adoptive parents feel the same way. There may be a point in my son's life that he uses that line but all teenagers say hurtful things to their parents, I did. How I have been dealing with this issue is preparing to tell our son from birth his story. They suggest doing this in the podcast. The reason they suggest starting from birth is so when he gets old enough to understand and ask questions you already know what to say because you have been practicing for years. I want my little angel to be comfortable with his orgins and not feel as an outcast.

After listening to this podcast I am even more confident in my decision to disclose to our son how he was created. I am not ashamed of my choices and neither should anyone else who has created their family with the assistance of DE. We know we made the best decision for ourselves and for our families.

Frustrated

Ever since I returned home from my trip, I have been trying to get the H1N1 vaccine. So, it has almost been a week now of calling my PCP's office. Monday I realized as I was listening to their daily recorded updates that they wouldn't give me the vaccine there because they wanted me to get it from my OB. I called the OB, "I don't think we have it right now and we won't give you the vaccine until you are 24 weeks." WTF!!!

Right now I am about mid way through week 21. After that phone call I talked to a few different people and several of my pregnant friends. None of them have heard this information and several of them have already recieved the H1N1 vaccine. None of them are 24 weeks. Last night I did a little research and went on the CDC website. According to the CDC there are no restrictions on pregnant women about when they can get the vaccine. So, now I am really confused.

This morning I decided to screw my OB's office and try to make an appointment with a county H1N1 vaccine clinic. They started taking phone calls at 8:30 for appointments. Well.....I never got through. I tried for 45 minutes using my cell and a land line at work, NO LUCK.

Luckily for me I have a visit to the OB tomorrow afternoon. I will be talking with him/her about why they don't want me to get the vaccine until 24 weeks and if I could get on their waiting list. I wouldn't be so concerned but as you know I teach in an elementary school. There are confirmed cases (according to my students) of H1N1 and at least 2 of my students have told me that their siblings are home sick with it. Currently I am doing everything I can to prevent getting the virus. My other concern is I will be traveling for the Thanksgiving Holiday and I would like to have the vaccine at least a week or two before I leave.

Any suggestions on how to find H1N1 clinics in your local area?

Stupid Comments

I guess I am very talkative this week or just a lot has been going on. Today I attended a baby shower for one of my dear friends. She also suffered through IF and is expecting a little boy also. It was exciting to go to a baby shower and not worry about the questions or statements like, “When are you going to have a baby?” or “You are next.”

Most of the people at the shower were my friend’s family but there were also a few friends and acquaintances. I hadn’t seen these people since I have become pregnant, so of course I was looking forward to seeing them. Unfortunately it wasn’t as pleasant as I expected. The first thing out of someone’s month was, “I knew it would happen for you and I told you all you needed to do was relax. You were worked up for no reason.” I am sure some of you are reeling already. The kicker was it continued to, “Once you have one kids the flood gates open up and now the rest will be easy.” These aren’t her exact words but the gist of what was said.

This wasn’t the first time I have heard comments like these. I was under the impression that stupid comments like this would stop after I was pregnant but that was absolutely incorrect. Maybe for some people the second child is easier but when you use DE by no means is it easier. Especially for me, just because I am pregnant now doesn’t mean I don’t have POF anymore. My chances of getting pregnant do not go up. We are still sitting in the 1-2% chance of conceiving with my eggs.

In situations likes this I have two choices. One, is to just ignore and move on and try to forget what was said. This is what I normally do. My other choice would be to explain the whole thing to them but is it worth the effort? I guess it depends on who it is. If she was a closer friend I might have taken the time to explain it. DE, 30K, and IVF is how I got pregnant and unless you want to pay for child #2 it is not happening again any time soon.

Why is everyone suddenly concerned about a second child? Yes, in a perfect world I would love to have more children but in my world it might not be possible. I guess I need to be more vocal about the fact that this might be the only one. Once my little boy is here we don’t plan on preventing obviously, what is the point? If we get a miracle great but I am not holding my breath.

The gist of this rant is be careful what you say to a pregnant women, especially one that went through IF and IF treatments. For them a second child might not be an option. Those comments are just as hurtful as “Just relax, it will happen.”

