Sometimes I feel so stupid feeling this way but I am going to come out of the closet and admit something to myself and all my readers, “I am jealous.” I am jealous of my friends who can have biological children. I am jealous of women who can get pregnant without assistance.
This jealousy has seemed to always have been there since we found out DE was our only option but I didn’t realize how jealous I was until very recently. As we sat at the dinner table at Thanksgiving DH’s family start discussing who his cousin’s daughter looked like. For a normal mother this wouldn’t be a big deal but it made me jealous. I was thinking of next Thanksgiving with Ant. In my imagination we are sitting at the table and discussing who he looked like and how I might not enter the conversation. Maybe if I am lucky he might look like me or someone in my family but I will know differently.
Lately, I have been having these daydreams of a little girl who looks like me. This little girl is the daughter that I have always dreamed of having. The little girl that the RN at my REs office said we deserved. The child of my dreams is a little girl with brown eyes, brown hair, my smile, and with a little of DH mixed in there. Why now at 27weeks am I having such a hard time with this?
I am just so jealous. Please don’t take this the wrong way because I love Ant and I wouldn’t change the way he is coming to us but I am having a hard time shaking these feelings. I pray these feelings disappear once I hold our son in my arms for the first time. The last thing I want is my insecurities to affect him. I guess it is better to deal with these emotions now then once Ant is here.
Mother of Ant my donor egg son. Stories about pregnancy, motherhood, my thoughts about infertility, and donor eggs.
Susan, I admire you so much for blogging about how you are feeling. I know that it has to be hard to put these feelings into words, but they are feelings you are having so maybe saying them out loud so to speak will be cathartic for you. But I believe deep in my heart that you are going to hold that little miracle in your arms, and all of these feelings will be gone. You shouldn't feel guilty either. I'll bet there are a lot of women that go through DE that feel the same but are too scared to say it.
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave to admit those feelings - I'm so glad you have a safe place (blogosphere) to do it. I've been reading your blog for a while and am on my 5th IVF that most likely won't work and I've been told that a DE is the most viable option aside from adoption. Reading your blog I have wondered how you were dealing with this exact thing - having people say he has your husband's this or that and knowing he doesn't genetically have any of your stuff. I know I would have a really hard time with that part to the point that I'm not sure I'll consider DE at all. So i guess what I'm saying is that it's so normal to struggle with that. And all I know is that you've got that baby boy coming!! Once he's here I think it will be a lot easier to manage it all because he will be 100% yours regardless of those (stupid!) genetics. (Don't mean to insult your genetics - I think I'm projecting my feelings over mine onto you =)seeing has how mine aren't doing a damn thing for me lately)
ReplyDeletei am positive it is absolutely normal to be feeling this way, susan. i think it is healthy and wonderful that you are comfortable enough with your feelings to be able to talk/write about them. ant is a very lucky little guy to have a mommy like you. i know that when you see him for the first time, you will love him with all of your heart. at the same time, you may see in him that little girl with brown eyes and hair, and i think it's safe to say you may even mourn her. but that does not mean you will love ant any less. this may not make sense now but i think it will later. you are such a brave and strong woman! can't believe you are already 27 weeks pregnant. wow.
ReplyDeleteI think it's good to be honest. We feel what we feel. And it's normal to feel this way. I believe that the feelings of jealosy will wane after your baby boy is born, but I know I feel jealous too of my friends - mainly bc it's so *easy* for them! And the genetic link. I think to myself (when I'm feeling particularly jealous), "Wow- not only do I have to give up a genetic link to my child, but I also have to pay a FORTUNE!" That said, I am so happy that I have the opportunity to conceive this way, and I'll love my son or daughter no matter what - just as you do now and will continue to after he's born.
ReplyDeleteHi Susan,
ReplyDeleteWhat you are feeling is totally normal. I felt that way too when I was pregnant with my first DE child. It even lingered a bit after he was born. I was still bruised and fragile from all that we'd been through and it took a little while for those wounds to heal. But, they will heal. When you hold your son in your arms you will worry about who he looks like because he will know that you are his Mama. Yours will be the voice and scent that he seeks out. You are the one who will nourish and nurture him and he will prefer you to all others. Because he is your son. I now have two wonderous sons from DE and those old feelings are a distant memory. I am their Mama and there's no doubt about that, no matter how they got here.
Merry Christmas,
Anna
It's not always about blood but how you love your child. It's normal how you feel. I do have a question for you are you going to tell your child the truth?
ReplyDelete