You Lost me at "Biological Mom"

This appeared in my my email box last week:

Hey donor diva,
My name is ______ and I work for The __________ Show in NY. We start filming our first season this summer and we will begin to air this september. We are a daytime talk show with a very intelligent and compassionate host whose main goal is to help all those guests he brings on. Think Oprah, NOT Maury. (more like Jerry Springer, in my opinion)
Anyway, a potential episode we may be shooting is about reuniting donor egg children with their biological mothers. My producer ________ would like to talk to you in further detail on the best ways to go about this. Are their databases? Perusing online I found your blog and you seem to be a perfect candidate even to come onto the show as a potential expert because you seem to be very passionate about the subject. Please get back to me when you can, and if you would like to expedite the process you can email my producer ________ at _______________. Thank you very much.
Best, _____________ 


Initially I was very flattered to be asked to be an expert but after reading the email several times I became more and more offended.  DH advised me to wait a few days to respond, this way it would soak in and I could give a not so heated response.  When I did respond it was short and to the point.  I was curious if anyone else had gotten emails like this.  After I responded I asked Marna, founder of Parents via Egg Donation(PVED), if she had ever gotten emails like this.  She told me ALL the time!

What I have learned from this experience is always ask Marna.  Seriously, she has been so helpful to me as a Mother and in my blogging world.  Once I found PVED I started understand egg donation more and how my choice will affect Ant.  I know I want to be an advocate but I don't want to be "eggploited."

I am the Mom!

I have been spending the last couple days trying to write this blog. I had had discussion with my husband about what is a mom and also discussions with myself. In my head they sound like this, "How does one cell make you a mom?"

"It doesn't"

"Well they share genetics."

"Who cares about genetics? I gave birth to him."

"Genetics are important, that is how his eye color and hair color were decided."

"Well, still how does that make the donor his mother?"

My head has been spinning with frustration…how do I explain to people I am Ant ONLY mother? This all steams from a blog post a read in the NYT Motherlode this week, "An Egg Donor's Tale" written by an anonymous egg donor. It is basically about the anonymous egg donor and how she wants to reconnect with the recipients and the twins she helped create. She reminisces about how she wants to tell them about their conception because she believes the parents never told the twins. For the most part I enjoyed hearing from her but the only thing that stung was when she called herself the "Biological Mother." UGH!!! Also how she talked about co-parenting. Later on in the comments she says she doesn't want to co-parent but just be a part of the twins lives.

I was also impressed with how the comments were not your normal infertility comments, such as "God made you infertile, so you should adopt."

If you are interested in the comments they are a pretty good read. There is some banter back and forth between a few but for the most part they talk about how the egg donor shouldn't contact the twins. So, I was brave and commented also,

"Thank you so much for sharing your story. As a mother through egg donation it is nice to hear from a donor. The only part of your story or comments that jumps out at me is you calling yourself the "Biological Mother." I realize egg donation is still a "new" ART procedure but I really feel like "Biological Mother" is the wrong term. What even makes one a mother? But all I know is that I am my son's ONLY mother. Yes, a very nice women donated eggs so we could have our family but I carried him, I nurse him, and when he cries I am the one he wants. Thank you again for sharing your story."

Well, almost the next was:

"Donor Diva- Read my comment in 63 and Todd Fox's in 66. Sorry, it's just not true in your case. You aren't the only mother of your child. Your child has a different genetic mother, which has many biological and yes, emotional ramifications (see CZ's comment). The sooner you deal with this, the better off you and your child will be."

UGH!!! I was so annoyed but I refrained from getting into a comment argument and decided to blog about it instead. Seriously how does one cell give our egg donor the title of mother to Ant? She donated it so she is giving it to use and has no claim to this cell. This one cell was then mixed with my DH's cell to create Ant (the embryo). This embryo was then grown in the lab and then transferred into ME! Yes, ME (I guess I sound a little selfish). Ant then grew inside of me for the next 36 weeks and then I gave birth to him (I have the c-sec scare to prove it). Also since he is breastfeeding the milk he drinks is created by me. How does this not make him my biological child? This one cell that was donated grew inside of me and is now growing with the help of my milk.

DH says, "There is a lot more to being a mom then a one cell egg."

This comment came from our discussion about donor sperm and egg donation. When I hear people talking about sperm donation, I have NEVER heard a sperm donor referred to as the father. Maybe I need to hang out with more people who used donor sperm or is it because it is so much easier to get sperm then eggs?

I don't even know where I am going in this blog except to say I am Ant's ONLY mother. Yes, a wonderful donor gave us the eggs to create him but I took over from there. Mum(+ 1cell) + Dad = Ant!

Bio Mom?!

My mother and I were in the kitchen talking about many different things. I was talking with her about DH's cholesterol issues and how it seemed to be a family trait. I believe I said something about hoping Ant didn't have these issues. And then my mother responded, "Does the BIO MOM have a history of high cholesterol?"

WTF?!?

I know my mother meant no harm by it but for me it was out of left field. I am Ant's bio mother! I carried him for 9months. This brings me back to discussion I have had with other DE moms. As DE parents we really need to share the correct vocabulary with our families. What I did was I just ignored it and kept on going in the conversation.

Now that I have a clear head I want to go back and talk to my mom about it. It actually hurt me a little when she said "Bio Mom" and wasn't referring to me. What should she be called? She is the "DONOR" nothing more and nothing less. She is the women who "DONATED" one cell so I could experience pregnancy and create a child with my DH. For all the grandmothers of DE children out there please DON'T call the Donor the "Bio Mom."

Let me go back a minute to how it made me feel or how it might make others feel. For mother DE parents it has taken us years to conceive a child after many failures. Most of us already feel vulnerable. Now to hear someone very close to you call someone else the mother of your child is like getting punch when you are already down. Granted, I know my mother and she meant nothing by it doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

As for talking with my mom about it, I haven't yet. She might actually read my blog first or my Dad will and he will tell her. Or maybe I will suck it up and just tell her.

I guess the point I am trying to make is we need to share the correct vocabulary with our families. If we don't then we might get a punch or a kick when we least expect it.