My mother and I were in the kitchen talking about many different things. I was talking with her about DH's cholesterol issues and how it seemed to be a family trait. I believe I said something about hoping Ant didn't have these issues. And then my mother responded, "Does the BIO MOM have a history of high cholesterol?"
WTF?!?
I know my mother meant no harm by it but for me it was out of left field. I am Ant's bio mother! I carried him for 9months. This brings me back to discussion I have had with other DE moms. As DE parents we really need to share the correct vocabulary with our families. What I did was I just ignored it and kept on going in the conversation.
Now that I have a clear head I want to go back and talk to my mom about it. It actually hurt me a little when she said "Bio Mom" and wasn't referring to me. What should she be called? She is the "DONOR" nothing more and nothing less. She is the women who "DONATED" one cell so I could experience pregnancy and create a child with my DH. For all the grandmothers of DE children out there please DON'T call the Donor the "Bio Mom."
Let me go back a minute to how it made me feel or how it might make others feel. For mother DE parents it has taken us years to conceive a child after many failures. Most of us already feel vulnerable. Now to hear someone very close to you call someone else the mother of your child is like getting punch when you are already down. Granted, I know my mother and she meant nothing by it doesn't mean it didn't hurt.
As for talking with my mom about it, I haven't yet. She might actually read my blog first or my Dad will and he will tell her. Or maybe I will suck it up and just tell her.
I guess the point I am trying to make is we need to share the correct vocabulary with our families. If we don't then we might get a punch or a kick when we least expect it.
Mother of Ant my donor egg son. Stories about pregnancy, motherhood, my thoughts about infertility, and donor eggs.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am also the mother of a DE conceived child (5 months old!) and I've been thinking of this a lot. In my daughter's future, she might have questions about where she get's her nose or the curve of her face. Or, she might want to meet the woman who shares part of her genetic history. Of course I am her bio mom, birth mom, real mom, 100% mom in every way, but there is a part of her that comes from someone else. When (if) she meets the woman who donated her egg, she may find out that they have similar quirks or whatever genetics can make two people share. I want to honor the part of my daughter that comes from her "donor" and not diminish who my daughter is. Yes, I was who carried her and gave her life, I just needed some big help, but I am sure she will be curious about the woman who donated her egg. I love my daughter for who she is and for those parts of her that I wasn't able to contribute. It seems much, much different than a birth mom who gives their child up for adoption. I really appreciate your blog and look forward to reading the comments if there are any about this. I am the only person I know that went through DE to get their child and so I couldn't imagine not having the online community. Thank you so much for blogging.
ReplyDeleteIt's true. It really is up to us to educate them about the vocabulary that makes us feel good. I even had DH say a weird comment about the donor during this pregnancy that kinda stung even though he immediately corrected himself...so I'm sure I'll need to do some educating down the line also. Glad that you are writing this blog too. So good to have this and the perspective. Keep up the great work :)
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that it still hurts... My mother can and does say things with the best intentions, so it is usually later on that I realise that it hurts too. She forgets the difference between egg and embryo... Sorry that the resemblance talk seems so unavoidable. Good luck with educating! cheering for you (and your mom too)
ReplyDeleteWhoa! Yes, that would send me up the tree. We've had alot of discussion with both parents and siblings about the terminology of today's modern families. I know your mom meant nothing by it but I know that such comment would sting. We simply call the lady "the donor" and I am the BIO mom. NEVER genetic mother, etc....any word associated with the donor and "mother" are forbidden. I know it will all work itself out. And perhaps your mom is struggling to figure this all out too and the comment was a slip of the tongue. Take care.
ReplyDeleteas hard and maybe seemingly unproductive as it might feel, i think you do need to talk with your mom. not only about the bio mom comment, but about her other comment on thanksgiving about ant not looking like your side of the family. of course he doesn't, why would he, but comments like that are not necessary to highlight that fact. i'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you, she just isn't sure what is and isn't the right thing to say.
ReplyDelete