Loss

I have dealt with many types of loss, the loss of bio children, the loss of family members, the loss of friends, but I have never lost a child or had had miscarriage. Over this thankful holiday time a friend lost her baby. Her and I were about 3 weeks apart in our pregnancies. Almost everyday we would talk about our pregnancies. I enjoyed those conversations because they made me feel so normal.

Now I find I don't know what to say or if I should even say anything to her. I remember the loss I felt after each failed IVF. My hopes and dreams of finally having a bio child being ripped from me once again but I that was only 2 weeks of waiting. How can I compare that to a loss at 22 weeks? I think about my son growing strongly inside of me and it would just crush me to lose him.

Many thoughtless people might say there will be other children but how do you even know that. There is no guarantee, as I have learned over 3 years of TTC. There are no promises of success. Has living in the IF world taunted my view or has it given me a more realistic view. I now worry about seeing my friend every day as my belly grows larger and her's is now empty.

This reminds me of my first year of TTC. At my job there were 3 pregnant women. As it became apparent that they were pregnant part of my heart ached for the child I wanted. When the birth drew closer I longed to have the same large pregnant belly. Once their children were here I wished it was me and not them. I still feel this way every time I see their children and think to myself, "That should have been me." It wasn't and I was left in the dust childless and broken.

To my friend if you are reading this I have no words that can express the sadness you may be feeling. I know I can't completely understand. Just know that you and your angel are in my thoughts and prayers.