Who does he look like?

The answer to that question is he looks like Ant. He looks like the person he is suppose to look like. All that put aside I think he looks like DH and my FIL. When the IL's came to visit FIL brought pictures of everyone as babies. As of right now he looks most like my FIL's baby picture. When my parents were up visiting they also talked about how much he looked like FIL. I guess I am grateful for this because the family resemblance is so obvious.

Yesterday, I went to get my once a month waxing and my way over do hair cut. It felt great to have some me time. The lovely lady who has been waxing my bows for years knows alot of my conception story. Soo...to my surprise she asked me, "who does he look like?"

In my head, "Duh DH!" I answered out loud, "DH."

She looks at him harder and says, "I think he has your nose."

Maybe Ant has my nose but I think it would be pure luck. One thing for sure he does have my pout. I have already told you how cute that is.

Why must everyone figure out who he looks like? Why can't we just leave as he looks like himself?

What I was surprised by was how it really didn't upset me. I have come to accept my IF is a sore spot, even now with the cutest son one could hope for. Even though my IF is a sore spot, how my son was conceived is not. DE was the way we had to go to create our family or at least start it. I am not ashamed of this fact nor do I hide it. I have come to terms with the fact Ant won't look like me but I am so very grateful that he looks like his dad. Especially since he has the cutest dad in the whole world.

I told you there were the cutest ever!!!

Starting the Story

Even before Ant was conceived, I knew I wanted to tell him his conception story. Ever day I am just so grateful to the women who donated her eggs to us so we could finally start our family.

Now that Ant is here I feel awkward talking to him about his story. It makes sense why DE parents talk about starting young. I am hoping by the time he starts to understand I have found the best way to tell him how he joined our family.

When I talk to him about his beginnings what is the best way? Should he be awake? The beginning of this conversation is hard. I guess I just need to start practicing.

Ant, here is the first picture we have of you...

Let the story telling begin!

Success

My parents are up visiting from AZ and when we originally talked on the phone my dad told me they wanted to go into DC for the day. I was originally sadden by this because I didn't think I could go with with them between trying to BF and pumping all the time. As I thought about it and talked with DH about his work day I made a plan. I had previously gone into DC for a afternoon and pumped at his work. So, we made a plan to meet DH at his work in the early afternoon. Skipping one pumping session wasn't going to hurt me. As for BFing, I had bottles all ready to go.

As we walked around the museums I had my eyes open for places where I could possibly BF/pump. I originally thought there wasn't going to be anywhere but on a trip to the bathroom I discovered a bench just outside of the bathroom but behind a wall so I wasn't out in the open. This was perfect. Unfortunately we left that museum before it was time for Ant to eat. But when we go the the next museum I quickly found a bench. I BF Ant and then I pumped. VICTORY!!!

While we were on our way home I knew I needed to pump one last time so I wouldn't lose my milk supply for the next day. I turned to DH, "Do I have 15mins?"

"Yes but you better start now."

So right there on the back of the metro I pumped. No, I just didn't whip out my breast but I used my hooter hider to cover myself. It was perfect, by the time we got to our stop I was finished and had everything put away.

I had such a great time in DC that day because no matter where I am realized I can pump or BF. I am enjoying my new found confidence. Today we were in Starbucks and Ant wanted some nursing time so I just got out my cover and nursed him.

It is amazing how far we have come in the 7 weeks he has been here with us. He has truly changed our lives.

Baby Steps

I am finally feeling like I am getting the hang of being a mother. This all started to set in over the weekend when Ant and I got the hang of feedings. No, we aren't back to full-time BFing but that is our ultimate goal. This realization came after my last meeting with my LC. She recognized something that no one else had identified.

Ant is a very noisy boy, he squeaks when he breathes and when he eats. She said it could possibly be tracheomalacia and I should talk to Ant's pediatrician about it. Today we went to the pediatrician for a weight check. After his weight check of 8lb 6oz (grow baby grow), I asked to speak to her if she had a moment. She came in as I was finishing feeding him and I told her what my LC said. Of course she heard him right there and asked, "Does he do this any other time?"