Kids Say the Cutest Things

During my planning time yesterday I stepped out in the hallway to talk to a group of first graders. One of the best parts about teaching at a school for awhile is all the student know you whether you are their teacher or not. I was talking to one of the little boys (I taught his older brother and sister).

While we were talking he asked me, "Mrs. Q, did you have your baby?"

Me, "No honey he is still in my belly."

Student, "Well, you are to skinny to be pregnant."

I just had to smile when he said that. As much as I think I look pregnant to the trained 1st grader eye I am still too skinny. I guess I should be enjoying comments like this. Since I have returned from visiting my family that is all I have heard. "Wow, you are 20 weeks!!! You carry it well."

Disclosure

Through most of my IF journey I have been very honest and open about the whole process. I figured by sharing my struggles I was helping others deal with their IF and also helping my fertile friends to understand the pain of IF.

When I first made the decision to move onto DE I was unsure about telling people. How would this change the way they thought of me or my baby? I quickly got over this fear because it just felt weird telling my friends partial truths. I even took it to the next step by blogging about it. My story was out there but I really didn’t realize how far it reached.

During my trip home I got to see lots of family. Other then discussing my IF issues with my immediate family, I really didn’t talk to my extended family about it much. Part of this is due to me living 3,000 miles away. During the trip I found myself talking to my Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, and even my 90 year old Grandmother about my IF issues. I never expected to talk to my grandmother about DE.

I guess the reason I didn’t discuss with my family was because it was just plain weird. As comfortable as I am with my IF, it caught me off guard with how uncomfortable I felt discussing it. Why did this feel so uncomfortable? I think discussing IF with friends, strangers, and other IFers is easier. You aren’t as worried about them judging your decisions. I guess also because I know I have very different opinions then most of my family and I fear they might look down upon my son as a non-biological link. During these discussions I didn’t get that feeling but I still fear they might reject him.

What this should tell me is that my father and family are just as excited about this baby as they are about any new addition to the family. I shouldn’t worry about my family but focus on the good that the disclosure of my IF and DE has done. As I focus on the positive I still have fears. I am sure this is normal for all mothers-to-be but sometimes I feel so different then them. Hopefully over time my fears will quiet and I will start to feel like a normal mother-to-be.

Generations

Tuesday, I was in JoAnn’s and perusing the yarn section (I love to crochet). I was looking for the perfect yarn for our little miracle. This shopping trip was actually just to pass the time between my sono and my dinner plans. So, I ended up walking all over the store.

During my wandering I ended up in the frame section. While grazing through the frames I came across a family frame that said “generations” on it. For a normal mother to be they would be excited about the pictures of them and their child with other family members. To me it brought up other thoughts. One of them was that I am so happy he is a little boy. He will still be able to have his generation picture with Doug and my father-in-law. I can already picture it in my head now.

This same vision made me sad because how does this translate to me? Will he look like me? I know with any child you never know what you are getting but sometimes I feel that is more so with a DE baby. We did choose the donor, eye color, hair color, and so much more but I never met the women who actually donated. There are many stories of DE babies looking like their mothers but am I going to be one of those cases?

There times I also catch myself wondering how I will feel about people telling me he looks like me. Sometimes I think people lie to new parents by telling them how much the baby looks like them. There will be a point in my lifetime that someone tells me he looks like me. How will that make me feel? I pray that it won’t string my IF wound but reinforce the wonderful decision we made to use DE. I guess it all depends on how fresh my wound still is.
I don’t want anyone to think I regret giving up on a biological child because I don’t regret it for one minute. Thinking of a generation picture just makes me a twinge jealous that my son isn’t my biological son. Being a mom though is so much more then biology it is about loving and caring for your child. I knew I always wanted to be a mother and DE was one of the only way I could get there. He took 3 years and DE to conceive but he is going to have a lifetime of love.

On My Own

The last couple weeks have been a whirl wind. Almost 2 weeks ago we found out Baby was a boy and we were also preparing for Doug to leave for tour. For his job there is a possibility of him leaving for a month once a year. The last 3 years we have been lucky and hasn't had to go but of course this year he was going.

Through out our entire relationship we have had times of separation. While we were dating, 1 1/2 years was long distance. Also during the summer I would go visit my family for an extended vacation, this was never an issue. Of course I missed him but it can not compare to how I am feeling now. Lonely and Useless.

