Today was the big day. I was getting discharge from the hospital and I thought Ant would too. There was even a rumor going around that he was coming home too. The rumor was wrong and when the Dr. told me Ant wasn't coming home with me I couldn't control my tears.
Let's back up now and I will tell you how we got to this point. As you remember from the birth story that Ant was hypo glycemic due to my GD. Also, when they pulled him out the figured out why he was having such a hard time during contractions. His cord was right up by his neck and he was facing straight up. Due to his position he also had some bruising on his face.
It was really hard for me to be away from him those first 24hrs but I knew I needed to heal. One thing I did do was I started pumping from the time I got to my room. I also woke up every 3 hrs to pump even though I probably could have used the sleep. The next morning I got to see Ant for the first time. They were testing his blood sugars constantly and over the night they had to put him on a glucose drip.
By the end of the day he was off the glucose drip and on Saturday his blood sugars were completely stable. There were even rumors then that he would be discharged from the NICU to the nursery on Sunday. Well it never happened because his biliruben(sp?) was high. They put him under the bili lights.
By this point he was breastfeeding REALLY well. It is actually a funny story because I was about to the point of giving up and then all of a sudden I started getting milk from the pump . Also Ant started latching really well. Now I don't mind because I get a decent amount of milk.
Now what happened today, in the morning I went over to feed him as normal and after I returned to my room the rumors started that Ant was coming home. It wasn't just my RN but also the Midwife. I don't blame either of them because they did tell me it was just a rumor but I was just sooo hopeful. At his noon feeding the Dr had finally gotten to Ant and was looking over his chart. I could just see it in his face from the very beginning that he wasn't happy with Ant's number. So he said to me that he isn't going home today and it might be a few more days :(
I was dreading this moment and before he even told me I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I got myself half together and left the NICU. On my way back to my room tons of people were staring at my swollen red tear soaked face. All I wanted was the safety of my room. When I finally got there DH was waiting and he could tell immediately what had happened. He did all he could do to comfort me but there was no comfort. The only comfort that would sooth my pain was the knowledge that my son was coming home and no one could tell me that.
After lots of tears I pulled myself together and started planning on how we would do this. At this moment the plan is to stay till Ant's late 9 or 10pm feeding and then go home to sleep. We will return early tomorrow morning, missing maybe 2 feedings. While I am away I will continue pumping. The hospital is lending me a pump so I have plenty of milk for him.
Through this whole experience I wonder why? Why is this happening? Why us? Haven't we been through enough already? You would think 3 years of IF would prepare us for something like this today but this is almost as painful as a BFN but the difference is I know my son will be coming home soon. While a BFN means the end of that cycle and who knows if you will ever get your BFP.
Thank you everyone for you love and support.
Mother of Ant my donor egg son. Stories about pregnancy, motherhood, my thoughts about infertility, and donor eggs.
Showing posts with label NICU. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NICU. Show all posts
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Ant's Arrival
My dear friends I have been meaning to write for days but you will soon understand why I am just now getting to write. If you were following me on twitter you have some idea of how long my labor was. Let's start from the beginning.
Wednesday morning I woke up at 4am due to my blood sugar crashing and needing something to eat. After I ate I went down stairs and was actually productive. The night before MIL asked me for a list of things I needed done. I wasn't in the mood then but thought it was a good idea. I made 4 lists MIL to do, DH to do, hospital bag, and stuff we still needed to buy. When I finished with my lists I got ready for work.
Early on in the morning I had already noticed that my swelling was worse but I didn't think anything of it because on Monday the OB said that would get worse. My co-worker picked me (DH didn't want me driving alone) and we headed to the school. When I got there I did a decent amount of walking around even though I knew I should be sitting due to the state of my ankles. Around 9:40 about 20mins before my first class I headed into the RN's office to show her my feet, just for fun. She looks at my ankles and looks at me and says, "You need to call your OB!"
"I will, I will after my 4th grade class."
RN, "Let's take your blood pressure just to be safe."
I agree and sit down on the bed as they take my BP. The RN promptly tells me I need to call my OB because my BP was 164 over 104. ECK!!! I knew that was bad. I called the office and they told me to go straight to the hospital. The bad part was I had nothing with me but my work stuff. I had left everything at home because I was planning to do my to do lists tonight. As I already wrote in my previous blog my co-worker drove me to the hospital and we were there and admit by about 10:40.
To make things even more complicated DH had a show that morning and when I called him they were just about ready to get started. They OB said DH would have enough time to get there before the baby came. (They were correct)
DH arrived around 2:30 and they had already started my pitocin at that point and also had already turned it off once due to Ant's heart rate (HR) dropping. At some point the OB had checked my cervix and said I was 2cm dilated and 60% effaced. Not any different then I was on Monday at my appointment.