"Yes, while he sleeps."

She suggested we go see the ENT again and told me as the LC told me that he will most likely grow out of the tracheomalacia. I guess I really don't need to get him officially dx (diagnosis) but I would rather know then not.

We also have a plan now with his feedings now that we know he is still getting exhausted while nursing and burning to many calories. Currently we are supplementing with about 2 1/2oz of breast milk and then offering him the breast afterwards. Usually he will take me up on the offer because he LOVES nursing. It is our own special little time together.

Along with feedings going better our bond is growing stronger. I just love to be close to him. While he is sleeping in his crib or in his car seat asleep, I find I miss him being close to me. Or when he is full and doesn't want to nurse I am sad because I was really looking forward to those 10mins or so of us time. The joys of motherhood are becoming more obvious to me daily. He hasn't smiled at me yet but he does have a cute pout. DH told me that you are crazy if you don't think he his pout looks like yours. I guess he really did get something from me.

The Birth Control Conversation

I have been telling DH that I have been looking forward to the conversation with my OB about birth control (BC). I would often tell him that I would laugh the OB when they asked me this question. This week I had my 6 week check up and yes, it did come up. It went something like this.

OB "What form of BC are you going to be using?"

Me "None." (smirk)

OB "You know you can get pregnant while BFing."

Me "Yes" and I look at Ant, "He is a DE baby and it took us 3 years to get him."

OB (DING) "So it would be a blessing if you got pregnant again."

He continued to talk about what I would need to do if I became pregnant again. It was really sweet and he also told me about how having a baby resets your body and make you more fertile. I smiled because I hear this often but the realist inside reminds myself not very likely but I will take it if it happens.

BFing update: My LC came over again yesterday to weigh him. He did gain an ounce a day since we last met but after watching him BF she became concerned with how hard he was working to eat. I will tell you more about this after later because she is doing some research before we decide on a solution. For now we are BFing no more then 20mins a feeding and supplementing the rest.

Before signing off I uploaded a few pics. Enjoy :)

A Different Rollercoaster Ride

As a "IFer" I will never forget the IF rollercoaster went through to get our son. I knew that motherhood would be no piece cake but I didn't realize what a rollercoaster it would be. From the day Ant enter the world it began from the NICU to BFing. I am absolutely amazed with my determination. There have been many times when I was seriously considering giving up BFing and pumping. Sometimes I think it would be much easier to just mix the formula and stick a bottle in his mouth. Yes, it is easier but there are moments that I would miss out on.


Now that we are getting closer to being back on the breast the rewards are greater. As you already know we have good days and bad days but the good days out weigh the bad. It was completely amazing to me how rejuvenating 1 good feeding is. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of bad feeding after bad feeding then last night at our late night feeding Ant latched right on and nursed. It went from tears of frustration to tears of joy.

Now not everything is perfect because when I weighed Ant this morning he lost an ounce but I think in the long term battle of weight and BFing we are making leaps and bonds in the right direction.

I realize now that my IF has given me the strength and determination to win the battle of BFing. We are going to do it even if it takes us till he is 3months old and I am going back to work. We will win!

Update (Breastfeeding)

I have been trying to find time to blog for a few days now but Ant has been taking up most of my time. Since I made the decision to go back nursing full-time it has been a roller coaster. We have good feedings and we have TERRIBLE feedings. For the most part the terrible feedings are happening less often now but when they happen they test my determination to succeed.


On Monday the LC (lactation consultant) came to our house to have a one on one consult. It was great and she gave me some great pointers. She also answered my biggest question. How much should I pump? To my surprise I should still be pumping after every feeding until I am not supplementing anymore. I wish I didn't have to supplement but Ant is just a slow feeder that he would be on the breast all day long and probably still not get enough to eat.Along with the struggles there are been highlights. When we have a great feeding I get soo excited and shout it to the roof tops.