One of the few things I dislike about being pregnant is not being able to do certain things. This has become very apparent this week now that Doug is out of town. At work, I constantly have people helping me move things. Today was the worst. I had my 4th grade chorus today and there are 65 students in the group. For the past few weeks we have been meeting in my classroom but there were just to many bodies in my tiny music classroom. So my solution was move to the cafeteria and use the risers. Great idea in theory but much hard to arrange in real life. After hunting down people to set up the risers, moving the piano, and setting up name cards I was exhausted. Worked much better though. So while everyone was moving the risers and the piano I was wishing I could help. I don't like to feel useless but I was. At home I have the same issues if I need to move something heavy I need to ask a neighbor. Also we have cats and I have been told by many people "Don't touch the litter."

In those moments that I feel completely useless at home I am missing Doug more. I never realized how much I have come to depend on him during this time. He has been so amazing through this entire pregnancy. It reminds me why I picked him.

They Know

This week was a very busy week, baby boy revealed himself and I was also exposed for what I am by my students (their pregnant teacher). The neatest thing about being a teacher is you never know what your students are going to say or when they are going to say it. I am assuming my student's parents taught them good manners because most of them were afraid to ask me if I was pregnant. Well here is how the reveal happened:

I was teaching one of my 4th grade classes. Right now we are learning about rhythm and using drums to help with this process. I was in the middle of teaching my students an ostinato (musical pattern) and one of my students speaks out, "Mrs. Q are you pregnant." Deep inside I am laughing but I ignore and keep on teaching. A few minutes later I stop look at the student who shouted out and say, "Johnny the answer to your questions is yes." Then I go back to teaching.

You should have seen the looks on my students faces...priceless. You could see their little brains turning? "What did Johnny ask?" Then it clicked and their eyes got all big and about 20 little hands shot up in the air. I quickly told them I would answer all the questions I had answers to at the end of class.

Most of their questions were normal questions such as: "How far along are you?" "Will we get to see the baby?" "Is baby a boy or girl?" None of these surprised me. Of course one of them tried to push the limits and ask the dreaded questions of where babies come from. I knew he was just trying to see if he could get me to answer it. This is why I waited till the end of class, so I wouldn't have time to answer it.

Since I am a music teacher and have about 19 different classes I knew my job of telling my students wasn't over but I thought the news of me having a baby would spread quickly. I was wrong about that though. After 2 days passed I realized that I would have to tell my students if I wanted them to know. I decided to start with my choruses. When I told my 4th grade chorus they weren't surprised because most of them already knew. All I really had to do was field some questions on how that would change things for them.

My 5th grade chorus was another story. When I told them they screamed with excitement. I had taught most of these kids since they were in 1st grade, so in the last couple years they had asked me several times if I had kids. I love my students and especially my 5th grade chorus. They drive me batty some days but they are just amazing kids.

I am so glad the word is out and I am not waiting for the shoe to drop anymore. Now I can just enjoy my students and my pregnancy at the same time. Also, if baby moves or kicks I can share that moment with them. Already some of my 5th grade girls are feeling my belly. I thought this might bother me but I enjoy it (as long as they ask).

It's a...

BOY!!!

Today we had our anatomy sonogram. Usually they wait till at least 18 weeks but since daddy was going to be gone we got to go in a little early. Everything looks perfect so far and he was very active. He seemed to not want to let the sono tech see certain parts like his head but he was very willing to show of his boy parts. I think we saw them at least 5 times. This was the best part. I some how had convinced myself that he was a she...LOL. I think this is the reason he showed us. He was telling me "Mommy stop calling me a girl!"

I chose to be childless for 3 years?

One of my dear friends sent me the link to this article in the New York Times. It is written by a women who underwent IF treatments but after failed IVF decided to live a childless life. This article intrigued me since I know some way and some how I wanted to be a parent. I have found the danger of writing a article about IF for the general public is you have people who don't understand IF respond. Here is one comment that hit me hard.