As the day progressed they asked me if I wanted pain meds and I refused them because the contractions weren't that bad until about 10pm. I was also getting tired at that point and wanted to sleep. From what I knew the only way I was going to sleep was if I didn't feel the contractions anymore and the epidural did just that. Soon after getting the epidural my contractions started happen very quickly and Ant didn't like that. His HR dropped again and they turned off the pitocin again. I believe this was the 2nd time this happened.
For those who haven't had an epidural before it numbs you pretty much from just below your chest down. It is GREAT contractions relief! But there is a problem with it also. You have to pretty much lay flat so that the meds disperse evenly throughout. When pregnant you can't lay flat so they propped up one side with a pillow. After Ant was happy again they started the pitocin again but quickly discovered that Ant's HR kept decelerating whenever I had a contraction. We tired several different positions but eventually found out the right side was the best. Within that time they turned the pitocin on and off several times.
I did get some sleep that night but not very much. As for my progression I think I was 5cm and 90% effaced by 9:30am. I was frustrated because Ant was suppose to be here by now and my whole right side was numb. The OB said he wanted to break my water and see if that helped me progress. But he didn't want to do it then but after he saw a few patients. He told us he would be back in 1 and half hours. He finally came back at 12:30...I was not a happy camper by that point. I was frustrated and a emotional wreck. He said to me that he looked at what was going on with the baby and his HR. He said we could break my water but wasn't sure if that was going to help. We could go through 3 hrs of pushing and still end up have a c-section. Or we could just have a c-section now.
I immediately said, "C-SECTION." He hesitated and checked me one last time and saw I hadn't progressed at all since 9:30am. So they went ahead and prepped me for an emergency c-section. It was like a whirlwind happen around me. The RNs and the OB were moving quickly to get me prepared. They had just enough time to get me into the OR before the next schedule c-section. In any case I would have been the priority since I had already been in labor for 24hrs.
As they rolled me into the OR I could feel myself getting nervous and excited. My eyes started to well up with tears. I was scared, for c-sections you are awake for the whole surgery. During the surgery I could feel a thing thanks to the awesome work of all the DRs involved.
Through the all whole procedure all I could feel was pressure and some pulling. Before I knew it they were pulling little Ant out of my uterus. Very quickly they brought him over to show me and then wisked him off to clean him off. As the DRs closed me up I could hear little Ant's squeaks from across the room. I tried to crane my head so I could catch another glimpse. Before they took him to the nursery they brought him over for a picture. At this point I still haven't touched him. They took Ant out of the room and Doug followed.
I was left on the table with just the DRs closing me up. They were all very sweet and before I knew it I was in the recovery room. In the recovery room they started taking my BP and it was really high again. I did all I could to calm myself done but the number would go down. OB came in to check on me and he said that he thinks it was just due to the surgery and it was nothing to worry about. As I lay in recovery Doug returned and some DRs arrived to give me an update on Ant. Ant was in the NICU due to being hypo glycemic. I was over come with guilt that I caused this. I was sure I had my GD under control and now my son was suffering because of me. He wasn't going to come visit me in recovery to breastfeed but going to stay in the NICU. My heart was breaking and there was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better.
Finally, they wheeled me out of recovery and on the way stopped in at the NICU so I could touch my son for the first time. He was so small 6lbs 13oz. I didn't think he was going to be this small. I touch his little arms and told him, "Mommy loves you." Then I was on my way to the postpartum unit. After I was settle I insisted about pumping and asked if it was possible to hold Ant that night. They told me no and to rest. Instead of resting I woke up every 3 hrs to pump. The first couple times I had success but with each session there was less and less. By morning I was anxious to see Ant but no one would give me any indication until my day RN told me what I had to do to see him.
I really didn't get to hold my son for the first 24hrs of his life but since then I have been trying to make up for it. At this moment he is still in the NICU and I am still in the hospital too but things are getting better finally. In a later post I will tell you more about what was going on with Ant. For now we are just hoping he comes home with us tomorrow because I can only imagine the sadness I will feel if I have to leave him here overnight by himself.
Wednesday morning I woke up at 4am due to my blood sugar crashing and needing something to eat. After I ate I went down stairs and was actually productive. The night before MIL asked me for a list of things I needed done. I wasn't in the mood then but thought it was a good idea. I made 4 lists MIL to do, DH to do, hospital bag, and stuff we still needed to buy. When I finished with my lists I got ready for work.
Early on in the morning I had already noticed that my swelling was worse but I didn't think anything of it because on Monday the OB said that would get worse. My co-worker picked me (DH didn't want me driving alone) and we headed to the school. When I got there I did a decent amount of walking around even though I knew I should be sitting due to the state of my ankles. Around 9:40 about 20mins before my first class I headed into the RN's office to show her my feet, just for fun. She looks at my ankles and looks at me and says, "You need to call your OB!"
"I will, I will after my 4th grade class."
RN, "Let's take your blood pressure just to be safe."
