Frustrated

Ever since I returned home from my trip, I have been trying to get the H1N1 vaccine. So, it has almost been a week now of calling my PCP's office. Monday I realized as I was listening to their daily recorded updates that they wouldn't give me the vaccine there because they wanted me to get it from my OB. I called the OB, "I don't think we have it right now and we won't give you the vaccine until you are 24 weeks." WTF!!!

Right now I am about mid way through week 21. After that phone call I talked to a few different people and several of my pregnant friends. None of them have heard this information and several of them have already recieved the H1N1 vaccine. None of them are 24 weeks. Last night I did a little research and went on the CDC website. According to the CDC there are no restrictions on pregnant women about when they can get the vaccine. So, now I am really confused.

This morning I decided to screw my OB's office and try to make an appointment with a county H1N1 vaccine clinic. They started taking phone calls at 8:30 for appointments. Well.....I never got through. I tried for 45 minutes using my cell and a land line at work, NO LUCK.

Luckily for me I have a visit to the OB tomorrow afternoon. I will be talking with him/her about why they don't want me to get the vaccine until 24 weeks and if I could get on their waiting list. I wouldn't be so concerned but as you know I teach in an elementary school. There are confirmed cases (according to my students) of H1N1 and at least 2 of my students have told me that their siblings are home sick with it. Currently I am doing everything I can to prevent getting the virus. My other concern is I will be traveling for the Thanksgiving Holiday and I would like to have the vaccine at least a week or two before I leave.

Any suggestions on how to find H1N1 clinics in your local area?

Stupid Comments

I guess I am very talkative this week or just a lot has been going on. Today I attended a baby shower for one of my dear friends. She also suffered through IF and is expecting a little boy also. It was exciting to go to a baby shower and not worry about the questions or statements like, “When are you going to have a baby?” or “You are next.”

Most of the people at the shower were my friend’s family but there were also a few friends and acquaintances. I hadn’t seen these people since I have become pregnant, so of course I was looking forward to seeing them. Unfortunately it wasn’t as pleasant as I expected. The first thing out of someone’s month was, “I knew it would happen for you and I told you all you needed to do was relax. You were worked up for no reason.” I am sure some of you are reeling already. The kicker was it continued to, “Once you have one kids the flood gates open up and now the rest will be easy.” These aren’t her exact words but the gist of what was said.

This wasn’t the first time I have heard comments like these. I was under the impression that stupid comments like this would stop after I was pregnant but that was absolutely incorrect. Maybe for some people the second child is easier but when you use DE by no means is it easier. Especially for me, just because I am pregnant now doesn’t mean I don’t have POF anymore. My chances of getting pregnant do not go up. We are still sitting in the 1-2% chance of conceiving with my eggs.

In situations likes this I have two choices. One, is to just ignore and move on and try to forget what was said. This is what I normally do. My other choice would be to explain the whole thing to them but is it worth the effort? I guess it depends on who it is. If she was a closer friend I might have taken the time to explain it. DE, 30K, and IVF is how I got pregnant and unless you want to pay for child #2 it is not happening again any time soon.

Why is everyone suddenly concerned about a second child? Yes, in a perfect world I would love to have more children but in my world it might not be possible. I guess I need to be more vocal about the fact that this might be the only one. Once my little boy is here we don’t plan on preventing obviously, what is the point? If we get a miracle great but I am not holding my breath.

The gist of this rant is be careful what you say to a pregnant women, especially one that went through IF and IF treatments. For them a second child might not be an option. Those comments are just as hurtful as “Just relax, it will happen.”

Kids Say the Cutest Things

During my planning time yesterday I stepped out in the hallway to talk to a group of first graders. One of the best parts about teaching at a school for awhile is all the student know you whether you are their teacher or not. I was talking to one of the little boys (I taught his older brother and sister).

While we were talking he asked me, "Mrs. Q, did you have your baby?"

Me, "No honey he is still in my belly."

Student, "Well, you are to skinny to be pregnant."

I just had to smile when he said that. As much as I think I look pregnant to the trained 1st grader eye I am still too skinny. I guess I should be enjoying comments like this. Since I have returned from visiting my family that is all I have heard. "Wow, you are 20 weeks!!! You carry it well."

Disclosure

Through most of my IF journey I have been very honest and open about the whole process. I figured by sharing my struggles I was helping others deal with their IF and also helping my fertile friends to understand the pain of IF.

When I first made the decision to move onto DE I was unsure about telling people. How would this change the way they thought of me or my baby? I quickly got over this fear because it just felt weird telling my friends partial truths. I even took it to the next step by blogging about it. My story was out there but I really didn’t realize how far it reached.

During my trip home I got to see lots of family. Other then discussing my IF issues with my immediate family, I really didn’t talk to my extended family about it much. Part of this is due to me living 3,000 miles away. During the trip I found myself talking to my Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, and even my 90 year old Grandmother about my IF issues. I never expected to talk to my grandmother about DE.

I guess the reason I didn’t discuss with my family was because it was just plain weird. As comfortable as I am with my IF, it caught me off guard with how uncomfortable I felt discussing it. Why did this feel so uncomfortable? I think discussing IF with friends, strangers, and other IFers is easier. You aren’t as worried about them judging your decisions. I guess also because I know I have very different opinions then most of my family and I fear they might look down upon my son as a non-biological link. During these discussions I didn’t get that feeling but I still fear they might reject him.