"It is interesting to me that most women who are infertile speak of their childless state as though it is something out of their control. They need to be honest and admit that being childless is their choice. There are literally millions of children out there who need good homes. If your goals are family and motherhood, why is adoption given such short shrift? Why not just be honest and admit that family and parenting aren’t your goals, but rather genetic preservation or perhaps just the state of being pregnant? While Ms. Little cursorily addresses adoption by demeaning those who have suggested it to her and tries to save face by praising those who do adopt, it doesn’t seem to me that she has honestly examined her motives for not wanting to consider adoption."— ML

My problem with her comment is that she is saying that I was choosing to be childless. Obviously, she has never dealt with IF because no one chooses IF. Yes, I choose not to adopt but that was because I wanted to experience the joy of being pregnant and feeling my child grow inside of me. Also as a mother to be of a donor egg baby genetics aren't the most important thing to me. Yes, I dreamed of having my own biological child but I came to a point where it was more important to be pregnant and carry my child then biology. Other IF couples who adopt come to the same conclusion but decided it is more important to parent then have a biological child.

I think infertilies who decide not to adopt are misunderstood. Adoption isn't for everyone and is a long expensive process. I know several people who adopted children and they understand that it is a choice. Adoption isn't a guaranteed thing, I have heard many stories from couples who went through failed adoptions. If this couple went through IF treatments they have already been through lots of disappointment. They just might be to vulnerable to go through that disappointment again. I guess my point here is "just adopt" is never an appropriate answer to IF.

People who didn't live through IF won't ever completely understand the pain and disappointment it causes. IF has changed my life and has changed many of my views. Looking back on my 3 year journey to my baby, I wouldn't go back and change much. I just hope other can learn from my struggles.

PS. To my fertile friends, don't worry I still love you and I know you understand my struggles to the best of your ability. Thank you for your support during my journey. I was lucky to have understanding friends and I count my blessings daily.

OB Buzz Kill

I think being someone who struggled for years to get pregnant created unreal expectations of OB visits. It was so exciting to finally be pregnant and it is great seeing the smile on your RE's face at the end of each u/s. IFers are spoiled and when I finally got to the OB I was disappointed. First of all I expected a u/s at my first appointment. I though all OB's wanted to see the baby right? NOPE!! We just got bored to death with a list of questions. I felt bad for DH because he hadn't seen baby since my 6 week u/s due to his work schedule.

Friday was my 13 week OB visit and I got myself all excited to go again. Also over the last week I started to worry about the baby because I was finally starting to feel better. Instead of realizing my body was finally adjusting to hormones I freaked out and thought something was wrong with the baby. The days leading up to my appointment I was worried that more parents or my students would start asking me if I was pregnant. I was nervous to answer since I hadn't seen baby since my 8th week u/s.

The day of my appointment finally arrived. I could hardly contain my excitement because I was either going to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time or find out the worst. DH and I got to the appointment and we both waited with nervous anticipation. My OB came in and asked me the normal questions. We discussed a few test results and she asked me again if I was ever tested for fragile X. I never did this test because I firmly believe I don't have it and this is a donor baby so it doesn't matter if I have fragile X. It annoyed me because she asked me at my last appointment and I already told her once that this baby was a donor egg baby.

We finally get to the point where she gets the Doppler out so we can hear baby's heartbeat for the first time. It took a few second but before I knew it I heard the wush wush of baby's heart. It brought tears to my eyes and DH smiled. I could have listened to baby's heartbeat for days but we only got a few seconds before my OB removed the Doppler and that was it. Appointment over!!

I guess the hardest thing for me to understand is my OB's lack of excitement. This baby is a miracle and was 3 years in the making can't you muster up some excitement? Maybe it is the fact that I don't have a relationship with my OB. I haven't been seeing her for years and she never treated any part of my IF. She was just the OB that I had to see. Am I asking to much wanting her to be excited with me? Do other IFers have the same experience with their OB's?

He who should not be named

Last week I finally started feeling better. I think it had a lot to do with being done with progesterone and del estrogen. I was truly starting to feel like myself again and was starting to feel like I could eat anything again, within reason of course. This weekend I guess I took it a little to far because BB revolted and decided to be picky about food again....LOL. My child already has a mind of her/his own.