I agree and sit down on the bed as they take my BP. The RN promptly tells me I need to call my OB because my BP was 164 over 104. ECK!!! I knew that was bad. I called the office and they told me to go straight to the hospital. The bad part was I had nothing with me but my work stuff. I had left everything at home because I was planning to do my to do lists tonight. As I already wrote in my previous blog my co-worker drove me to the hospital and we were there and admit by about 10:40.
To make things even more complicated DH had a show that morning and when I called him they were just about ready to get started. They OB said DH would have enough time to get there before the baby came. (They were correct)
DH arrived around 2:30 and they had already started my pitocin at that point and also had already turned it off once due to Ant's heart rate (HR) dropping. At some point the OB had checked my cervix and said I was 2cm dilated and 60% effaced. Not any different then I was on Monday at my appointment.
As the day progressed they asked me if I wanted pain meds and I refused them because the contractions weren't that bad until about 10pm. I was also getting tired at that point and wanted to sleep. From what I knew the only way I was going to sleep was if I didn't feel the contractions anymore and the epidural did just that. Soon after getting the epidural my contractions started happen very quickly and Ant didn't like that. His HR dropped again and they turned off the pitocin again. I believe this was the 2nd time this happened.
For those who haven't had an epidural before it numbs you pretty much from just below your chest down. It is GREAT contractions relief! But there is a problem with it also. You have to pretty much lay flat so that the meds disperse evenly throughout. When pregnant you can't lay flat so they propped up one side with a pillow. After Ant was happy again they started the pitocin again but quickly discovered that Ant's HR kept decelerating whenever I had a contraction. We tired several different positions but eventually found out the right side was the best. Within that time they turned the pitocin on and off several times.I did get some sleep that night but not very much. As for my progression I think I was 5cm and 90% effaced by 9:30am. I was frustrated because Ant was suppose to be here by now and my whole right side was numb. The OB said he wanted to break my water and see if that helped me progress. But he didn't want to do it then but after he saw a few patients. He told us he would be back in 1 and half hours. He finally came back at 12:30...I was not a happy camper by that point. I was frustrated and a emotional wreck. He said to me that he looked at what was going on with the baby and his HR. He said we could break my water but wasn't sure if that was going to help. We could go through 3 hrs of pushing and still end up have a c-section. Or we could just have a c-section now.
I immediately said, "C-SECTION." He hesitated and checked me one last time and saw I hadn't progressed at all since 9:30am. So they went ahead and prepped me for an emergency c-section. It was like a whirlwind happen around me. The RNs and the OB were moving quickly to get me prepared. They had just enough time to get me into the OR before the next schedule c-section. In any case I would have been the priority since I had already been in labor for 24hrs.
As they rolled me into the OR I could feel myself getting nervous and excited. My eyes started to well up with tears. I was scared, for c-sections you are awake for the whole surgery. During the surgery I could feel a thing thanks to the awesome work of all the DRs involved.
Through the all whole procedure all I could feel was pressure and some pulling. Before I knew it they were pulling little Ant out of my uterus. Very quickly they brought him over to show me and then wisked him off to clean him off. As the DRs closed me up I could hear little Ant's squeaks from across the room. I tried to crane my head so I could catch another glimpse. Before they took him to the nursery they brought him over for a picture. At this point I still haven't touched him. They took Ant out of the room and Doug followed.
I was left on the table with just the DRs closing me up. They were all very sweet and before I knew it I was in the recovery room. In the recovery room they started taking my BP and it was really high again. I did all I could to calm myself done but the number would go down. OB came in to check on me and he said that he thinks it was just due to the surgery and it was nothing to worry about. As I lay in recovery Doug returned and some DRs arrived to give me an update on Ant. Ant was in the NICU due to being hypo glycemic. I was over come with guilt that I caused this. I was sure I had my GD under control and now my son was suffering because of me. He wasn't going to come visit me in recovery to breastfeed but going to stay in the NICU. My heart was breaking and there was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better.Finally, they wheeled me out of recovery and on the way stopped in at the NICU so I could touch my son for the first time. He was so small 6lbs 13oz. I didn't think he was going to be this small. I touch his little arms and told him, "Mommy loves you." Then I was on my way to the postpartum unit. After I was settle I insisted about pumping and asked if it was possible to hold Ant that night. They told me no and to rest. Instead of resting I woke up every 3 hrs to pump. The first couple times I had success but with each session there was less and less. By morning I was anxious to see Ant but no one would give me any indication until my day RN told me what I had to do to see him.
I really didn't get to hold my son for the first 24hrs of his life but since then I have been trying to make up for it. At this moment he is still in the NICU and I am still in the hospital too but things are getting better finally. In a later post I will tell you more about what was going on with Ant. For now we are just hoping he comes home with us tomorrow because I can only imagine the sadness I will feel if I have to leave him here overnight by himself.
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