What this should tell me is that my father and family are just as excited about this baby as they are about any new addition to the family. I shouldn’t worry about my family but focus on the good that the disclosure of my IF and DE has done. As I focus on the positive I still have fears. I am sure this is normal for all mothers-to-be but sometimes I feel so different then them. Hopefully over time my fears will quiet and I will start to feel like a normal mother-to-be.

Generations

Tuesday, I was in JoAnn’s and perusing the yarn section (I love to crochet). I was looking for the perfect yarn for our little miracle. This shopping trip was actually just to pass the time between my sono and my dinner plans. So, I ended up walking all over the store.

During my wandering I ended up in the frame section. While grazing through the frames I came across a family frame that said “generations” on it. For a normal mother to be they would be excited about the pictures of them and their child with other family members. To me it brought up other thoughts. One of them was that I am so happy he is a little boy. He will still be able to have his generation picture with Doug and my father-in-law. I can already picture it in my head now.

This same vision made me sad because how does this translate to me? Will he look like me? I know with any child you never know what you are getting but sometimes I feel that is more so with a DE baby. We did choose the donor, eye color, hair color, and so much more but I never met the women who actually donated. There are many stories of DE babies looking like their mothers but am I going to be one of those cases?

There times I also catch myself wondering how I will feel about people telling me he looks like me. Sometimes I think people lie to new parents by telling them how much the baby looks like them. There will be a point in my lifetime that someone tells me he looks like me. How will that make me feel? I pray that it won’t string my IF wound but reinforce the wonderful decision we made to use DE. I guess it all depends on how fresh my wound still is.
I don’t want anyone to think I regret giving up on a biological child because I don’t regret it for one minute. Thinking of a generation picture just makes me a twinge jealous that my son isn’t my biological son. Being a mom though is so much more then biology it is about loving and caring for your child. I knew I always wanted to be a mother and DE was one of the only way I could get there. He took 3 years and DE to conceive but he is going to have a lifetime of love.

On My Own

The last couple weeks have been a whirl wind. Almost 2 weeks ago we found out Baby was a boy and we were also preparing for Doug to leave for tour. For his job there is a possibility of him leaving for a month once a year. The last 3 years we have been lucky and hasn't had to go but of course this year he was going.

Through out our entire relationship we have had times of separation. While we were dating, 1 1/2 years was long distance. Also during the summer I would go visit my family for an extended vacation, this was never an issue. Of course I missed him but it can not compare to how I am feeling now. Lonely and Useless.

One of the few things I dislike about being pregnant is not being able to do certain things. This has become very apparent this week now that Doug is out of town. At work, I constantly have people helping me move things. Today was the worst. I had my 4th grade chorus today and there are 65 students in the group. For the past few weeks we have been meeting in my classroom but there were just to many bodies in my tiny music classroom. So my solution was move to the cafeteria and use the risers. Great idea in theory but much hard to arrange in real life. After hunting down people to set up the risers, moving the piano, and setting up name cards I was exhausted. Worked much better though. So while everyone was moving the risers and the piano I was wishing I could help. I don't like to feel useless but I was. At home I have the same issues if I need to move something heavy I need to ask a neighbor. Also we have cats and I have been told by many people "Don't touch the litter."

In those moments that I feel completely useless at home I am missing Doug more. I never realized how much I have come to depend on him during this time. He has been so amazing through this entire pregnancy. It reminds me why I picked him.

They Know

This week was a very busy week, baby boy revealed himself and I was also exposed for what I am by my students (their pregnant teacher). The neatest thing about being a teacher is you never know what your students are going to say or when they are going to say it. I am assuming my student's parents taught them good manners because most of them were afraid to ask me if I was pregnant. Well here is how the reveal happened:

I was teaching one of my 4th grade classes. Right now we are learning about rhythm and using drums to help with this process. I was in the middle of teaching my students an ostinato (musical pattern) and one of my students speaks out, "Mrs. Q are you pregnant." Deep inside I am laughing but I ignore and keep on teaching. A few minutes later I stop look at the student who shouted out and say, "Johnny the answer to your questions is yes." Then I go back to teaching.

You should have seen the looks on my students faces...priceless. You could see their little brains turning? "What did Johnny ask?" Then it clicked and their eyes got all big and about 20 little hands shot up in the air. I quickly told them I would answer all the questions I had answers to at the end of class.

Most of their questions were normal questions such as: "How far along are you?" "Will we get to see the baby?" "Is baby a boy or girl?" None of these surprised me. Of course one of them tried to push the limits and ask the dreaded questions of where babies come from. I knew he was just trying to see if he could get me to answer it. This is why I waited till the end of class, so I wouldn't have time to answer it.

Since I am a music teacher and have about 19 different classes I knew my job of telling my students wasn't over but I thought the news of me having a baby would spread quickly. I was wrong about that though. After 2 days passed I realized that I would have to tell my students if I wanted them to know. I decided to start with my choruses. When I told my 4th grade chorus they weren't surprised because most of them already knew. All I really had to do was field some questions on how that would change things for them.

My 5th grade chorus was another story. When I told them they screamed with excitement. I had taught most of these kids since they were in 1st grade, so in the last couple years they had asked me several times if I had kids. I love my students and especially my 5th grade chorus. They drive me batty some days but they are just amazing kids.

I am so glad the word is out and I am not waiting for the shoe to drop anymore. Now I can just enjoy my students and my pregnancy at the same time. Also, if baby moves or kicks I can share that moment with them. Already some of my 5th grade girls are feeling my belly. I thought this might bother me but I enjoy it (as long as they ask).