Now let me get to my Harry Potter reference. I have noticed any time I tweet or post on my facebook page about not vomiting, the next thing I know I am puking up my Fruit Loops. Yes, I eat Fruit Loops. They are one of the few breakfast foods that I keep down on a regular basis. I was soo proud because I had made it over a week without vomiting . I had even texted my Mother-in-law to tell her the good news. Not even 12 hours later, I vomited.

So this is my official decree, NO MORE VOMIT TALK.

I was reconized :)

For the most part everyone I know knows that I am pregnant except for my students and most of their parents. I am very excited to share my news with them also but I am trying to avoid my students rubbing and talking to my belly as long as possible. This is more for me, since I have become pregnant I am a little more protective over my personal space.

Last week while I was walking outside to my after school duty one of my students parents comes up to me. This isn't abnormal because I talk with some of them on a daily basis. She pulls me aside and says, "Mrs. Q are you pregnant?"

I know I got a huge smile on my face and answered, "Yes, but don't tell the kids."

She answers, "I thought something was different."

This wasn't the first time someone reconized something was different. I also had another parent ask me why I was limping...LOL. That was a hard one because I have an old injury and I guess since I am walking funny since I am pregnant. I already have the pregnant shuffling and waddling down and my limp is a little bit more obvious. I played it off, I think? I am sure I will have to explain myself later ;)

By no means am I trying to hide my pregnancy but I am just not confirming until I am asked.
When the time finally comes how do I tell them or should I just let them figure it out on their own? Any suggestions for the teacher?

How are you doing?

"How are you doing?" "Did you vomit today?" "How are you feeling?" These seem to be constant questions now that everyone knows that I am pregnant. If I answer these questions honestly a pregnancy story is sure to follow. As much as I love hearing stories, hearing them everyday, several times a day is to much.

For those of you who are wondering how I am doing here I go. For the most part I feel great. Morning sickness is one of my most constant pregnancy symptoms. I get to a point where I think my morning sickness is under control but going back to work threw a wrench into that. Something about waking up at 6:30am makes me nauseous. I think I have finally gotten it undercontrol. Last night I ate some pretzels before I went to bed, when I woke up the first time at 4am and then again when I finally got up. Having some food in my stomach seemed to help.

For all my friends who are wondering when I am going to post belly pictures and ultrasound pictures, I promise to put them up soon.

Pregnancy Symptoms

As much as I am enjoying being pregnant, it seems like each week I am in for a new surprise. One week it was heartburn, then dry heaves, and now it is morning sickness. It all started on Monday. I ate my bagel and cream cheese and I was just chatting with my sister. The next thing I know I am running to the bathroom. I had been so proud of myself because I made it till then without visiting John.

I originally thought that it was because I ate to early that morning, so on Tuesday I waited till 10 or 11 to finally eat. Well, that didn't change a thing I still ended up running to John and tossing my cookies. Wednesday I tired eating smaller amounts and spread out but to no avail. So I have officially given up trying to avoid morning sickness and I am just embracing it. So today instead of eating a large breakfast I just a had a little. Just as predicted a few minutes later I was saying hi to John again.

I think the most annoying thing about morning sickness on Monday was it was accompanied with red spots all around my eyes and on my neck. I later decided that were broken blood vessels. My face now is almost completely healed and I am hoping that it doesn't happen again.

After 4 days in a row of visiting John I am hoping that just like all my other pregnancy symptoms that it only lasts a week or maybe 2 weeks. I really hope we are done after that because I go back to work the following week and it is going to be hard to set up my classroom if I am running off to visit John all the time. Plus it would be even harder to teach students.

Cross your fingers with me that the morning sickness passes and it is replaced with a new pregnancy symptom or we can just be done with pregnancy symptoms. :)

Let’s Get This Started

WOW!!! Sometimes I still can’t believe I am finally pregnant, it only took 3 years. I think back to that first month we were TTC. It was so much fun back then, not that creating this baby wasn’t fun but it is different when using ART procedures.

This miracle baby was created with the assistance of an egg donor. I am so grateful for the gift that this women has giving me. It was obvious after 2 and half years of TTC and 2 IVFs with my eggs that it just wasn’t working. Making this decision was one of the hardest but the best decision I have ever made. I am looking forward to sharing my thoughts and challenges with becoming a new mom of a donor egg baby.