Currently, Ant is asleep in the sling I am wearing. We had one of those nights. It started at about 11pm yesterday. The nice thing about our situation is DH can feed Ant. So DH fed at and I was getting ready for bed and pumping so I could sneak an extra 30mins of sleep. Ant had different plans. He has developed this new habit of wanting to use me as his pacifier. Which meant after he was done eating all he wanted to do was suckle on my breast. This got very frustrating cause all I wanted to do was sleep. I eventually about midnight put him in the sling and walked around the house. He was asleep in minutes and I was able to put him in his crib by 12:20. Now I can't remember if I woke him up or if he woke me up around 1:10am for his next feeding. I am completely exhausted and both of us end up falling asleep mid feeding. I eventually wake up and put him in his crib.

At about 3:30am he wakes me up again to eat and we try again. Same results as last time we both fall asleep. I put him in his crib again and I go back to bed AGAIN. Next thing I know he is waking me up at 5am because he is hungry. Of course he is because we haven't gotten a full feeding in since 11pm. I was determined to complete his feeding this time so I could get some more sleep. We succeeded FINALLY and I even pumped afterward. Well my little Ant wasn't ready to go back to sleep or he was just having a hard time going back to sleep. I finally just gave up and put him in his sling.

Ant is making weight gaining progress, as of yesterday he was 8lb 1oz. My LC lent us he extra scale and it has really taken away the worry. If I didn't have the scale I would be wondering if I was feeding him enough, was he gaining weight.

There is much more to talk about but I am exhausted and I think Ant is FINALLY asleep enough to go back into his crib. I am hoping for another hour or two of sleep before our day starts.

Back to the Boob

After weeks of pumping, bottle feeding and occasional BFing. I finally am motivated to go back to full-time breast feeding. While I am pumping I miss quality time with Ant and I am missing that bonding time with him. So, I sucked it up and FINALLY called the lactation consultant (LC)yesterday.

Calling the LC was exactly what I needed. It took her awhile to respond but I finally got an email around 5pm yesterday. She said she was happy to consult with me but also told me about her FREE BFing support group that met that day at 6:30pm. At first I wasn't going to go to the support group but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to go.

At support group there were 3 other mothers there, usually there are more but due to March having 5 Weds the schedule was off. During support group we discussed birth stories and BFing issues. When I told my story about how I didn't get to BF for 24hrs the LC was appalled that they wouldn't let me BF sooner. Of course I continued with to story about how we ended up pumping full-time. I felt so out of place in this group because all 3 of them were BFing and I was pumping. I also felt those same pains of jealousy that I felt when someone else was pregnant. Why was BFing so hard for me? The whys were over powering me. To my surprise all 3 were very supportive and a little jealous that I already had 5oz of breast milk frozen in my fridge.

By the end of the support group it was time for Ant to eat. Silly mommy didn't bring a bottle because support group was only suppose to last an hour and we should have been fine. I figure well I guess I better BF him now since I had no other way to feed him. It was amazing he latched right on with the coaching of the LC. After he ate we weighted him again and he had eating 1oz. It was such an amazing feeling to be successful. We decided to give the other side a try and he latched on pretty good. By the end of BFing he had eating about 2oz of breast milk. YAHOOO!!! It is really nice having the scale there so you know exactly how much they have had. Also the other good news is that when we first weighted Ant he was 7lbs 14oz. He has gained another 4oz since Monday!

I learned so much at the support group yesterday and I look forward to the next one. I left feeling confident in my abilities to feed my son.

As for last night, it wasn't as easy as it was in support group to BF. I felt those feeling of failure brewing up inside as Ant struggled to latch. The Ped just has me so concerned about his weight that no matter how great a feeding goes I still wonder if he got enough to continue gaining weight. To ease my fears for a few days I think we are going to continue to bottle feed a few feedings a day. I just need that visual reassurance that he is getting enough. Also I think I am going to still schedule a private consult with the LC. I think both Ant and I could use another boost in our self confidence when it comes to BFing.